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Rated a '4' by men in the pub last night. How can I glow up?

242 replies

MsFrog · 17/02/2023 10:50

Walked past some men last night who were rating women. I know they are dicks, I know it's disgusting behaviour, but it's made me feel completely shit. I mean, I was out with my kids for a pub tea, so I had put zero effort in. But I do look crap most of the time and I feel like my husband must be ashamed of me. Other mums manage to look nice, so having young kids is no excuse.

I'm not really used to doing hair/make up/ being stylish. Any easy tips to feel a bit better about myself?

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 17/02/2023 13:07

I'm sorry that you encountered these knuckle dragging Neanderthals while you were just minding your own business and being a good Mum taking your DC out for tea. Unfortunately these examples of the Missing Link manage to infiltrate even family friendly pubs, as they tend to gravitate where there is alcohol. They, of course, always travel in packs with other Neanderthals as they only feel safe expressing their vile misogynistic beliefs with other knuckle draggers. They have no place in decent society and their days are numbered as they serve no useful purpose in modern society. They are pond life.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 17/02/2023 13:07

Who cares what they think of you. They sound like a complete bunch of losers. If they've had sex at all recently it's probably been with their wife as she desperately tries to get through the ordeal by clenching her eyes shut and fantasising she's with someone else.

Indecisivebynature · 17/02/2023 13:07

Why didn’t you rate them back??

Most men however confident are easily squashed by a few well aimed put downs.

You need to work on your self esteem!

IndianSummer78 · 17/02/2023 13:09

Oh how dare you feel confident enough to smile at a man OP! Got to slap you back down eh?

I have two states, smart and scruffy AF. Walking home from work, smiling and with a spring in my step because it's Friday afternoon and I'm free for the weekend, dressed smartly, hair done and a full face of makeup. A group of lads drives past making suggestive comments, beeping the car horn etc. Half hour later I cycled to the stables to see my horse, dressed in faded joggers with holes in, a stained and frayed tee shirt that doesn't match, hair quickly scraped back in a pony tail and with the makeup which was starting to melt half wiped off with a tissue, serious faced huffing and puffing as a scaled a hill. The SAME group of lads drove past making derisive comments and calling me names like "minger" etc. They didn't recognise me, I didn't exist to them, I was nothing more than my visual impact.

It's not you, it's them. 💐 OP. They're totally shallow and incapable of seeing A Person when they look at one.

To answer your question, if you want to change for yourself, go for simple things you can manage with your lifestyle. Declutter any faded, stained, frayed, badly bobbled or holey clothes. Also those which don't fit, which you find uncomfortable, the colour doesn't suit you, or it's lost it's shape. Find simple outfits that match your lifestyle, in colours that suit you and a size/cut that fits you. An "everyday uniform" if you like. It doesn't need to be more complex than a simple dress, or jeans with tee shirt and cardigan. Get boots/shoes, handbag and a coat that matches all your outfits, this takes away any decisions about which one to wear and prevents you getting it wrong. Have enough clothes that you can get changed if you're covered in baby sick or something. It's easier if all tops match with all bottoms, takes the thinking out of it and you'll never look mismatched because half the outfit is in the wash. Get underwear that doesn't make you sigh with depression when you look at it. You don't need those knickers with the saggy elastic or those socks with the holes in. You're worth more than "making do". This is how you look polished from the outside and feel confident in your outfits.

Drink enough water and take some form of exercise, even if it's just walking in the park with DC. Eat proper meals including vegetables and limit unhealthy snacks. Consider taking a general multivitamin and mineral supplement if you feel it's necessary. All this will make you shine from within.

Have a skincare routine. Clean your face, apply some serum, some oil if your skin is dry and some moisturizer containing SPF. Wear whatever makeup you like. If you want to wear any at all, it's not compulsory. If I'm short on time I swap ordinary moisturizer for a tinted one, use a brush to quickly put eyeshadow onto my eyelids and a quick coat of mascara, tinted chapstick for my lips. Take it off every night before bed and apply moisturizer. You probably don't have much time, so you need a hairstyle that can be washed, combed and left to air dry. And not require a trip to the hairdresser every 4 weeks to maintain it. Wash your hair when you need to, use leave-in spray conditioner if time is short, comb it daily (unless curly. If it's always a frizzy mop it's probably curly and you don't realise, so put down the hairbrush and leave it be, scrunch some mousse into it after washing/combing conditioner through). File your nails neatly. That's all you need for finishing touches to make your skin/hair glow.

Thesharkradar · 17/02/2023 13:10

Let's give these men a rating shall we?
I'm going to start with -10 for personality and ability to act like an adult.
I very much doubt that they were handsome with perfect physiques!

Thesharkradar · 17/02/2023 13:12

RobinGood · 17/02/2023 13:02

I’m nearly 40 and my friendship group is overwhelmingly female and I’ve never, ever been part of a group standing commenting on men’s appearances let alone rating them in earshot.

I think we should start, time to let them know how it feels to be treated like a piece of meat...

