Page 6 | Left feeling so ugly after shopping trip :(

Invisible30something · 2023-03-23T15:05:37+00:00

Hi, Firstly, I know ageing a privilege. It ^really^ is, but seeing your face change so quickly and dramatically and feeling less and less attractive, is really tough. I had a very quick trip into town this morning and initially felt OK when I left the house. As soon as I walked through the door of the first shop though 😒 .... All I could see was frizzy, flat hair (used to be lovely and thick) jowls and dark circles/hollows. I honestly wanted to leave, but I needed to actually buy some clothes! I just got in, tried on and got out. I'm only 38 (not for much longer) but I just feel so tired, old and unattractive. It's really getting me down. It wasn't that long a go I used to get loads of compliments, second glances, chat ups etc and I ^know^ I shouldn't put so much value on all that, but I honestly do feel invisible now. I know this is how pretty much all women feel after a certain age, but it's still hard to try and ignore. Got home and immediately ordered yet ^another^ "wonder" concealer (Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer to those who are interested 😂) but I know it will be yet another beauty product disappointment 😞 so more money down the train, no doubt. Not sure why I'm posting this really. Just felt like sharing I guess.

Bloopsie · 25/03/2023 07:36

35,soon 36 here expecting my 5th baby and i dont think i look too different than lets say 10 years ago-i have have been all my life conscious about what i do,ever-no alcohol,caffeine,nicotine, little sunshine for vit d but no tanning, keep my skin covered from 9ish to 4/5 in the summer, gluten free diet, almost dairy free i do enjoy kefir, i exercise etc.. i would say start with the diet, what you eat makes a massive difference to your skin and to your shape, grains are a big one for causing bloating that instantly can add what looks like half a stone on the belly.

silverlentils · 25/03/2023 07:49

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

Amazing post, I also needed that this morning!

Myneighbourskia · 25/03/2023 07:51

I'm 42 and my tips would be -
Focus on health rather than looks and then your looks will improve as a by product

avoid too much alcohol

-exercise when you can

Good diet with lots of fruit and veg
lots of sleep
time outdoors getting natural sunlight

I wouldn't bother spending loads on concealers. Just nice light make up and a splash of colour on the lips or somewhere else. I'm older than you and I don't look too bad.

Laurie01 · 25/03/2023 07:57

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

❤

Greyflowers · 25/03/2023 08:03

Always4Brenner · 23/03/2023 20:25

Awful behaviour I’d have shouted back “hope you’re fertile so can’t spawn bastards then to inflict on society” or some remark, evil vermin they really are.
thank god I’m invisible now never was a beauty today simply don’t care 56 now.

Show quote history

Unfortunately I think if I’d said anything it would have been turned back on me so I just hurried away

Pugdogmom · 25/03/2023 08:19

I always went through a crisis of confidence in my 20s/ 30s and 40s. My youngest daughter in her mid 20s is doing the same. We are always our own worst critics.
Now I am well into my 50s, I have decided to celebrate the ageing process and zero fucks are given. Some days I look like a bag lady, and other days I make an effort.
I have followed a few MUAs and Style Gurus on YouTube to update my look. Its not necessarily about buying new clothes, but wearing things differently and putting things together differently.
A few people have noticed and said I look fabulous, but it's not to get compliments from people ( and certainly NOT from men as have been married for 25 years), I just want to look better for me, if I feel like it.
Start with your hair, and get cut into a decent easy kept hairstyle. I went blonde due to grey and my hair takes me 15 mins to Style.
Please don't feel disheartened OP.

KvotheTheBloodless · 25/03/2023 08:27

Emilyanna · 23/03/2023 15:26

Well I guess we can't do anything about getting older! But you could improve a couple of the things you mentioned? If you have jowls, are you maybe carrying a bit of extra weight (sorry)? Losing it in your 30s will be much better than waiting, as losing weight around your face at a later age seems to leave people with erm baggy neck 🙈 And what about feeling tired? Check vitamins, diet, exercise? I would have thought at 38 feeling/looking tired is not inevitable and you can fix it.
I think that actually getting a bit older is great, in terms of NOT getting leered at all the time. Can you rethink it like that? I'm 36, and don't think I look hugely different to say my late twenties, but these days I deliberately make no effort at all bar brushing my hair, and nobody ogles me anymore - it's great! People I know still like me for me - that's all I need.

The weight thing is definitely true - I gained some weight around 35-36, still healthy on the BMI scale but definitely not slim. My face looked dreadful, the podge sort of sagged in ways that created more lines/hollows, I was Googling plastic surgery! Since losing the weight though, my face has gone back to normal. I obviously have few lines etc., but that's normal for 38. I'm just thrilled my jowls/looser chin have fucked off again, it was not a good look for me.

