Comments from friend about my clothes

[LadyEleanorsBlanket]

I meet up with a group of old friends once every two weeks, we go to a local coffee shop or occasionally a day out, etc.
I have known most of them for over 30 years, although I am the youngest by about 10 yrs.

Recently I have begun to notice comments, not all at once, but over time.
I am a reasonably confident person so never thought much of it before, but maybe i am going through a deep phase

I wear fairly minimal stuff, like a Toast donegal jumper with H&M jeans, docs, or trainers.
If dresses maybe a dark cord or cotton semi fitted thing.
My coats are long plain wool or little Barbour jackets.
My hair is longish, dark blonde and not dyed. I wear minimal makeup and am 5'5 and slim. There's nothing about me that jumps out. I feel just average, really.

My friends are similar but wear more patterned clothes, or floaty things, i get that we shop differently, but who cares? I can't see a massive difference. An example of the comments might be "That is a strange jumper, it's a nice colour though!"
Or "You have been wearing that necklace for years, don't you like jewellery?"
Or "Have you thought about having highlights it might pep you up?"
Sometimes I mention a new perfume and have been told they can't smell it.
I don't think they're 'negging' me or anything wild, but I am beginning to notice it nonetheless.
No one has ever told me I look decent, or asked after a thing, like you hear on MN so often! I presumed I was just nondescript, but considering they never say such things to each other, I wonder what to make of this?

This age is particularly difficult for some women. People can treat you so differently than when you were younger and for some it feels they are invisible. My mom said it passed when she got older and she started getting attention and respect given to older people. But she still describes those in between years as very uncomfortable.

That makes a lot of sense. I think the changes women go through with menopause can make them feel off-kilter and unsure about themselves, not to mention moving from a position of male attention to invisibility. Society has a lot to answer for!

I think you may have inadvertently annoyed them too tbh.

People who talk a lot (and may not realise they are going so) about carbon footprints/sustainable charity shopping/organic ingredients don’t always know their audience.

I do not think they are envious. I am curious as to why you can’t/don’t confide in people you meet every fortnight for the last thirty years which is far more than most people see friends.

Some oddly presumptuous posts here, surely?

I do not talk about wearing neutrals.
I do not even do sustainable living, so how are people picking that up??!
I have uttered the dark words 'Toast jumper' haven't I? Therefore I must be suspicious

Does having a wool coat and a donegal jumper really evoke such impressions of me? I do wear make-up, which is in my OP.

This post for example:
I think you may have inadvertently annoyed them too tbh.

People who talk a lot (and may not realise they are going so) about carbon footprints/sustainable charity shopping/organic ingredients don’t always know their audience.

I do not think they are envious. I am curious as to why you can’t/don’t confide in people you meet every fortnight for the last thirty years which is far more than most people see friends.

What a curious post, I wonder where, in anything I have written, you might have ascertained that I talk a lot about carbon fucking footprints?
You have framed me as the problem without any thought, which speaks volumes. Not all friend groups involve pouring out problems and sobbing, this never had that dynamic really. I have close friends outside of this group, of course.

To the PP's who asked, we have known each other since my uni days in the early 90's, one of them being the older sister of an ex of mine many years ago.

I don’t get it either, @LadyEleanorsBlanket — I don’t see why you’re the problem because you like Toast jumpers. But I also like Toast jumpers, so maybe I’m blind to the horrible flaws of other Toast jumper wearers…

It sounds as though they're trying to 'other' you OP. How many of the group are doing this? If it's most of them I'd seriously reconsider the amount of time you're spending with them.

They're not being kind and their comments re appearance/clothing make them sound rather vacuous. There's nothing wrong with their choice of clothing but to make you feel like you don't belong because of yours is unpleasant at best.

During the acquaintance phase of what might have become a friendship a woman told me to 'buy a push up bra and stick some bright lippy on' as a solution to my long-term singleness. All it served to do was to show me that she wasn't my sort of friend!

Are you always this always bristly and defensive ?

LadyEleanorsBlanket I took that from looking for scone recipes - apologies as it was way off the mark but you posted on a public forum and are quite defensive with your replies. I would take a big step back from you in real life if that’s how you respond to people.

I don’t know why you are saying what brand your knitwear is from and how that is relevant. I find that detail you shared bizarre. it’s almost like you want your fashion choices to be the reason? I really doubt it is. Have they said anything else other than about your appearance or scone recipe?

And long term friends do share the highs and lows of life. Particularly friends you spend time with twice a month. Gossiping about people from the area you’re all from and old mutual uni friends sounds tedious and it surely cannot be something you talk about every time you meet up.

My SIL asks questions all the time and shares next to nothing about her own life. It grates on me. Do the others share personal information?

Maybe you’ve all just outgrown each other and no longer like each other? I’m in my late 40s and my tolerance levels have decreased. Maybe phase them out by meeting once a month or once every couple of months and see then if you leave their company feeling invigorated or if you feel your energy has been sapped, then phase them out completely?
You are lucky to have other close friends so you can do this and still have a social outlet.

I'd be bloody defensive if people completely made stuff up about me as well

ok good for you. What a waste of energy. Huffing and puffing instead of simple clarification.

And the swearing? Very fitting for ms toast jumper and barbour jacket.

I'd characterise OP's responses precisely as clarifying. Nothing aggressive or huffing and puffing about it. I got more of a bemused vibe personally.

I'm sorry your friends of 30 years are now treating you as an outsider
Once you notice it happen, it hurts and actually says a lot about them not you
They sound bitter and scornful but I wonder if they all feel like they have to keep up with the jones' and you are confident in your own skin
They're retired now, but have you just had a promotion or more success?
None of them have your back

Does having a wool coat and a donegal jumper really evoke such impressions of me?

dark words Toast jumper

I do not dress alternatively or at Seasalt/COS

You seem focused on your appearance and the impression you make/hope to make.