5128gap · 17/02/2023 13:13

When I was in my 30s, I over heard my teen neighbour discussing me with his mate who asked if I was 'a milf'. Neighbour boy laughed and said 'Nah she's fat and old'.
A couple of years ago at the age of 51, I bumped into him, now in his 30s, in a bar. He was all over me telling me how beautiful I was, offering me drinks, asking for a date.
The difference? Well, I'm nearly 20 years older, but thinner, blonder and was scrubbed up for a night out. He didn't even recognise me.
My point, that's how shallow and plain basic men's approval of women's looks can be. Given the time and a few tweaks, I dare say most of us could earn a 'high score' from these sexist idiots if we could be arsed with it. But given they're of no relevance, its nothing to be aspired to and the lack of it is nothing to be upset by.

Thighlengthboots · 17/02/2023 13:15

In my experience, its always the gross, unattractive men who spew this kind of garbage because they look like shit and behave like shit and expect a woman who is a "10" to be interested in them. If they had rated you as a "10" and you showed no interest in them, I can guarantee they would have spewed something equally gross and offensive like "probably a lesbian then" etc etc

People's reactions to us are usually about them, not us, so pay this no heed whatsoever. Be glad that neanderthals like this arent interested in you because you wouldnt want them anyway. A massive part of attractiveness is about inner confidence- hold your head high and revel in the things you love about yourself. Only care about the opinions of people you genuinely respect, not some bottom feeders outside the pub who probably resemble a potato.

RobinGood · 17/02/2023 13:20

Thesharkradar · 17/02/2023 13:12

I think we should start, time to let them know how it feels to be treated like a piece of meat...

They’d probably enjoy it 🙄

Also, I just really don’t care about the appearance of men I don’t know or have any interest in so it would be a really boring conversation.

Choconut · 17/02/2023 13:20

Next time say 'A 4 and I still wouldn't sleep with you'.

ConcordeOoter · 17/02/2023 13:21

Whether you were noticeably sidling up to have a listen or just innocently in earshot, they probably said this as a joke.

Both sexes play this game at times, but it's disgusting to let people other than the participants hear them, doubly disgusting to do it when it's the target, you don't know them and they might be upset by it.

Whatever you do don't take this to heart. They were simply upsetting you for their own amusement and one does not change one's life for the sake of shitheads.

IndianSummer78 · 17/02/2023 13:21

Inyournightgarden · 17/02/2023 12:47

I’m not defending these men for one moment, it’s a sad, pathetic way to behave.

but

have you never heard the discussions groups of women have about men’s appearances? They are brutal. Don’t just blame men, women do this too

ODFOD women generally don't have these discussions, if they have them at all, whilst the person they're talking about is walking past and can hear them. They don't generally start these discussions about a person in response to that person making eye contact and smiling at them.

ACynicalDad · 17/02/2023 13:22

Streuth, it was bad enough in the dining hall at school, but grown men! If the pub had CCTV I'd be tempted to call 101.

Banrockmystation · 17/02/2023 13:25

I’m sorry but I had to comment on this thread. This is all that’s wrong with this world, people who genuinely don’t care how their actions affect others.
Do you honestly really believe it really matters what you look like to someone like that or their opinion of you? Because a man could look like Chris Hemsworth to me but if I saw him behaving like that I would be so disgusted that he would be completely and deeply unattractive to me and I’d run in the opposite direction.
it’s corny but ‘man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart’.
Be who you are and be proud that you are not a person who rates someone’s worthiness by their appearance.

ehb102 · 17/02/2023 13:26

What you call "glow up" I call "playing patriarchy". Even as a fat old lady I get much more approval if I put on foundation and a red lipstick. It's a signal that I am a compliant woman. Clean and tidy and no makeup is not compliant. Add a hair style rather than a practical ponytail, jewellery, make up, fashionable clothes rather than just functional and you are sending out different messages. Is it fair? No. But we all have to live here.

The best way to feel good about yourself whilst living in this misogynistic world is to learn all about misogyny, what it is and how it is displayed. Then you can recognise generic woman hating instead of taking it personally. Once you have shaken off the need to approval from the male gaze you can feel incredibly free.

Upsidedownagain · 17/02/2023 13:27

The opinion of men like that is not worth having. They probably think all women should look like Barbie.

If you feel down in yourself, then by all means get a new look. A good hairstyle that suits can make a huge difference. Highlights if your colour is dull. Maybe a make up lesson.

Choose clothes to suit your shape and colouring. (Don't try to copy what others wear as different colours / styles suit different people). Back in the day there was a tv programme called "What not to wear" and someone gave me the book. Their advice was pretty good. I'm sure nowadays there are YouTube videos etc that would be useful.

shushymcshush · 17/02/2023 13:27

Your 4 rating was because you clocked what they were doing, the childish sh1ts.

Bet your kids would rate you a 10 for being a cool mum going for pub tea for a treat🤗

Ignore the idiots.

Fluffymule · 17/02/2023 13:33

This is about a bunch of inadequate men who use belittling and cocky behaviour to try and raise their 'status' amongst themselves.

