Left feeling so ugly after shopping trip :(

Invisible30something · 2023-03-23T15:05:37+00:00

Hi, Firstly, I know ageing a privilege. It ^really^ is, but seeing your face change so quickly and dramatically and feeling less and less attractive, is really tough. I had a very quick trip into town this morning and initially felt OK when I left the house. As soon as I walked through the door of the first shop though 😒 .... All I could see was frizzy, flat hair (used to be lovely and thick) jowls and dark circles/hollows. I honestly wanted to leave, but I needed to actually buy some clothes! I just got in, tried on and got out. I'm only 38 (not for much longer) but I just feel so tired, old and unattractive. It's really getting me down. It wasn't that long a go I used to get loads of compliments, second glances, chat ups etc and I ^know^ I shouldn't put so much value on all that, but I honestly do feel invisible now. I know this is how pretty much all women feel after a certain age, but it's still hard to try and ignore. Got home and immediately ordered yet ^another^ "wonder" concealer (Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer to those who are interested 😂) but I know it will be yet another beauty product disappointment 😞 so more money down the train, no doubt. Not sure why I'm posting this really. Just felt like sharing I guess.

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

Emilyanna · 23/03/2023 15:26

Well I guess we can't do anything about getting older! But you could improve a couple of the things you mentioned? If you have jowls, are you maybe carrying a bit of extra weight (sorry)? Losing it in your 30s will be much better than waiting, as losing weight around your face at a later age seems to leave people with erm baggy neck 🙈 And what about feeling tired? Check vitamins, diet, exercise? I would have thought at 38 feeling/looking tired is not inevitable and you can fix it.
I think that actually getting a bit older is great, in terms of NOT getting leered at all the time. Can you rethink it like that? I'm 36, and don't think I look hugely different to say my late twenties, but these days I deliberately make no effort at all bar brushing my hair, and nobody ogles me anymore - it's great! People I know still like me for me - that's all I need.

SadGirl6 · 23/03/2023 15:52

I could have written this! Accept I’m in my twenties! Currently 35 (and a half) weeks pregnant with my third thought with a 1 year old to look after. But I look back at pictures from two/three years ago and weep! I was in my prime but now I look ill and old. I no longer get any glances, other than pitying ones! I don’t even recognise myself and something about seeing myself in shop mirrors, ie how the general public now see me and next to young pretty people, just makes me feel even worse. I hide away

Moomoola · 23/03/2023 16:04

Wait till you’re 59 like me! I used to be given flowers in the street by random chaps ( ok, it happened once). 😀

LadyVictoriaSponge · 23/03/2023 16:07

Shop lights are very unforgiving and don’t get me started on the mirrors at the hairdressers! Honestly you won’t look as bad as you think, we are our own worst critics.

Original poster

Invisible30something · 23/03/2023 16:07

@TheMatisseStories ,thank you for such an inspiring, thoughtful post. I needed to read that. Very wise words.

OP posts:

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 16:08

To be fair shop lights are awful. Hope you’re feeling a bit better OP. 💐

Laiste · 23/03/2023 16:12

I have spells of this. I'll see myself scowling away looking like a bag lady and be horrified.

I'll go home and 'do something' about my hair (tone it usually, and start using a hair mask, and start not going out unless it's up nicely) and 'do something' about getting a better coat and actually wearing it, and 'do something' about not wearing those bloody jeans which don't quite fit properly and put the boots which are knackered at the back of the cupboard and wear the ones with heels. I'll 'do something' about making sure my make up is on right all the time.

And after all this maybe next time i catch sight of my self in a shop mirror i look a tiny bit better. But it's all such a faff and and effort

Aaaaaand after a few months i'll start to drift back into wearing the same shite all the time and bunging my hair up in a mess and not keeping up with the toning and not bothering with concealer and the chic earrings and then i'll see myself one day - scowling away and looking raddled and think oh my god i must do something with myself and round we go again ...... sigh.

I remember the days when i was lovely with minimum effort! Whaaaaaaa 😩

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 23/03/2023 16:16

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

I really enjoyed reading this, thank you.

OP I'm 47 and often have moments like this. I've started upping the weights I use on my legs at the gym recently however and while they now look bigger I know it means they are stronger. And that makes me feel a bit awesome

mochimoons · 23/03/2023 16:20

@TheMatisseStories is my idol now 💛

Choconut · 23/03/2023 16:22

Shop lighting is right up there with bus lighting for making you look shite IMO.

AnotherEmma · 23/03/2023 16:25

Solidary, OP. I desperately need new clothes and went shopping today but no luck. I am close in age to you and feel very unattractive because I've put on lots of weight in the last 6 months or more. Not sure how to break my bad habits though

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 23/03/2023 16:25

Laiste · 23/03/2023 16:12

I have spells of this. I'll see myself scowling away looking like a bag lady and be horrified.

I'll go home and 'do something' about my hair (tone it usually, and start using a hair mask, and start not going out unless it's up nicely) and 'do something' about getting a better coat and actually wearing it, and 'do something' about not wearing those bloody jeans which don't quite fit properly and put the boots which are knackered at the back of the cupboard and wear the ones with heels. I'll 'do something' about making sure my make up is on right all the time.

And after all this maybe next time i catch sight of my self in a shop mirror i look a tiny bit better. But it's all such a faff and and effort

Aaaaaand after a few months i'll start to drift back into wearing the same shite all the time and bunging my hair up in a mess and not keeping up with the toning and not bothering with concealer and the chic earrings and then i'll see myself one day - scowling away and looking raddled and think oh my god i must do something with myself and round we go again ...... sigh.