As most of my wardrobe is Cos, I’m curious about the above statement?

Oh my gosh this is turning into high comedy!

The OP is focused on her clothing. 🤣
What is the thread title again?

and only those with Barbour jackets ever swear.

🤣🤣🤣

AliceOlive

It has already been suggested this thread is more suited to the relationships board.

You dress like me. You must be a woman of great taste and sophistication.

OP, your friends sound like idiots. Could you try cutting down your meet ups to once a month and see if the comments continue? And if they do, could you either exit or else have some sort of comeback prepared? Life is too short. Sounds like you have outgrown them.

Hi OP I have been in a sort of similar situation with in laws and the best thing I did was take a step back. Reason is I kept feeling I had to go into the situation with prepared comebacks because I knew they would be making passive aggressive comments towards me. I think when you start regularly questioning the comments/ vibe when you see people then the situation has become toxic. I feel so much more peaceful now! This has also worked afterwards wirh a couple of friendships that weren't really gelling anymore. Xx

After it became clear to the OP that it wasn’t a clothing issue as she originally expected, right?

You wrote:
You seem focused on your appearance and the impression you make/hope to make.

Which is confusing first because that’s what the board is about but also because the OP’s friends are making comments about her clothing and appearance. Rather odd to say she’s focused on it; of course she is!

It's that generation, OP. Highly, highly critical especially of other women

They sound vile. I'd have walked out and cut them off completely after the Scones comment

This - age gap. I'm in a slightly similar position. I live in the country and a lot of my local friends are 10+ years older, and they definitely don't have the same sensitivity switch as younger friends/contemporaries. But actually I find that quite refreshing and relaxing! Occasionally they rub me up the wrong way but I forgive and forget, because you can be quite robust with them too.

Partly it's their generation - for them, not holding back with friends is a sign of how close you are - and partly I think we all get a bit more 'Oh get over yourself' as we age. I guess being that bit closer to infirmity, loss and death has that effect (sorry, that sounds a bit sarky - not my intention.)

Whatever the cause it sounds like you've had a bit too much of it recently OP, but try not to take it personally. In my circle, I get a lot of Ooh aren't you clever comments just for what I do for a living (which is no great shakes) and my interests. Which can get tiresome.

Next time it happens, try throwing it back at them a bit - more than you would with younger friends - in a jokey, 70s sitcom way (the only language they understand lol):
"Hang on a minute, is this get at LadyEleanorsBlanket week? I'm only baking bloody scones / wearing a warm jumper / here for a coffee and a natter, for god's sake!"

I've discovered that I can say pretty much anything I like as long as I do it with a bit of a guffaw ;)

Agree it's more of a relationship thing than a clothing thing.

The group dynamic has evolved so that it's now just "the norm" to be unpleasant to and dismiss and bully and Other you, and I agree with pps I'd just cut my losses and "grey rock" and move on.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything positive from this, apart from spending your hard-earned money and precious time with people who don't like you and have no issue showing it.

It sounds like you're now in a position where you're trying to "appease people who are blatantly showing disrespect. Which can't emotionally be helpful for you? What message are you sending to yourself about your value?

Make your own latte at home, light an incense stick, and log onto Mumsnet or Instagram or Focusmate for chat or company. Or watch something nice.

(I'm not a baker so can't help with scones but I'm sure someone online has the answers!).

I've often had to "re-invent" myself socially due to moving cities/being single/working from home loneliness.

I consider myself a feminist and I think like you I really liked the "idea" of a close-knit long lived all-female group (like in the TV shows).

However, practically (as other pps have said) these kind of groups often change or common interests decline or someone's "face doesn't fit" after a while and the microaggressions kick in.

I've found these groups ok for a while or an occasional thing (and cherish the memories) but then things move on.

It can be hard managing loneliness (are you self-employed?) but it's much better sitting being alone than in an environment where you're treated badly.

I don't think the solution is to run out and "find a whole new bunch of people" immediately to replace them. After a certain age I think this is fairly tricky.

I also agree with pps that "meeting every two weeks" is a bit excessive. Maybe your social life will be a bit more quiet as time moves on..is this actually a bad thing?

Often the people who are more "out there and available" time wise are fairly "difficult" (As I think you have found!).

I'd personally just focus on your goals and home life and practice self-care and use Mumsnet for a chat or rant (not extra highlights, your look sounds great :-)). Enjoy people on an ad-hoc basis and detach from this group.

TreeTurnedBrown

That is an excellent post. I think we can all take something from it.

Just coming on to ask if you are ok as some comments on here are very snidey and not nice and totally off the mark about what you originally asked.

You answered perfectly fine and in real life and on here will always be those that have a go, says more about them than you really.
For instance, I don't wear fake tan and don't sit in the sun, did in my 20's but could not be arsed now and in peri and have thyroid issue so cannot stand the heat. I like being pale with my dark hair and yet at work a few years ago got loads of grief from a group of women and even one man telling me to sit in the sun and get a tan. They were all so orange and did not want to put on fake tan as too much hassle and as much as I know the body looks healthier with tan I prefer my face as it is. Women will pick on someone who is anyway different or does not toe the line and can be like a pack of wolves. When that rude friend snapped at you for asking about scones, you should have asked her what is wrong, are you ok? as that was just rude.
Just do not meet the next time and maybe do the time after and if anything is said ask her straight out what is wrong and why are you snapping at me. It is more likely their own issues and it makes them feel better to have a go at someone else. Very mean girls and sad that it carries on into this stage of life. That is why I just prefer meeting different friends one on one as not really a big fan of a group of women as they always seem to talk about others behind their back and I don't like that. Don't let them get you down.