DangerousAlchemy · 25/03/2023 08:38

I'm almost 48 OP - the dreaded 50 is fast approaching. I avoid mirrors a bit more now lol. Everyone has days when they feel rubbish about their appearance & weight & then other days when they feel they look OK & hair looks good etc. I surround myself with lovely friends & have lots of hobbies that make me feel happy (yoga, volunteering, HIIT classes, dog walking & a choir). These definitely help my mental health & make me feel I've achieved something. I've just started fostering cats for a local charity & that's been a brilliant experience tbh! (only one cat at a time - though kitten season is fast approaching so fingers crossed I might get a pregnant kitty at some point 💖). I could probably lose a stone & I wanted to do that before our holiday abroad next Saturday but hey ho that's life! My parents both died in their early/late 70s which just seems far too young tbh. Now my kids are mid/late teens I'm planning on lots of things I couldn't do when they were younger & more dependent. Finances depending of course. Just got my hair dyed & that always makes me feel more attractive & less old/grey. I wear contact lenses as don't like how I look in glasses etc. I bought a new winter coat as my old one was a disgrace tbh 🙃 Hubby is slowly growing older/greyer but he honestly just doesn't give a shit about any of that.

queenMab99 · 25/03/2023 08:51

I used to buy a lot of clothes from Monsoon in our town centre, because as you walked in there was a mirror, set at a slight angle, which made me look tall and slim, the mirrors and lighting in the changing rooms were also flattering. I did wonder why other shops didn't have the same, surely it would be good for business?
I no longer shop in real shops, or have my hair cut at hairdressers, as the mirrors make it too stressful now I am in my 70s. I let my hair grow, and shop on line, keeping my illusion that I still look OK.

RosaBonheur · 25/03/2023 08:59

I think you can become invisible as you age, but it's not inevitable. I can think of many older women who look their age and look amazing. Not just famous women, but women I know in real life. But the thing they all have in common is that they make an effort to invest in themselves.

Generally speaking, but not always, this means not being overweight. But I think it's more about finding the weight that feels most comfortable for you and then staying there. All your clothes should be comfortable and flattering on you at that weight, so you feel good wearing them. If you're a size 18 and you'd like to be a size 12 but no matter what you do, you just can't lose weight, there's no point buying size 12 clothes in the hope that you'll eventually fit into them, or squeezing yourself into clothes that are a size or two too small, or wearing ratty old clothes because you don't see the point buying nice things at your current size. Just accept yourself as a size 18 and buy lovely clothes that suit you in that size.

You should also be prioritising your physical and mental health. Physically, this means getting as much sleep as you can, drinking enough water, trying to eat reasonably healthily most of the time without obsessing over your diet, taking a good multivitamin to plug any gaps in your nutrition, and getting some exercise (even if it's just a good brisk walk outside every day). If you smoke, quit. If you drink too much, cut down. Being in better physical shape will help your mental health, but if you're doing these things and your mental health is still poor, you may want to look into other things like therapy, counselling or meditation, as well as doing things you enjoy.

Happy, healthy people of any age look better than sad, sick people.

Finally, take care of your skin and hair. You don't have to go over the top but make sure you're properly cleaning and moisturising your skin every day, and using SPF to protect your skin against sun damage. Get a flattering hair cut in a style you can maintain yourself, and make sure you wash and style it regularly and have it trimmed as often as necessary. Makeup and hair dye are optional, not compulsory.

I think if you commit to doing these things you will look and feel much better about yourself at any age. Ageing is a privilege. Don't waste the time you have left pining for your lost youth.

Disco2023 · 25/03/2023 09:02

I’m round faced so have looked younger all my life. I’ve never been particularly pretty and stared at etc but that doesn’t bother me. I’m 44 but wow the aging has now kicked in the last couple of years Not even wrinkles apart from the eyes going a bit. But things like under my chin, face dropping a bit, dark eyes/hollow beginning to show under my eyes. Hair texture changing. I see my mum/ grandma in the mirror some days it’s so weird. It does make you feel frumpy and middle aged

Im one of those that really appreciates life and living to a good age but wow it doesn’t stop me catching myself with surprise in the mirror sometimes. But I’ll carry on eating a good balanced diet, look after my skin, moving my body and living a good life cos it’s too short!

EddieSteady · 25/03/2023 09:14

I don't think ageing is a privilege, there are good aspects to it but seeing the changes and disliking them sucks.

Richie · 25/03/2023 09:17

@TheMatisseStories
What an absolute perfect and insightful response. I salute you, and I too, (have issues sometimes about feeling old), shall take heed. Wise words indeed, thank you.

