Rated a '4' by men in the pub last night. How can I glow up?

[MsFrog]

Walked past some men last night who were rating women. I know they are dicks, I know it's disgusting behaviour, but it's made me feel completely shit. I mean, I was out with my kids for a pub tea, so I had put zero effort in. But I do look crap most of the time and I feel like my husband must be ashamed of me. Other mums manage to look nice, so having young kids is no excuse.

I'm not really used to doing hair/make up/ being stylish. Any easy tips to feel a bit better about myself?

Vile behaviour - hugs to you, that’s a horrible thing to experience. Easier said than done to ignore this kind of stuff because society conditions us to think any man’s opinion of how we look matters (irrespective of how fugly they happen to be!). Their views don’t actually matter at all - and I think these pricks know that, that’s why they do this kind of thing as a desperate attempt to have superiority over women/abuse them

When I was manager / licence holder of licensed premises I would have immediately chucked out men behaving like this.

Because the chances are that a customer - a woman customer - will never come back in case they are regulars or they just don't feel safe / trust the vibe.

How is it OK to insult other customers this way? It isn't.

Let's stick up for each other. It's hard to be the one to come up with a quick reply or be assertive if you are the one being targeted, especially if you have your kids with you. But whenever we hear it or see another woman subjected to it, let's deal with it. Tell the management. Put it on Tripadvisor or write to Head office if they don't deal with it.

OP I am sorry you had such a horrible experience.

I find anger gives you quite a glow 😉

If you want to glow up theres not much time and money cant fix.

My dh died of cancer and looked so poorly at the end but he was, in my eyes the big strong man I'd met the whole way through.

Oh that's rubbish OP. I'd try not to give it any headspace and go to a different pub in future!

I like the saying:

"never take criticism from anyone you wouldn't take advice from"

And I'm guessing you wouldnt take advice from those arseholes. I bet they were all a 1 out of 10 as well!

I hate that your initial reaction was to judge yourself and want to improve, @MsFrog

Screw those vile misogynistic knuckle-dragging wankers! Who are they to judge any woman? Let alone a woman doing something lovely for her child. To hell with their petty judgments, their disrespectful ogling of women going about their lives.

You could look like Quasimodo and you’d still be a more attractive person than those reductive shitheels.

Sod “glow up”, walk with the confidence and pride of being a decent human being and a caring mum. We see you, we respect you and we have your back.

I actually smiled at him, coz I thought he was looking at the bairn

You made an assumption he was a reasonable sane, kind adult, as you are one yourself. And he showed himself up to be scum instead. So which of you should be feeling bad about themselves right now?

God some men make me so sick. Good men just wouldn’t do this. Nice that this lot made it so easy for women to identify them as total an utter pricks and not to waste any time on them though I suppose. OP don’t spare a second more of your time thinking about them. Disgusting. I’d be so ashamed if I found out my son thought about women like that.
Your dh sounds lovely btw!

I'm glad to hear of a decent man who made you happy, on a thread about such horrible ones. Sorry for your loss.

You imagine them as what they are, brainless cockroaches scrabbling in the dirt. Now crunch them underfoot and forget about them. And feel very sorry for any women in their lives.

Bunch of arseholes.

Imagine dating pricks like that who get kicks from putting Women down.

Jesus, who wants to meet their criteria? I've spent most of my life avoiding men like that. At my age they'd probably not even bother to rate me and that feels great! I'm sure like most of us you scrub up ok, OP, when YOU want to. And how nice to be able to bask in the admiration of your husband, who sounds lovely.

What do you think is beautiful, OP? What makes you smile? What brings you joy?

When you see someone you know, and who you think is beautiful, what are you admiring about them?

I bet not one of them was more than a 3. Horrible men.

If you do want to glam up for you (not for them!) nice top, dangle earrings, bit of lipstick. That’s all I would do for family pub trip.

She isn’t a number though is she. She’s a woman who didn’t ask for their opinion.

