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Style and beauty

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Original poster

Being beautiful and ageing

185 replies

OldieMama · 29/04/2021 01:21

Interested to know your opinions on being considered beautiful in your youth and the ageing process. As a woman now in her late forties who has spent her whole life being celebrated for her beauty, and the pressures that brings, I feel a terrible burden to be perfect. Yes, I look a good decade younger than my years, but feel that the power of beauty is nearly at an end. I didn't think that I would feel the dwindling power of my youth so acutely. Indeed, I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks. This in itself, has been a challenge, as I know I have had advantages in my career because of my looks (superiors have told me so). Would love to know others experiences. How do you move into a life free from how you look? I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name 🤦

OP posts:

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 29/04/2021 01:26

I still feel like a fraud and I'm not beautiful at all. I think a lot of women do.
You do know you're going to get mainly 'is that you Samantha?' type replies now though don't you

JMAngel1 · 29/04/2021 03:40

You will still be beautiful - true beauty doesn't just disappear but rather mutates. You just need to change your frame of reference of how beauty is defined.

SarahBellam · 29/04/2021 06:06

You’re ascribing your beauty to youth - probably because that’s what the media pushes at us. We think beauty is air brushed teenagers. It’s not, of course; people of all ages look beautiful. I think the trick is not to try to look younger - people who do that don’t look younger - they just look their age but with weird lips and frozen foreheads - but to look the very best of you. Lose the idea that getting older is wrong or bad - there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting older.

Xztop · 29/04/2021 06:42

For me it's the opposite. I am not beautiful but I know I look good. I'm sure if its confidence or 'growing into my looks' but I look better now in my 40s than I did in my youth.
I also agree with a pp, beauty doesnt fade, just changes.
Also real beauty comes from within and has nothing to do with age

Floisme · 29/04/2021 06:47

How do you move into a life free from how you look?
Eh? Why the assumption I no longer care about how I look?

Amdone123 · 29/04/2021 06:51

I agree. Beauty comes from within. A cliche but true.
I've never been beautiful but when I was in my teens, early 20s, I was very athletic and had a body to die for. Now, early 50s, not so much, but it's still toned and athletic, and I'm fit and healthy.
I like what I see in the mirror, my OH thinks I'm beautiful, and my siblings say I always look lovely.
I'm confident, happy and this is me. I'm good to be around because I'm funny, positive and always praise others. I'm a giver, I suppose.

Girlintheframe · 29/04/2021 06:54

I think there is real beauty in aging.

That's not to say I find it easy. I'm the same age as you and definitely don't look a decade younger. This age has brought a whole loads of changes that I hadn't noticed before. Changes are now very visible and seem to be accelerating. I almost feel like I did as a teen in that I'm transitioning to looking different to what has been my norm.

What is it that you think your beauty gives you that your going to miss?

Aging whilst hard at times has brought me confidence and a better sense of knowing myself. Also I do feel it's a privilege many people don't get.

All of this is not to say I don't take care of myself but I'm hoping to age as gracefully as I can.

Interviewedundercaution · 29/04/2021 06:59

I find this a strange post, and a bit sad. I'm nearly 60 now. Noone is looking at me any more and I no longer have to give a fuck. It's liberating.

cheeseismydownfall · 29/04/2021 07:19

I think people are being deliberately obtuse here. It is simply a fact that some individuals are exceptionally beautiful, and that their beauty is likely to have been a very significant factor in how they have experienced life. It makes sense that they may therefore feel the changes that come with ageing more acutely than those who physical looks have never been particularly note worthy. Obviously a woman who has been very beautiful in her youth is likely to remain a very attractive older woman, but it is not the same as youth. So I get what you are saying, OP, although it isn't a problem I share with you .

All I can suggest is that you enjoy the liberation that comes with a bit more anonymity. I was more modestly attractive when I was young, and occasionally miss being able to 'turn heads', but overall I prefer my life now in my mid 40s and the freedom of not needing to live up to someone else's ideals. I don't know if that makes any sense. You've obviously done well to create a career and identify for yourself beyond your looks which is great and should hopefully ease the transition for you.

Greenshoots321 · 29/04/2021 07:23

I decided a long time ago that I am100 times better looking than I actually am. I did this so that i wouldn't ever worry about how I look if that makes sense? It does work. I figure I would rather worry about my soul and being good company because I can do something about those.

merrymelody · 29/04/2021 07:31

Being confident, good posture, keeping fit and well-groomed - all of these are important in aging "beautifully".

Charley50 · 29/04/2021 08:05

I have a very beautiful friend who gets extremely stressed about the visible effects of aging. However she continues to be beautiful and I think always will. She is edgy and stylish so not fading into the background in any way.

I've seen the mesmerising affect she had on both men and women when she was younger; maybe that is going now, but she's still a beauty. She has a lovely and funny personality too btw, she's not just about her looks!

ElspethFlashman · 29/04/2021 08:12

I've realised that as you get older, people are impressed by different things about your appearance.

In your 50s, people really praise you if you have glowy skin - you can fake that of course. All these products with "luminous" in the name.

