Left feeling so ugly after shopping trip :(

[Invisible30something]

Hi,

Firstly, I know ageing a privilege. It really is, but seeing your face change so quickly and dramatically and feeling less and less attractive, is really tough.

I had a very quick trip into town this morning and initially felt OK when I left the house. As soon as I walked through the door of the first shop though 😒 ....

All I could see was frizzy, flat hair (used to be lovely and thick) jowls and dark circles/hollows. I honestly wanted to leave, but I needed to actually buy some clothes! I just got in, tried on and got out.

I'm only 38 (not for much longer) but I just feel so tired, old and unattractive. It's really getting me down.

It wasn't that long a go I used to get loads of compliments, second glances, chat ups etc and I know I shouldn't put so much value on all that, but I honestly do feel invisible now. I know this is how pretty much all women feel after a certain age, but it's still hard to try and ignore.

Got home and immediately ordered yet another "wonder" concealer (Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer to those who are interested 😂) but I know it will be yet another beauty product disappointment 😞 so more money down the train, no doubt.

Not sure why I'm posting this really. Just felt like sharing I guess.

I would treat it as a wake up call. You're approaching the mid point of life and children are growing independent. Of course it's unsettling. It's a huge cliche that men buy a sports car while women get depressed but I'm convinced there's something in it.

So use it to spur you into thinking about what you still want from life. By all means focus on looks and clothes if you want but you could widen it to thinking about career goals, relationships, creativity, spirituality - whatever. Because if you think the last 30+ years have flown by then trust me, that's nothing and the next thing you know, you will be 68 and looking back thinking, what the fuck just happened?

there is a photo of a Spanish looking woman with wrinkles and sliver hair but she is wearing a white blazer and nice trousers and a top, smiling. I want to age like her

🤔

Possibly you mean:

there is a photo of a Spanish looking woman with wrinkles and sliver hair and she is wearing a white blazer and nice trousers and a top, smiling. I want to age like her.

No?

I just wanted to say I feel totally the same and I'm scared of how I will feel in 10,20, 30 years if I'm lucky to make it that far. I feel like I am living for the brief window of time I was in my teens (about 2 years) when I was actually gorgeous, could pull men really easily, got lots of male attention, and it's totally ridiculous because as a mother, a wife, someone with a brain and a career my attractiveness shouldn't matter at all. But I feel hard for that mindset in the 90s that you are defined as a woman by how you look and specifically how attractive you were to men - and I can't shake if off. I'm ashamed of myself really. I just hope somehow my mindset shifts or I'm going to be more and more unhappy. Thank god I can't afford plastic surgery, I'd turn myself into a monster trying to stay young.

This is so sad! I see teens as children, baby faced.. I see beauty more in older women. I'm sad you see your value like that, it's societies fault.

@TheMatisseStories I loved your post. ❤

I’m going through a separation, being rejected by my partner. Caring for SEN child and older parent. Lost my career.

However you are so eloquently right. 95% of what is valuable is deeper than youth and looks. I love spending time with my child, I love spending time with my parent, not sure how long they will be on this earth. I love that although I lost my career due to caring duties, I am now able to explore new avenues in my 50s.

I do get a shock when I see the mirror sometimes. Yet because I judge it on my past, I don’t really see the real me, who is so much more than just a comparison to prettier younger me.

I felt some teenage girls were looking & laughing at me the other day @Greyflowers but thinking about it now I was feeling really self conscious at the time & paranoid because my mental health is poor at the moment and I think it probably showed, normally I'm a lot more confident in myself with body language to match & I don't get any issues with teens.
Because I wasn't dressed oddly at all or looked especially different in any other way.

I think kids (which is, what teenagers are) can pick up more easily on the signals that someone is not so confident and therefore might be 'easier' to pick on.

@ArianahX

Honestly, teenage girls in groups can be savage. I remember my first teaching post and I momentarily felt like I was 14 again walking past and listening to their whispers 🤦‍♀️. They smelt my vulnerability (being new in post). Didn’t last for long mind as I wouldn’t stand for it now and they pick up on that too.

As for shop mirrors, I've hated the contrast between my natural hair colour & my highlights in that lighting but didn't know what to do, just felt awful, like omg I didn't know I looked like that.
So last time I went to the hairdresser I had an honest conversation with her about the issue and she is tinting my natural hair now so there's less of a contrast so I feel better.

@Chilloutsnow I'm just happy I'm not a teenager! I don't usually have problems with teens but they can definitely sense vulnerability then it's like lord of the flies!!
However at work we have some lovely late teenage student nurses & hcas..

Oh my gosh this is so me right now, I've got 10 years on you and was pretty much okay with it all until maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I'd spent so much of me on starting our family - which I love like nothing on earth - that I've just got to the point where they're a bit more independent and I'm like, what the heck happened here - I don't feel half as attractive as I used to do and it hurts so much inside, yes I know all the 'be gratefuls' and 'embrace yourself' thing but I literally feel like I'm grieving for the person I was in my 30's and am at an age where I've realised that no matter what I do I'll never be able to be that person again - so no advice here but big hugs because I totally get it!

I know!
I went to get a haircut after work yesterday. Sweet young lady was clipping away, and I looked in the mirror and thought, O. My. God. when did I become an old hag? I looked at the other customers and then back at my pudge face, jowls, dark circles/bags, forehead lines, some weird neck skin thing going on, and I wanted to cry. I used to be cute, not a stunner by any means, but pretty enough. Now? No. Topping it off... this is as good as it gets. I'm getting older, so without surgery, botox, etc. this is the best I'm ever going to look.

I remember being a teen and thinking 30 was positively ancient!

