Page 5 | Left feeling so ugly after shopping trip :(

Invisible30something · 2023-03-23T15:05:37+00:00

Hi, Firstly, I know ageing a privilege. It ^really^ is, but seeing your face change so quickly and dramatically and feeling less and less attractive, is really tough. I had a very quick trip into town this morning and initially felt OK when I left the house. As soon as I walked through the door of the first shop though 😒 .... All I could see was frizzy, flat hair (used to be lovely and thick) jowls and dark circles/hollows. I honestly wanted to leave, but I needed to actually buy some clothes! I just got in, tried on and got out. I'm only 38 (not for much longer) but I just feel so tired, old and unattractive. It's really getting me down. It wasn't that long a go I used to get loads of compliments, second glances, chat ups etc and I ^know^ I shouldn't put so much value on all that, but I honestly do feel invisible now. I know this is how pretty much all women feel after a certain age, but it's still hard to try and ignore. Got home and immediately ordered yet ^another^ "wonder" concealer (Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer to those who are interested 😂) but I know it will be yet another beauty product disappointment 😞 so more money down the train, no doubt. Not sure why I'm posting this really. Just felt like sharing I guess.

Spangasspikeywig · 24/03/2023 19:14

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

Beautifully written.

vinoinveritas · 24/03/2023 19:16

I really enjoyed reading this too - it was very eloquently written & made me see things differently! Thank you

Itsybitsytitsy · 24/03/2023 19:17

@TheMatisseStories

Wise words 👏

Cacklingwitch · 24/03/2023 19:22

I’m in my late 30s and was feeling like this a few years ago. I had two young kids (including one who didn’t sleep well), and a long commute to a tiring job. After looking so young I was always ID’d, I seemed to age very quickly (grey hairs, a proper Gordon Ramsey brow, tired spotty skin) and got into a real rut with my hair and clothes. I was really unhappy with my appearance, mainly because it just didn’t reflect how I felt about and perceived myself.

On an absolute whim I got my hair cut into a pixie crop, which over time I’ve changed style and colour more times than I can count. Now my kids are older I have more time to spend on my skin and got into a routine that has improved it so I no longer wear as much makeup (acne turned me into a heavy foundation wearer as a teen). I gave my wardrobe a bit of a shakeup and started wearing all the lovely things I kept buying but was never confident enough to wear. And the last couple of years I’ve been getting a bit of Botox to sort my furrowed brow out.

I feel so much more confident in myself than I did in my late 20s, like the me of my uni years has returned. And it all started with a haircut!

Stars2theside · 24/03/2023 19:32

I’m also 38, soon to be 39 and I started having botox last year and I love it! It makes me feel good about myself and my make up goes on beautifully so I need to wear less. My Botox isn’t actually the brand ‘Botox’ the anti wrinkle treatment I have lasts me a good 6 months and I have it in 3 areas - forehead, my starting to get deep set brow furrow and the corners of my eyes. I still have some wrinkles right next to my eye and under them but I’m ok with that, I still look fairly natural without having ‘frozen face’ but even if I had a frozen face I wouldn’t care if that’s what I wanted! The point is you need to do for you whatever makes you feel good! I also have my nails done - builder in a bottle so they’re my natural nails - and I get my hair dyed too, because my greys are all straggly and in weird places! If they would grow a bit more together I would just embrace them!
I’ve also found that drinking plenty of water really helps my skin look and feel better. I have 2 litres a day most days. It really helps! Good luck OP, do what makes you feel good!

palepinkflowers · 24/03/2023 19:35

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

^This.

What a kind, perceptive and elegant response. I agree wholeheartedly. I am 65 and am often finding unexpected benefits in being older, such as having the time to notice nature’s beauty, enjoying new hobbies as well as taking pleasure still in things I used to enjoy as a younger woman. There are, of course, some changes coming my way and I am learning to deal with them in a way that suits me and my lifestyle.

