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Left feeling so ugly after shopping trip :(

186 replies

Invisible30something · 23/03/2023 15:05

Hi,

Firstly, I know ageing a privilege. It really is, but seeing your face change so quickly and dramatically and feeling less and less attractive, is really tough.

I had a very quick trip into town this morning and initially felt OK when I left the house. As soon as I walked through the door of the first shop though 😒 ....

All I could see was frizzy, flat hair (used to be lovely and thick) jowls and dark circles/hollows. I honestly wanted to leave, but I needed to actually buy some clothes! I just got in, tried on and got out.

I'm only 38 (not for much longer) but I just feel so tired, old and unattractive. It's really getting me down.

It wasn't that long a go I used to get loads of compliments, second glances, chat ups etc and I know I shouldn't put so much value on all that, but I honestly do feel invisible now. I know this is how pretty much all women feel after a certain age, but it's still hard to try and ignore.

Got home and immediately ordered yet another "wonder" concealer (Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer to those who are interested 😂) but I know it will be yet another beauty product disappointment 😞 so more money down the train, no doubt.

Not sure why I'm posting this really. Just felt like sharing I guess.

OP posts:
Always4Brenner · 23/03/2023 20:26

Always4Brenner · 23/03/2023 20:25

Awful behaviour I’d have shouted back “hope you’re fertile so can’t spawn bastards then to inflict on society” or some remark, evil vermin they really are.
thank god I’m invisible now never was a beauty today simply don’t care 56 now.

sorry meant infertile.

Monty27 · 23/03/2023 20:38

Listen up OP. You will look back on your 38 years old self and realise that you were young and beautiful. I have no doubt you are. Keep having well cut clean and conditioned hair. Moisturiser and cleansing, good foundation and red lipstick. And spring is on the way. Good to go.

davegrohll · 23/03/2023 20:38

Omg yes the hairdressers is the worst, I sit there with my wet hair and think Jesus have I always been this ugly 😆

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 20:53

Greyflowers · 23/03/2023 16:38

I’ve tried to tell myself I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and it was a coincidence they happened to pick on someone with the difficulties I’ve had but it absolutely shredded the small about of confidence I’d built back up.

So many times I’d told myself people aren’t a staring / laughing at me as they are busy going about their days etc and then suddenly I’m in a situation where the things I fixate on are being ridiculed (weight and I’ve fought to lose 5 stone but clearly I’m still massive) it was so hard to get out again and I just feel awful I wish I’d left the house later or earlier and they hadn’t been there

Greyflowers

PLEASE don’t let these little arseholes stop you from going out again.

At the risk of sounding like an arsehole myself - I am slim and have been described as beautiful many times - and I’ve still been at the receiving end of nasty comments (usually by men but once or twice groups of teenage boys too) - it’s all about impressing one another and trying to garner a laugh from their cronies - it’s nothing to do with you at all - you won’t have been the first or last person they insulted that day I promise you.
I just want to implore you not to let this set you back as your post made me feel so sad. Get back out there, don’t hide away - there will always be rude/nasty people and you can’t let them stop you living your life.

Op, I am 40 and I do understand the struggle with getting older but I just think to myself “I’m ageing along with everybody else!” No one stays looking the same and I actually think most people look their age it’s just that some are more polished than others bc they spend a lot more time on their appearance.

My aunt was my age when she died - Growing old is a privilege.

JennyDarlingRIP · 23/03/2023 20:58

This is going to sound like a cliche but I look so much brighter since I've started going back to the gym regularly and drinking loads of water, friends and family members have commented that my skin and hair look great, I have more of a flush and general brightness to my skin. I'd tried creams and lotions and potions. I've also gone back to religiously removing my make up properly every night and moisturising day and night nothing fancy Neal's yard at night and simple in the morning. I'm also sleeping better because I'm physically tired whereas before it was mainly my brain that was exhausted, which I think helps

Reinventinganna · 23/03/2023 20:58

@TheMatisseStories You are my new favourite person. I love what you have written.

Op, the art of looking beautiful is to simply not give a fuck. Wear clothes and makeup that make you happy, go au natural if that’s your thing. Who cares who’s looking. I don’t!

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 23/03/2023 21:00

just changing the colour of your top can change your looks, lots of people do not look good with black next to their face or bright white, often it's just a change in tone, but even without changing make up or hair style just do not wear clothes that make you look ill, or that don't fit
if you can afford it get some bras that fit as no top will look good without right bra, if you can find lots of different coloured tops or scarves or jumpers just try them next to your face you will soon see which ones work and what doesn't
personally I think ripped jeans is for the young personally I hate them anyway
don't buy a black coat becuase it goes with everything navy or olive green or grey may suit you better without going to the bright pink or lime green extremes, or if you have to make your black coat last a coloured scarf in the neck can totally change the look

TheOGCCL · 23/03/2023 21:55

To be fair that Nars concealer is brilliant.