I get your sentiment but the whole rating thing in general is gross.

This makes me feel sad.

I bet they weren't exactly oil paintings (or even people you would be attracted to) themselves.

Try and put it behind you if you can. People who make themselves feel better by putting others down are rarely secure in themselves.

Hence the capitalised if.
I agree the rating thing is gross but unfortunately some men have been dragged up and don't think anyone else's feelings matter.

How about a glow up is that your value isn't in how attractive men find you? Especially when you're just going about your own business. We don't live in the middle ages! Our looks don't actually have to be that important anymore. Nobody asks men to 'look after themselves' and stay 'young and beautiful'.

The problem with looks rating as apart from all the other misogyny it perpetuates, it also sounds like they were performing the extremely common trope of putting a woman down about her looks in order to silence and intimidate you, and make you feel like your opinions don't matter. It also serves to devalue you to them, and pre-emptively take the sting out of anything you might do or say (on the surface) so as to prevent you from harming their oh so fragile ego.

A classic example of this is the guy who tries it on with a woman he has never met, gets rejected and then scolds her for this rejection by saying "you're a fat ugly cow ANYWAY".

He clearly clocked you noticed their behaviour, and when you made eye contact, perceived (not necessarily correctly) that you either might say something, roll your eyes, or do something else to point out that what they were doing is immature and pathetic. So he loudly put you down to pre-empt that and feel big in front of his mates.

These people really and truly are pitiful. And I know it's hard for anyone, especially women, to be made to feel unattractive, because society places so much worth on our attractiveness. So even when we know we're attractive but we're focused on the small children we grew and birthed so might not have our hair highlighted and blow dried, nails done and all the other things men like this think we're born with or ought to do to please them, and so aren't looking as glam as we usually feel, and even though we know these types of people are useless scum who's insecurity with themselves wafts off them like cheap perfume, it still gives a sting.

You already know you're not a 4, don't let them get to you

I would tell yourself that they were scoring out of 5 and that you are hot.
Ignore them as i can score them virtually with group score of 1 giving each man a 0.25 score.

It's so hard to come up with a cutting riposte, but "that's 4 more than I'd rate you" might have been good...

On the other hand, you're better not to engage with such morons.

It’s probably best not to respond to men like this because they want the attention and they will be given the satisfaction that you have been affected by what they have said.

Would be great if bars could have zero tolerance for behaviour like this

It's tough when something so heinous touches on an insecurity, but it doesn't make it true OP. In contrast, it speaks volumes of this pathetic group of men.

It's very easy for those who it didn't happen to, to say, ignore it, it's meaningless, or come up with some cutting comeback in retrospect but the damage has already been done. He's made a mess of you and now you're expected to tidy up after yourself too. It's grossly unfair.

Be kind to yourself, time will give you perspective and give you clarity, absolutely nothing that you did or could have done changes that this was something done to you for which you cary absolutely no blame.

You don't owe your appearance to anyone but yourself, if you want to change anything about it, do so when you've caught your breath and with your own interests in mind only. I'm sure the posters on this board will be happy to cheer you on when you're ready.

Lovely post. Your third paragraph in particular so important to remember.

I'm overwhelmed by all these responses and the lovely, kind, supportive things you have all unanimously said. It's bath time, so can't read them properly now (but still teared up again glancing through them!), I'm coming back later to read them properly.

Thanks, you lovely strong, compassionate women

I'd have returned the comments with something like Its a good job women don't do this about men because you'd be a two.

I know my husband loves me and I'm sure yours loves you too.

If you want to look better when you go out plan your outfit, brush your hair and put on make up, shouldn't take more than ten minutes, I can give you a 5 minute make up routine. Foundation or tinted moisturiser, eyeshadow, light I've lower lid medium from centre of eye out , mascara if wanted, far of blush on outside of cheeks , which can be omitted if you wear glasses, then lipstick or gloss.

This usually gives a step up from normal but not look in overly made up