Morgysmum · 24/03/2023 19:36

I don't care about how I look skin wise. I only dabbled a little with make up as a young girl.
My mum pointed out, that if a man cannot love you without a face full of make up, then he doesn't love you, only the make up. So I have never bothered, I am also allergic to lipstick, so I could wear some, but it's expensive, for a trip to the local pub. (which isn't glamorous)
I hate clothes shopping, or another reason feeling fat, I try a pair of trousers, that are my size, but they don't fit, I hadn't put on any weight. (was on a diet) so knew I hadn't. I didn't want to buy the size up, to get a look off the person maning the changing rooms.
A lot of places do skinny fit, when are they are going to do a fatty fit.

TacoCat123 · 24/03/2023 19:55

I'm 42 now and this thread has made me realize how much better I feel about my appearance than I did when I was 36/37. I look back at photos of myself then and notice tired / dull skin, dark circles, generally looking (and feeling) tired. Can't identify the exact thing that helped but things I do now (that I didn't then) include being more mindful to stay hydrated, drink less alcohol / have more alcohol free days, exercising regularly, not constantly trying to maintain a low weight (didn't realise how haggard it was making my face look!) - now focus on strength / health rather than weight loss, LED red light therapy mask, better skin care (cleanse, tone, moisturizer, facial oils, etc!). On top of this I've given up gluten, red meat and dairy and take high strength vitamin D. Sounds like a lot written all down but I made these changes very slowly over the last few years and it's become my new norm.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 24/03/2023 20:46

Greyflowers · 23/03/2023 16:38

I’ve tried to tell myself I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and it was a coincidence they happened to pick on someone with the difficulties I’ve had but it absolutely shredded the small about of confidence I’d built back up.

So many times I’d told myself people aren’t a staring / laughing at me as they are busy going about their days etc and then suddenly I’m in a situation where the things I fixate on are being ridiculed (weight and I’ve fought to lose 5 stone but clearly I’m still massive) it was so hard to get out again and I just feel awful I wish I’d left the house later or earlier and they hadn’t been there

Show quote history

Do you know why teens can't vote? Buy alcohol? Access many things that matured society can? Buy a pair of scissors?

Because teens (including us back then) are predominantly fucking stupid. We were self absorbed. Driven by peer response and impressing our fellow stupid teens. We didn't know who we were. Hormonal. Emotional. Shouty. Weepy. Aggressive. Confused. Show offs. Ill though out actions. Learning, growing, inexperienced, wanting to find out feet, fit in, stand out.

Now tell me, does that sound like a group of people you should lose any sleep over? Absolutely not

Snorkello · 24/03/2023 21:26

don’t fret! You’ll soon be in the secret society of the over 40’s club were women live carefree (or should). You’ll realise that you no longer give an F and it’s wonderfully liberating!

Marketing isn’t for us, not because we are invisible, but because we don’t buy into it anymore.

so countdown the days until you are no longer bothered that you’re hair isn’t shiny or you can’t shift a few extra pounds. You’ll need those later.

eat the cheese, drink the wine, enjoy the company of women such as @TheMatisseStories who are wise and kind, and take a moment every day to be grateful for just being here and savouring the magic.

and yes, shop lighting is terrible and should be avoided at all costs.

Caelan2018 · 24/03/2023 21:43

I could have written this just turned 44 last week and havr 4 boys 18,4 ,2 and 1 and I feel like I have completely lost myself I have put on so much weight since having the last 3 boys and I feel invisible I don't even bother going out anymore the girls have stopped asking now I need to get back to me this year loving been at home with kids for now

BlondieLady · 24/03/2023 21:50

But you sound like you are 100! I have 10 years on you and don't feel invisible. Have confidence, walk positively, hold your head up and be happy, interested in the world around you, life is for living and enjoying 😉

Dibbydoos · 24/03/2023 22:01

I know, OP. One day you look in the mirror and don't recognise yourself 😪

I never spend money on me so I've decided to have PRP. It's not cheap - £85 a go and yiu need 6 sessions, but before and after pics are pretty persasive. It lasts c3 years without top ups, so maybe a top up after 18m?!

Anyway none of us need to be upset about our skin aging anymore, we can hold things back a little with non invasive beauty treatments 😁 though we can't hold back aging of the body quite so easily! 😬

Mamanyt · 24/03/2023 23:07

I am now 70 years old. I have learned that every gray (silver, in my case, lucky genes) is an honor badge of a youth well misspent, and every line and wrinkle are scars of a battle honorably fought. It took me a minute to get there. I wish the same freeing feeling for you. And it really is freeing! Remember, the setting of the sun is no less lovely than the dawn!