I was also convinced I'd never ever go out without make up, or not wear heels on a night out. Or just wear jeans and a jumper to the pub. I'd never dress for comfort or 'not make an effort' like those older women!

Now in my 40s I don't think I've worn heels in a decade. I remember a night out in SNOW in my teens when I was wearing peep toe 4 inch heels and no coat because it 'wouldn't go' with my lovely dress. Spent most of the night freezing cold falling on my arse.

I thought i'd never 'let myself look old' but as time goes on there's not much you can do about it. In my 30s I did look a lot younger than my age but getting into my 40s, it caught up and I look my age. I did have a bit of a crisis about it 3 years ago after a break-up with a younger partner who said nasty things about my age. It coincided with the start of covid and being confronted with how I looked on zoom! Which was very different to how I thought I looked in the mirror!

I'm a lot happier in my skin now but still saddened by the visible signs of ageing and a bit petrified by menopause making it all so much worse.

I work with teens now and I'm sure they view me as incredibly ancient and think they'll never end up looking like me lol.

I remember being at an aerobics class at 17 and a 30 something lady joined after she had had her second child. I remember thinking what was even the point she was so impossibly ancient and past it 😀😀

Your last sentence is exactly how I feel!

It's the idea that today is the best I'm going to look and it'll just slowly get worse and worse. I already get enough sleep, drink enough water, use all the anti-ageing skincare, face massage, gua Shah etc. But without cosmetic intervention, it's just going to carry on going downhill and never up!

I did have botox once 3 years ago when I was in my personal crisis lol and absolutely hated how it made me look. But everyone I asked said they couldn't see any difference but I could!

So I'm scared of even trying anything like that again. So..this is it, how I look now is as good as it gets. And just going to get, and look older from this day forward 😩

@EddieSteady

I can relate 😂. My first post I was still young and fresh (and a lot slimmer). I was that cool, young, pretty teacher. Now I’m definitely in the mum zone 🤣🤣.

I was like that too!

Now, I had a Police officer knock on my door the other day making enquiries about a report they had of a suspected local break-in and I thought 'My God, he looks barely older than a child'. He was early 20s probably but to me now that seems so, so young lol.

I'm mid 70s and now don't give a ....what other people think of me. I have a loving family and teen age grandchildren who give great hugs, what more could I possibly want? However, I do have the hairdressers this week I loved it when we had to wear masks in there.

I must admit that I’ve never really cared too much about looks (luckily). I was a plain, spotty teenager, average in my 20’s then too busy with work and a growing family to notice! Now that I’m in my 60’s, I’m thankful for still thick (dyed with highlights) hair and good skin. I treat myself to a massage and facial every 6 weeks or so as I enjoy it and the therapist always comments on how my skin could be of someone in their 30’s. Never wear make up, or moisturise but must be following after my mother who is in her 90’s and has barely a wrinkle. It probably helps being slightly plump too, often it seems that creases and lines show up more on thinner faces. I would like to wear clothes that suit those with slimmer body type but I know that’s never going to be me so as long as I’m happy and healthy, who cares? I tend to go for the “clean and tidy” look, if that’s not enough to please someone, that’s their hard luck. I’m too busy enjoying myself with family and hobbies to worry!

I feel like this recently, and I've since watched this a few times when I am feeling shit

Yep, I honestly don’t recognise myself in mirrors or reflections from shop windows etc when I’m out and about, I think it’s just a random person then I realise that fat, old and haggard person is me! Photos are horrific!
I look so old now compared to 10 years ago when in my mid 30’s, my face has dropped so much, jowls and lines and dark circles (and I’ve always taken care of my skin)
I’m not growing old gracefully at all I really hate it, if I had the the money I would be off to the plastic surgeon!

The best thing Iv read in a long time- thank you 🙏🏼

Absolutely this
I think I love you

@isitshe

Such wise words from Ms. Greer . Thanks for posting.

She is awesome

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep. To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thingFor me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things. I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images*
I do care that the face I see in the mirror prevents me from doing so much.
Maybe because you were attractive in your youth and most likely still are and only 50 you haven’t experienced the issues others who are less attractive have had to experience throughout their lives. The discrimination of not being allowed to go places others can just walk into without a moments thought I don’t think it has crossed your mind that others don’t have the same experiences.
Yesterday I was barred from entering a shop by the security guy because it was Exactly 5pm. Fair enough. I was too late. Young girl comes up behind me and gets waved on in by the security (I was sat in my car and saw her come out with her shopping for those who say she probably worked there)Its this everyday discrimination that has got worse the older I get. I don’t even bother protesting as I know it is an age and looks thing.
As someone with ADHD I will be forever in my mind be 21 years old. Imagine what it would feel like looking at your self in the mirror at the age of 21 and see an ugly old woman staring back at you. The things I want to do I know I can never ever do as they are things for young people to do and I don’t want to do what it is deemed people of my age are meant to do.
Looking for something to do I see things that look fun and at 50 I wouldn’t have looked that much out of place as my hair was still dark and my face was still somewhat intact. Now I really really want to do these things but know I can’t ever go without it ending in humiliation and tears.Can’t even dye my hair as I am allergic to all hair dye apart
There is one thing being taken apart by teens and men who openly discuss how horrible looking you are, it is hurtful and I should have gotten used to it by now. But it is the older women who are just as bad with their passing comments. Especially those women who are well dressed and made up and out with their friends who think that making a nasty comment about someone’s appearance is cause for much hilarity.
Growing old gracefully and thinking it doesn’t take a lot of work, time and money is a myth. Saying that people respect your maturity is another. For most women growing older just means no one listens to you.