Left feeling so ugly after shopping trip :(

[Invisible30something]

Hi,

Firstly, I know ageing a privilege. It really is, but seeing your face change so quickly and dramatically and feeling less and less attractive, is really tough.

I had a very quick trip into town this morning and initially felt OK when I left the house. As soon as I walked through the door of the first shop though 😒 ....

All I could see was frizzy, flat hair (used to be lovely and thick) jowls and dark circles/hollows. I honestly wanted to leave, but I needed to actually buy some clothes! I just got in, tried on and got out.

I'm only 38 (not for much longer) but I just feel so tired, old and unattractive. It's really getting me down.

It wasn't that long a go I used to get loads of compliments, second glances, chat ups etc and I know I shouldn't put so much value on all that, but I honestly do feel invisible now. I know this is how pretty much all women feel after a certain age, but it's still hard to try and ignore.

Got home and immediately ordered yet another "wonder" concealer (Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer to those who are interested 😂) but I know it will be yet another beauty product disappointment 😞 so more money down the train, no doubt.

Not sure why I'm posting this really. Just felt like sharing I guess.

Maybe I'm strange but every year that passes I genuinely feel more beautiful, I get men chatting me up more, my confidence increases with every year. I'm the same age as you.
I wouldn't go back to my youth for anything.

Not strange, I feel the same. I had low self-esteem through my 20s. It’s only when I got to 29/30 that I started to feel anything other than invisible. It’s not that I was unattractive in my 20s (probably more attractive, objectively) but I absolutely did not feel it. And ultimately that’s what matters - how we feel about ourselves.

Love her too!
Funnily enough last night i too was watching GBC and was chatting about Andi to my youngest of 4 DDs. She's 9.

Half way through the episode DD suddenly piped up ''Mummy why has Andi got no hair?'' and i said ''i think i read that she likes to shave it off. It's her choice i believe''. And DD had a think and then said ''hmmm, she's big and she's got no hair but she's really lovely! She's beautiful! And she's kind and always laughing ...''.

and i thought this is one of those opportunities - and said to DD - yes, women don't need to all be a certain size and shape do they? Look at her. She is lovely. We're all different and that's really good. And sometimes what's going on inside makes us beautiful too

<pleased with myself moment>

Then we went back to staring at the telly 😄

@Usernamen I get that! But I actually think I look better too. I look back at pictures of my teen years and I genuinely objectively look awful! I never got attention. My 20s I had good self esteem but now at 38 after babies etc I've found my look and have for a few years, I like that my face doesn't have the youthful roundness anymore, I love crows feet on people. I truly think that women 35 onwards are more beautiful. Younger women can be pretty.
Angelina Jolie.. she looked so much better in her 30s and now when her face got character.
I hate that society as a whole fetishises youth because of mens sexual preferences.. I'm BI btw so I do look at women in that light.. and older women are genuinely more attractive in my eyes.

And me. People used to stop and ask me if l was a model.

And now l’m plump and grey haired. I don’t really care though. It’s liberating.

I have recently lost a close relative similar in age to me. She was always beautifully turned out and immaculate and as much as I loved her I was jealous. Now she’s gone I can see how pathetic that was and it grieves me. I also think I may not be as attractive in appearance but I still have my life and my health and am here for my children and I try to be grateful for that. I still sympathise though OP as I know how you feel.

Wow! Didn't expect such a reaction. Thanks for all the lovely, uplifting replies. They have really helped me put things into perspective 😊

@Greyflowers
Sorry to hear you had misfortune to come across shitty Twats like that,
Who were behaving like Arseholes, !
Thankfully not all teenagers are like that,

It says a lot about those Twattish teenagers that they felt a frankly Need to behave like that,

There's obviously 🙄 something Seriously wrong in their heads for them to be like that,
Morons !

Don't let people like that, who obviously have some deep seated issues /insecurities,
Mess up your mind,
They are simply not worth it !
Not even a nano second of your headspace,!

Look after yourself get into habit of doing beneficial things to improve self worth ect

Such as one step at a time such as treating yourself to Holistic therapies of all sorts that take your fancy,
Try mediation or something spiritual you like or curious about

Vist nature by sea side , local parks

Have hobbies interests you are curious about to find out more about them

Get into anything creative Art wise too ,
Very beneficial for stress relief , healthy Escapism ect

Actually I was thinking last night, my mum always used to tell me that I was beautiful, that I looked lovely, but hasn't for the past couple of years. I think maybe that's bothering me more than I thought.

I remember recently getting dressed up to go out (we were all going out for dinner) and I came downstairs and she just looked me up and down and said "ready?" whereas before she would always have complimented me. Since my dd has been growing up into a beautiful young woman (and clever and funny and kind and creative - not biased at all! 😂) I think my mum feels (subconsciously no doubt) that it's now her time to be showered with compliments. Like women have a shelf life and that you couldn't possibly compliment the mother too, when the daughter is so youthful and gorgeous.

I don't mean to sound self absorbed. I know it must sound a little ' but what about ME!" but it's been very noticeable and I've always been really close to my mum, so I suppose it just cemented my feelings that yes, I've 'lost it'. Does that make sense?..

Awww Invisible30ssomething I get why that might hurt or rankle. And having DCs in their thirties it is a timely reminder to me to keep up the compliments because my DDs are just gorgeous.