Any man who thinks insulting or mocking another human makes them funny, more attractive or powerful is proving they aren't any of these things on their own merit, and that they know it. So they externalise it and seek approval and assurance from others equally as weak.

Andrew Tate has been mentioned and he is a great example of the extreme of this behaviour.

It's hard when you are the target of their inadequacy of course, but it can help to look at it like this, to see what they are lacking and how their behaviour betrays them. Basically they are the losers.

ShandaLear · 17/02/2023 13:35

Just say, ‘Thanks for that, Brad Pitt’, and get on with your day. You owe them nothing.

Thighlengthboots · 17/02/2023 13:35

have you never heard the discussions groups of women have about men’s appearances? They are brutal. Don’t just blame men, women do this too

Nope. I work in a predominantly female environment, have lots of female friendship groups, was at college with all females and have never heard them rating men in such a base way so they could hear it. I've also never seen naked men on page three of a newspaper for years and years, or half naked men parading round at sporting events for "entertainment" or men being judged in Heat magazine with comments about how they've let themselves go or had too much plastic surgery or watched multiple hollywood films where its normalised for women who are in their 70s to be dating young hot men aged 20. Yet this happens all the time when it comes to women.....

WickedSerious · 17/02/2023 13:35

RudsyFarmer · 17/02/2023 11:36

I was walking about with my 2 year old, just to keep him amused. I saw them looking at a woman in front of me, who was really pretty, and then I heard them say "definitely an 8". And then I walked really close by the table and they all looked at me really obviously, I made eye contact with one of them. He turned back to his mates and said "4" and they laughed. Writing it out, it's so clear that they are total arseholes and I hate that I've let it get to me so much.

Ouch. I completely understand your feelings now you’ve written that out. Out of interest how fit and handsome we’re the guys eating you?

Nowhere near as fit and handsome as they think,they never are.

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 13:41

These type of men are bottom-dwellers with microscopic pricks who put down women to boost their own insecurities. They would mark down a woman they thought was a 10 just to try and upset her - because they know they haven't a hope in hell of getting to be with someone like her.

It is just typical toxic male behaviour from nasty individuals and nothing to do with you or how you look at all, and all to do with them trying to prove their dominance to their friends.

I remember queuing for food on a beach and a guy in the kitchens calling his colleague over to "check me out" whilst gratuitously leering over me, his friend then proclaimed I "wasn't all that" lol🤣. The irony being they were both short, balding and greasy with pot bellies and basically complete mingers who i wouldn't have touched with a barge pole. I was just pretending I didn't hear them, I then asked to speak to the manager and explained what had just happened and how I was sure she would agree that it was completely unacceptable behaviour especially as I've no doubt they were doing the same to much younger girls. She seemed shocked and hopefully they got a bollocking. Ultimately though I found it amusing as they were so obviously negging me and trying to get a reaction as they were ugly toads.

LadyKenya · 17/02/2023 13:42

By your own admission you say that you look crap most of the time. That is not going to make you feel so able to shake off that unfortunate incident. Do you want to improve how you look for yourself, and maybe your Husband? Nothing wrong with that. How you go about doing that is down to you.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 17/02/2023 13:43

Thighlengthboots · 17/02/2023 13:35

have you never heard the discussions groups of women have about men’s appearances? They are brutal. Don’t just blame men, women do this too

Nope. I work in a predominantly female environment, have lots of female friendship groups, was at college with all females and have never heard them rating men in such a base way so they could hear it. I've also never seen naked men on page three of a newspaper for years and years, or half naked men parading round at sporting events for "entertainment" or men being judged in Heat magazine with comments about how they've let themselves go or had too much plastic surgery or watched multiple hollywood films where its normalised for women who are in their 70s to be dating young hot men aged 20. Yet this happens all the time when it comes to women.....

Exactly. Where are all the men getting wolf-whistled at by groups of female builders, getting crudely and aggressively propositioned by random men hanging out of passing car windows, being deliberately made to feel uncomfortable by male co-workers being inappropriate in the work place?

Some women may, on occasion, discuss men and their looks. They may even rate them out of 10. I expect, if they do, they do so in private because I've never been subjected to it or witnessed it as a form of intimidation, which is what the OP experienced.

Redebs · 17/02/2023 13:44

MsFrog · 17/02/2023 10:50

Walked past some men last night who were rating women. I know they are dicks, I know it's disgusting behaviour, but it's made me feel completely shit. I mean, I was out with my kids for a pub tea, so I had put zero effort in. But I do look crap most of the time and I feel like my husband must be ashamed of me. Other mums manage to look nice, so having young kids is no excuse.

I'm not really used to doing hair/make up/ being stylish. Any easy tips to feel a bit better about myself?

No matter how polished you were looking, they would have said the same.
They just wanted to be spiteful.
They were hoping to fill a stranger with shame and self doubt. It's pathetic and abusive.
Men like that like to imagine that women are desperate to appease them. Sadly some are.