I get this a lot and although I do a lot of beauty stuff it's harder and harder to look on top form.

There was a thread on here the other day about learning to accept ageing with some good advice. I think it's probably mostly about not trying to get back to where you were but adapting to each new phase.

There are some benefits of getting older. I spend time with some younger people at work and they laugh at me for some of the things I tell them I've been up to at the weekend (not 'cool') but I don't care at all. I would rather do things I enjoy whilst they are still in a very judgemental phase - like these insecure idiots laughing at PPs clothing choices. They just don't have any wisdom.

Discwriter · 23/03/2023 22:04

@TheMatisseStories so beautifully written. You're the Baz Luhrman (Sunscreen) of S&B.

butterfliedtwo · 23/03/2023 22:07

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

Fantastic post. I've been thinking about a lot of this lately. Thanks for sharing.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/03/2023 22:10

@AnybodyAnywhere ha, ha - I'm 61 and you are correct. 15 years ago I used to get the odd look from some fit young thing who probably thought I was a bit of a MILF- these days- not even a twinkle from blokes my own age!!!

VerveClique · 23/03/2023 22:18

@TheMatisseStories brava x

Gotafaceon · 23/03/2023 22:25

We are wiser, more experienced, stronger and more at peace with ourselves and the world than young people. Many of us have more money and better jobs than we did in our teens, have birthed children, had health battles, raised families, held families together and are absolute queens.

Fuck society that tells us that youth is more beautiful than all of that. I'm not playing that game. I wear what I like, I don't care if it's deemed too young (too young for what?) or I'm deemed too wrinkly, too fat or too thin. I'm only here for a short time. I look like I look and I'm happy. I think I'm beautiful. I bet you are too (I'm much older than you) and dont let stupid society say otherwise.

EsteeLouder · 23/03/2023 22:26

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

What a lovely post ❤️

Happyhappyeveryday · 23/03/2023 22:29

TheMatisseStories · 23/03/2023 15:23

We probably all know that being defined by attractiveness and compliments speaks very little of our value as human beings. We are trained from birth to fear ageing and very little attention is given to the positives of this natural and often rewarding process.
Life and youth are fleeting, yet as the years unfold I become more and more interested and attracted to older women's style - their hair and how it changes, how they carry themselves, how they adapt to new challenges and styles.

Youth is pretty, but maturity is deep.
To witness a beautiful, older woman at ease in her body (regardless it's limitations) and mind is a rare and exquisite thing. For me, growing older is my ticket to non conformity, self expression, trying new things.
I honestly don't care if my skin and silhouette are changing. I am not here on this earth for such a short time to chase the perks of youth or worry about the demands of a society which is increasingly and unhealthily obsessed with surface images.

I also don't believe that older women are invisible. If I felt that way I might want to consider why, because my youthful looks could reasonably be said to define only around 10% of my life here on this planet, so if no one is noticing the other 90% I might wonder who I am surrounding myself with...

You will become invisible to marketing which doesn't see you as a target. You may also become invisible to men who fear or dislike women having agency or power. You might also become invisible to youth focused marketing, because you are now in the 'discerning' customer bracket. I will call all of this a plus, not a negative.

So you have this one life, this body and face. Use your maturity to your advantage and waft the concerns aside. As you will have done in youth, make the most of what you've got. Regard your self image in a similar way to how you would regard your daughter (proverbial or literal). Would you see your middle aged daughter as invisible? Likely not. Offer yourself the grace and generosity you deserve, and enjoy your physical reality in the here and now. You won't get any younger, and the world won't stop teaching women to loathe themselves anytime soon.

I am frizzy, nearly 50, and it's ok. I'm not having any fucker shit on my self image. It took me decades to grow to care for and love myself, and there's no turning back now.

Beautiful, uplifting post. Needed, thank you x

Clarabe1 · 23/03/2023 22:38

I watched Great British Chef earlier. I love Andi, she is bald, she is a bigger girl and she is stunning because she oozes confidence. My point is beauty really is more than conventional good looks. . Make the most of what you have got and remember you are your own worst critic.

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 23/03/2023 22:40

@TheMatisseStories what a truly wonderful post. Like a PP, I think this is the best thing I’ve ever read on MN. I’d like you to know that your words have had a profoundly positive effect to a stranger on the internet this evening.

JeanMarie · 23/03/2023 23:02

@TheMatisseStories I'm echoing others when I say that is one of the best posts I've ever read. I'd like to print it out and read it again and again.

PhoenixIsFlying · 23/03/2023 23:14

TheMatisseStories I loved reading your post and reflects my thoughts exactly.