MamaBearBoo · 24/03/2023 23:12

I'm same age and in my younger days got a lot of compliments and chatted up quite a lot and has been less since I've had kids and got older. However on my most recent trip to town I got told I was stunning and the guy asked if I was single (he was slightly younger than me and attractive) to which I replied that no I was married and he asked if I was happily married- I said yes but was pretty horrified that he even asked this I was with my youngest child!! I didn't really consider this to be a compliment -did he think I would be single or cheat on my husband - which I have never and would never do -our marriage isn't perfect but no I wouldn't do it! I use YSL concealer and garnier tinted moisturiser!

Dimond08 · 24/03/2023 23:15

I’m sorry crossstitchingnana ·
i have never heard/read such 💩written in my life. Older people are not valued. Cope on!
wait until you mature!!! Behave yourself! 🤬🤯🤯🤯

JamSandle · 24/03/2023 23:19

Women are so hard on themselves. Please be nice to yourself :)

Shantayyoustaysashayaway · 25/03/2023 00:42

@Invisible30something I used to feel like you. I'm quite overweight (size 20 & only 5ft 2) due to quite severe mobility issues & meds. I used to hide myself in baggy dark clothes as always felt fat & frumpy & thought people was looking at me & judging. I dreaded turning 40 & was absolutely in bits at turning 50 as I thought that was it, I was over the hill. Kept telling everyone I was going to bed the day before & not getting up till the day after.
Got up on my 50th & it was like someone had turned a switch & I thought fuck it I'm going to dress how I want, no more dowdiness. I had worn a nose stud for years & always wanted to wear a hoop but was too worried about what people would think, that I was to old & frumpy. The day I turned 50 I started wearing a silver nose ring, went to the hairdressers & had one side of my head shaved & coloured it bright red. (Grew the shaved look out as it didn't suit me & now have a long pixie) I started wearing bright coloured clothes & in the winter dresses with bright colourful (snag) tights & dm style boots. I do still check with DH & 2 adult dds & most importantly 14 yo dgd that I look ok & check that dgd wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me.
On the inside I still feel frumpy & fugly & am really insecure but when I'm out its fake it till you make it & I actually get compliments on how I look.
Hope the fuck it switch starts working for you soon ❤️

thedevilinablackdress · 25/03/2023 01:20

@Morgysmum buy the size that fits, it's just a number and shop sizing is so erratic that there's 3 or 4 sizes that I might buy depending on the ship and the garment.
And the assistants really don't notice or care.

thedevilinablackdress · 25/03/2023 01:20

*shop, not ship!

ToastMarmalade · 25/03/2023 01:52

It helps to be short sighted, and I only need to wear my glasses for driving and films. So seeing myself in the mirror in my 50s isn’t as bad as I thought…

ProstituteHair · 25/03/2023 01:56

Spare me wisdom and opinions!

The only decent relationship you'll ever have is with yourself.

You have to make it work.

You have to make it good.

You only become invisible if your worth was being visible to others. You have to be visible to yourself.

I tell my children, you are the most important person in your life.

Centre yourself in your own life.

See yourself!

thenumberseven · 25/03/2023 02:01

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

What an absolutely beautiful and spot on message
Thank you

TheaBrandt · 25/03/2023 06:16

I think I have the opposite of body dysmorphia I think I look better than I do. It’s great!

Also honestly everyday is precious. I work with the terminally ill - there are a few years late teens early twenties where some women are at their peak of beauty - it’s lovely but it’s a stage. The next stage is different to that. You have to let it go. Clinging on is what’s sad.

LouLou198 · 25/03/2023 06:23

@TheMatisseStories what a beautiful post!
I am 40 op, I'm getting fine lines and carrying a little extra weight than I should around my tummy, but I am embracing getting older. I am focusing now more on my wellbeing rather than my looks. I try to eat well, exercise regularly, get enough sleep and take my vitamins. I've spent the majority of my 20s and 30s looking after small children, now I'm looking forward to this next decade as my children are becoming more independent and I am getting more time for myself.