OP, stay strong, and you could “take heed with me”? ;))

GettingStuffed · 25/03/2023 09:43

I'm 58 and I accept that I'm older but I don't look my age, I regularly pass for bring in my 40s. Just feel confident about the changes age brings. Choose clothes that you like, today I'm wearing black tapered trousers, a dark grey tshirt and a burgundy pleated cardigan. I don't care what anyone else thinks it's a going shopping on a very windy day outfit.

CovertImage · 25/03/2023 09:49

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

This really is a great post

chocolatebrownie123 · 25/03/2023 10:13

Giving you a big virtual hug OP. I've been struggling with changing looks since I turned 37. I surrounded by younger friends who don't understand and I often feel dismissed, so I really appreciate your post and honesty. I'm slim but now have jowls, I've always been healthy but my face is still dropping, skin getting discoloured, saggy and puffy. I find regular exercise, avoiding alcohol and drinking lots of water helps a lot. I know there's more to life and there are wise words on this thread, but I hear you. I especially struggle in this new age of constant photos and posting on social media; I find if I don't see photos I often forget about my ageing, and then when I do it can deflate me somewhat, but of course, there is more to life!

Cotonsugar · 25/03/2023 10:16

Don’t mean to depress you further but wait until you’re 59! One minute I was dreading being 40 and now here I am - can’t believe it. Anyway, acceptance is key. It might take a while but once you have it life becomes better. Also, mirrors in shops are awful and make you look worse.

Nicparke · 25/03/2023 10:20

Wow. I needed to read this. What a beautiful post. I feel so inspired. Thank you x

highintheskypurple · 25/03/2023 10:43

there is a photo of a Spanish looking woman with wrinkles and sliver hair but she is wearing a white blazer and nice trousers and a top, smiling.

I want to age like her but I'm only just hitting 30 and the wrinkles have made an appearance and I'm even getting a mustache and little prickles of hair on my chin! I'd have to put in an enormous amount of effort to look as good as that lady today, still technically in my 20s.

So... I don't have any wisdom but I used to feel ugly at 16 but I was a stunner. You're going to feel the same at 50 or 60 or 70 about the previous decade.

I'd start working out or something because losing your looks is one thing but losing your mobility is another.

Lookingoutside · 25/03/2023 10:48

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

Fucking beautiful. Thank you @TheMatisseStories

I copied and pasted your piece into notes and will share it with friends.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/03/2023 10:57

I'm in my 60s don't even think about whether l'm invisible or not. I feel about 30 inside and l'm sticking with that. I feel happy and contented with my life and try to dress in colours that l like and keep my hair nice. And l am not slim.. somewhere in between. Stop accepting that women are invisible at 40 and beating yourself up. If you are happy inside it will shine out.
I know the feeling of catching yourself in a mirror and getting a shock but from where l'm standing 38 is young. Treat yourself to a nice haircut and smile. I notice 40 year old looking fabulous these days.

QueefQueen80s · 25/03/2023 11:01

EddieSteady · 25/03/2023 09:14

I don't think ageing is a privilege, there are good aspects to it but seeing the changes and disliking them sucks.

Of course it's a priviledge compared to being bone dust sitting in a pot!

QueefQueen80s · 25/03/2023 11:03

Privilege*

I also don't get the invisibility thing.. I see older women everywhere, chat to them, smile at them.. I and everyone I know acknowledge older women more than teenagers etc

thedevilinablackdress · 25/03/2023 11:12

I had a wistful moment for my lost youth last night when I saw a group of very beautiful young people in the pub last night. The I remembered the wise words of this thread and carried on enjoying my evening.

StressedOutMumBex · 25/03/2023 11:16

OP I’m sure many women feel the same way about ourselves. I spend less time on my appearance now than ever have but, I am ok with it, I have 2 kids and not much time to focus on me, I can’t turn back the clock on ageing but what I can and easily do for myself is this :
eat a varied diet with plenty of fruit / veg
eat smaller amounts of carbs, (this helps me feel less tired and bloated).
I try to get 7-8 hours of sleep each night
I take vitamin d and omega 3 supplements. (Doctor recommended)
A weekly facial scrub really helps with your skin, ( I use the St Ives scrub, it’s inexpensive and can be done quickly) it does improve the texture and brightness of your skin by removing the dull and dead skin cells on the top. This is my investment in myself.
If you focus on small changes to your daily life to improve your wellbeing, you should see results and feel better about yourself.
OP when I see myself in a mirror I always think I look old and tired, I think that most people do, but people are surprised when I tell them my age (I’m over 50) and although occasionally I think I would like to be my 25 year old self again looks wise, overall I am happier in my own skin today than I ever was then. I have a lot more confidence now and generally like myself, (even if I am older and less attractive than I used to be.)
OP please remember that we all judge ourselves too harshly because when we look in the mirror we look straight at all the areas we don’t like about ourselves, actually most people don’t look at us that critically or see us the same way. Please be kind to yourself best wishes.