I am 48 and I cut my hair short, live in baggy clothes and feel so much happier just being me. I don't look too bad but I don't really try.

I love seeing my 13 year old daughter enjoying her youthful beauty, it makes me smile but I too find beauty in older women.
We are the wise women, the ones who can impart our knowledge and wisdom on the younger generations. I like that.
My relationships with others are deep as they are based purely on who we are and not what we look like. There is a wonderful freedom that comes with ageing, it's something to embrace. Xx

RemoteControlDoobry · 23/03/2023 23:26

I just wanted to say that the dark circles could be a sign of gluten intolerance. I developed them almost overnight but they’re mostly fine now that I’ve stopped eating gluten. Other people on here have said the same.

Kennykenkencat · 23/03/2023 23:29

I am in my 60s and started on Tretinoin a few months ago.

My hair does need attention but I am allergic to all shampoos and hair dyes and I still dress like a homeless person but my skin is glowing.

Kennykenkencat · 23/03/2023 23:34

I also don't believe that older women are invisible

🤣🤣🤣

I think without cctv I could rob a bank and no one would be able to describe me

I am in my 60s I am completely invisible

At 50 you are to young to experience what being invisible looks like.

neilyoungismyhero · 23/03/2023 23:37

AnybodyAnywhere · 23/03/2023 17:00

Don’t worry, it gets better - at 68 you really don’t have to worry any more because you are Completely Invisible.

I'm 71 and I've gone blonde (dark) it hides the grey longer. I don't let anyone make me feel invisible. I detest ageing for all the usual reasons, loss of looks health etc. But I'm not invisible and don't intend to he ever.

TheOrigRights · 24/03/2023 00:13

I'm 52 and don't feel at all invisible. Or maybe I just give so few fucks that I don't notice.

TheMatisseStories · 24/03/2023 00:43

Wow, thanks for the kind comments about my post on page 1 Flowers

And to answer @Greyflowers : Can I ask how you deal with people hating on you or with bullies?

I haven't experienced anything like this as an adult, although did as a young teen. I am so very sorry you have had to deal with that.
I was a very ordinary looking adolescent yet still endured a year long tirade of bullying and verbal abuse at the hands of a group of boys at my 'so called privileged' high school. I have no idea why they picked me, since I wasn't socially awkward or different in any way..I think it's the luck of the draw sometimes, the wrong place, the wrong time.

This was short lived and within a few years I was considered very lovely, with most people going out of their way to inform me about it, often times quite brutally, as if that very loveliness was either a weapon I might use against them, or something I was keeping from them.
Some people say that having been considered lovely makes it more difficult to accept ageing, yet it has had the very opposite effect on me.

I spent decades of my life caring about how I was perceived (normal young woman levels, but still). I was far from vain and actually longed to just throw it all off and live in a tree stump wearing fisherman's knits and a tweed cap. But I was young, slim and attractive, and in some ways felt as if I 'owed' the world my attractiveness. As if it wasn't my own.

I am delighted to have graduated out of that. I have done this willingly and stubbornly as my looks haven't altered much yet. I take care of myself to the best of my ability, on my own terms, and for my own pleasure. Ageing has fortified me in this sense; the liberation of throwing off the mantle of responsibility that is thrust upon every young woman the world over - to tirelessly serve societies expectations of her body and image.

I care about my looks and health (I love yoga and good food), but my perspective has changed dramatically. I am more concerned with human connection, spiritual (non religious) growth, being part of the great crowd of life that spins around me. And to find my own stillness in the midst of that, via art, music, reading and learning. We are so, so much more than our jowls and grey hairs, our extra pounds and our ability to turn a male head. And when we do turn a male head, ever, what the hell do we even achieve? Men can't help us to grow or learn or achieve. They are a lovely distraction, but we need to get back into our own bodies ( we own them after all) and worry about whether they, the men, turn our head!
We can make changes and alterations to our appearance as we age, but it's all so very transient.

I like the wabi-sabi mindset: the appreciation of the flow of life, from birth to death, with all of the textures and nuances in-between. We only have ourselves in this here and now. Everything will change. The worst thing we can do is look back in longing or regret. To hold on to the past image of the self is incredibly limiting and dangerous - it eats precious time and gives nothing in return.

And people can be cruel. They're tired, pissed off at work, bored, lost, angry, disillusioned, in disgrace, regretful, depressed, self loathing, anxious. Those people pointing, laughing or abusing others are caught in their own existential pig swill. They're NOT present, happy or relaxed, and this is precisely what enables them to dehumanise you. For that one moment they can project their self loathing outwards at someone else. Always easy to sling arrows at a woman on her own. Just absolutely fuck them and move on, and concern yourself with you - uncompromisingly and completely.

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