It does make sense OP. I think if we're feeling sensitive we'll notice little changes in other people's attitudes/behaviour more than if we didn't give a shit ourselves.

I'm very lucky that DH is very good at saying all the right things at the right time (even if some of it is white lies - i don't care - it's great 😂) but my mother has form for being an expert at back handed compliments and jealousy. All through my life she has hated it when i've lost weight or made drastic changes to my hair. One time in my early 40s i lost about a lot of weight over the course of a year, and overnight went from dark brown (back) to pale blonde hair. Everyone else in my life (and some who hardly knew me) noticed had something positive to say - she said nothing. Not one word. I got to the 4 stone loss point (and total hair colour change day) and she she still didn't mention it. She's one of those people who, if they can't say anything cutting, wont say anything.

For me it doesn't bother me any more. I feel i have to shield my DDs from it though. She'll pick one DD and go on and on to them about how one in particular of their friends is SO PRETTY! SUCH a pretty girl ect. And i can see it on their little face thinking oh - what about me?! But they don't say anything. I'm talking primary age kids. I make sure i bump up their confidence x10.

I remember when she used to do it to me! 🙄Jealous mothers are v toxic.

I really like not getting hassled. And the weird undertones i used to get in dealing with men when I was seen as v attractive in my twenties. Found it awkward. Much easier being 48

I think what’s truly ageing is being in a rut. I’m pushing 50, I’m 2 1/2 stones over what my joints can take and I don’t give a fuck, genuinely, because I’m not exactly depriving myself of a nice slice of cake. Every day.

Anyway, I’ve always had ‘my style’. Which was you put anything on a thin young body and it looks good. I always loved dresses, waltzed into Cos, grabbed the first thing I liked the colour and feel of, put it on: amazing!

I can’t do that anymore, because boxy doesn’t suit my menopausal tummy. Unless it’s a perfect 1.5x1.5 square with holes.
I’ve been in a rut for so long! I am now learning to look at other styles that might suit me better, not be tight round my middle. But it’s not easy, I keep trying these clothes which look like shit on me. I’m not touching anything without elastic in it, I’ve learned that.
And part of it is that I can’t be bothered, and then I do go out for dinner and feel like I haven’t made an effort, cause I haven’t.

I started imagining I’m shopping for this friend who feels frumpy and out of touch. It helped a little, I brought colour into my wardrobe and some stuff I wouldn’t have been seen dead, like a bright green wrap cardigan. Getting there.

Good heavens you are only 38, i way older than that but i feel ok how i look most people think me younger. But to be honest ive always tried to look my best,i dye my hair regularly have facials have my nails done and wear clothes that flatter me ive always loved clothes and i am very fussy about how i look. Ok im lucky ive always been slim and never put on weight..looking good though at any age does require regular maintenance ite second nature to me. But i feel to a lot of English women it isnt . European women of any age seem far smarter and care how they look.

I have never really had that admired/chatted up thing much. I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive, more just ordinary but now I’m pushing 50 I dislike mirrors, the lines, the pesky chin hairs that were not there 1 min ago and now are, and my eyes looks saggy! Also I am overweight but I can’t be bothered anymore because part from Botox, I don’t see how how I can improve anything.

Though you are a bit young for all that op.

I agree with this, I'm a lot happier in my 50s than 20s/30s. I feel more free to wear what I want and do what I want with my hair!.
It's so sad that women have to feel like this and have to conform to certain standards, men certainly don't, most don't seem to bother at all.

Bloody love this. Thank you 🧡

Instant bookmark! What a fantastic post. Bravo 💐

I’m 36 and just had my first lot of Botox and some filler, honestly, it’s given me a massive confidence boost. If it makes you happy then I’m all for it.

Me too! Thank you @TheMatisseStories for a lovely post.

At some point you will realise how you look is the least interesting thing about your life will improve dramatically. Don’t sweat it and be kind to yourself.

very wise words and insight, I completely agree I do find it’s really difficult to actually live by this mantra when we’re constantly bombarded and judged entirely on our appearance … I find myself resenting the cost of trying to look professional and groomed at work when men can wear the same thousand-wash ten year old bobbly jumper and snaggly beard and never get judgemental looks or comments and certainly never be overlooked for promotion or have their input disregarded because they’re perceived as too old/not attractive, and I work in a big organisation that has serious policies on equality in place!!! Imagine if men had to blow dry their hair/apply makeup/iron their clothes/wear the up to the minute style/buy the latest skincare etc there’d be time and budget built in to allow for it!!

It’s life - wait till you are 60 & it is your teenage daughter that now gets the looks, flowers etc. do you have your health if so be thankful.

@TheMatisseStories .. rarely, nay almost NEVER, have a read such a wise, insightful and TRUE post. Thank you.

I am 51. Was never stunning but used to look better. I want to feel more ok than I do about this but your post has helped. How/when did you get so wise?! I need to know so I can follow suit!

I can't believe the way you are describing yourself at 38. I'm 36 and have to say this is the most confident I've ever felt. Not because of how I look, mainly because I no longer care what others think (like I did in my twenties). Life is short, the years fly by. Don't waste your precious time worrying about the way you look. Be grateful for your health, your family. The things that really matter.