I remember the days when i was lovely with minimum effort! Whaaaaaaa 😩

This is a good point (and I realise perhaps budget dependent) but if f you know certain clothes styles aren't doing you any favours then look to replace when you can.

I've worn my hair the same for years (long Bob all one length) and it's mostly been fine but after Christmas my hairdresser talked me into a long fringe

Took me a good few weeks to get used to it and even though 3 minute blow dry o have to after washing has felt a faff at times (I am deep down very Lazy With My Appearance Yet Still Expect Miracles ) suddenly I'm noticing how much better its looking. Gives my face some definition and when I invariably tie it back it helps soften and smarten how I look.

Wish I'd done it years ago

willow236 · 23/03/2023 16:26

Omg this is really uplifting thread.👏🙈
Cannot wait to get older ( currently mid 30's).😅

Crikeyalmighty · 23/03/2023 16:26

I feel like this at the hairdressers

Greyflowers · 23/03/2023 16:28

I suffered with BDD for years and have been having counselling. I started going out a bit more but had the worst experience ever a few weeks ago - walked past a bus stop where a few teenagers were and they started calling out foul things to me and being rude about my appearance and ridiculing me . I wanted to die on the spot. I haven’t gone out since as right back to where I was before

ilovemydogmore · 23/03/2023 16:30

That is a great concealer OP. No makeup can fix tired, dull skin though. Can you do anything there? Hint it starts with diet/hydration, skincare helps, so does facial massage.

Laiste · 23/03/2023 16:31

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz i totally agree with the ''if it's doing you know no favours and you know it chuck it out''.

A few years ago i did the marie kondo clear out thing. It began as for the sake of a house move, but the good it did to my wardrobe and clothes buying habits was huge! Life changing in fact.

I went into it wholeheatedly and actually had people notice i was out of a rut.

It's just sooooo easy to drift back into bad habits.
It has taken about 6 years mind you ....
Must dig out the marie kondo book ...

lobeliasb · 23/03/2023 16:33

I'm 36 and feel like this sometimes, and I find changing my hair up slightly makes such a difference. Be that dying it, toning it or having my fringe trimmed (I'm guilty of letting it grow out for far too long and looking a bit disheveled).

Maybe have a look at colour theory and find out what colours are most flattering to your skin tone and hair colour? Wearing the wrong colours can really wash you out.

Botox to the frown lines also makes an enormous difference for me, as without it I seem to be stuck in a permanent frown and look grumpy. Eyelash lifting also really really brightens up the face, and it's grear for me because I can't be bothered to wear mascara anymore. Just relatively small changes but they make an impact all added up.

Laiste · 23/03/2023 16:34

@Greyflowers Please don't let a bunch of idiotic teens ruin all your efforts

They won't have been thinking about you any more 5 seconds after that incident and yet you are suffering weeks later. Teens are cruel and will shout out shite at anyone about the stupidest crap which no one else is seeing or thinking.

They are nothing to you.

Please try again x

crossstitchingnana · 23/03/2023 16:36

Thing is, you're going to get older. Our society doesn't value older people as they don't contribute to the economy as much.

It's bullshit. Think about what you have achieved, the people who love and value you for you. Embrace it, I lost a friend at your age and I think about her often. I am sure she would love to be pushing 60 like I am now, instead of pushing up daisies.

WonkyFeelings · 23/03/2023 16:36

FWIW I think a lot of people (men and women) feel like you do these days, because the pandemic and economic meltdown have been hard on people. We have all been stressed and worried and that somehow reflects on our skin, posture, etc.

I’d encourage you to actively seek out joy in your life. Whether it’s time with friends, fun films or some craft classes, whichever lifts your heart up.

Greyflowers · 23/03/2023 16:38

Laiste · 23/03/2023 16:34

@Greyflowers Please don't let a bunch of idiotic teens ruin all your efforts

They won't have been thinking about you any more 5 seconds after that incident and yet you are suffering weeks later. Teens are cruel and will shout out shite at anyone about the stupidest crap which no one else is seeing or thinking.

They are nothing to you.

Please try again x

I’ve tried to tell myself I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and it was a coincidence they happened to pick on someone with the difficulties I’ve had but it absolutely shredded the small about of confidence I’d built back up.

So many times I’d told myself people aren’t a staring / laughing at me as they are busy going about their days etc and then suddenly I’m in a situation where the things I fixate on are being ridiculed (weight and I’ve fought to lose 5 stone but clearly I’m still massive) it was so hard to get out again and I just feel awful I wish I’d left the house later or earlier and they hadn’t been there

Quitelikeit · 23/03/2023 16:39

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

This is one of the best things I have ever read on Mumsnet!!!

What a wise woman you are

Can I ask how you deal with people hating on you or with bullies?

DartholomewSpaceInvader · 23/03/2023 16:40

Laiste · 23/03/2023 16:34

@Greyflowers Please don't let a bunch of idiotic teens ruin all your efforts

They won't have been thinking about you any more 5 seconds after that incident and yet you are suffering weeks later. Teens are cruel and will shout out shite at anyone about the stupidest crap which no one else is seeing or thinking.

They are nothing to you.

Please try again x

Absolutely. I once had a bunch of teens shout insults at me about my socks of all things. 🙄

Looking in mirrors less does wonders for my happiness levels, I find.