People praise your eyes - again, you can fake that. For me, I will never ever use regular powder under my eyes. I started using illuminating magic powder about a year ago and I've noticed how many people tell me I look fresh as a daisy, even with a mask on. Its an optical illusion. They don't know I have dark circles.

People praise your hair if you just have your roots done and have a bit of volumising dry shampoo in it. It's like a magic trick.

Once you twig that people are hard wired to just notice the obvious things, it gets easier to play that game.

That's if you want to, which I do. I may not be the thinnest, or the prettiest, but I suspect people think I "keep myself up" quite well, and that's a nice feeling.

mintybobs · 29/04/2021 08:13

@Interviewedundercaution

I find this a strange post, and a bit sad. I'm nearly 60 now. Noone is looking at me any more and I no longer have to give a fuck. It's liberating.

Its strange because someone happens to feel differently to you?

I mean, good for you if you feel that way but the OP clearly doesnt feel the same and thats perfectly ok too. We are all different and we dont all think the same way shock horror.

I get it OP- when you've been always used to relying on your beauty, its quite shocking to suddenly feel like its slipping away. Its part of your identity/how you view yourself and its normal to feel sad when you feel this is changing. Its no different to women feeling sad they can no longer have children because they are moving towards menopause etc. Its about grieving the life stages you always took for granted would always be there and its hard.

One thing I always try to remember is how much more confidence I have now I'm older. I no longer yearn to look young, but I just want to look the best I can for my age.

BigFatLiar · 29/04/2021 08:42

Late forties isn't old these days. I think the problems you have are internal to you. You're being critical of yourself while many won't be. Age doesn't go away and younger prettier women will come along, its a fact of life. Surely your looks aren't all thats going on in your life.
I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks.
Sounds like you have achieved it, it's just self doubt now. Your colleagues will see the successful academic and accept her for who she is. Besides age brings a different sort of beauty.

I'm a bit older than you and age and children have taken their toll however my DH still thinks I'm beautiful. I think he still sees the 25 year old he married when he looks at me.

partyatthepalace · 29/04/2021 08:54

I don’t think you have to not care about your looks and you can still enjoy your beauty as you age, it will just be different.

But yep the youth and beauty combo has huge power over men, and women too. You will notice people not looking and connecting automatically as they did.

I think what you have to do is focus on your appreciation of the world, not the world’s appreciation of you. This can be powerful as it puts you in the driving seat. I think also you can do some thinking into why beauty is such a big part of your identity. I am a bit dubious about your senior colleagues comments that beauty has helped your career - I think that might be sour grapes on their part or a way to belittle you. It obviously helps in life to be good looking, but career wise I think you are giving it too much weight which isn’t good for your self esteem.

Make sure you appreciate your looks and presence as you get older. No reason middle aged and older women have to be invisible if they own their space.

partyatthepalace · 29/04/2021 08:56

@ElspethFlashman

Please can you reveal you magic illuminating eye powder?! (And any other handy products) - thanking you.

Interviewedundercaution · 29/04/2021 08:59

Mintybob I'm simply stating an alternative viewpoint/my own experience. OP said she was interested to know our opinions. So I gave mine.

KateWinsome · 29/04/2021 08:59

I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name

Ha ha ha

RampantIvy · 29/04/2021 09:00

I wish I had this problem

At least, never having been a beauty I don't worry about ageing. I'm 62 and look after myself - eat well, exercise and watch my weight. I read about some of the many potions and lotions that so many posters use on their face on the style and beauty threads and am thankful that I have good skin that isn't high maintenance. Soap and water and a good serum and moisturiser and I'm done.

goose1964 · 29/04/2021 09:37

I'm nearly 60 but photos show that I'm pretty still.I spent most of my as it life thinking I was ugly because I dwelt on a comment from an ex where he said I had ugly friends to make me look even prettier, I left out the even . A friend has been posting old photos and even ones from a couple of years at make me feel good. You can always tell someone beautiful whether they're going or old ,fat or thin.

SmashingPumpkinPatch · 29/04/2021 09:56

I truly believe this is a real problem! Not a problem I ever had, as I have never been particularly good looking. Passable I think, but never gorgeous. Certainly not as a teenager, when I was hugely overweight with a bad haircut and dressed much older than my age.

Aaaanyway, I've written about this before, but my late mom was a raving beauty. The most beautiful girl in her home town sort of thing. She struggled a lot, as her whole identity was wrapped up in being a beauty. So, when she was middle aged and still looked beautiful to me, but a bit podgier and no longer a head turner, she really did struggle with it.

It wasn't a happy ending I'm afraid, as she developed a drinking problem, which started with a very low carb diet, as she wanted to be thin. She discovered that vodka and diet coke was low carb (yes, I know it doesn't work on a low carb diet, but she didn't know that at the time), and drank it quite a bit. She discovered to her delight that if she was a bit pissed most of the time she didn't want to eat and she did lose A LOT of weight initially. But then she puffed up with all the booze which she was then very addicted to. She looked ancient and bloated. She went into hospital once and was fed with a drip and couldn't drink alcohol while she was there, obviously. She honestly looked about 20 years younger when she came out.

Anyway, she kept on drinking and eventually quit with AA, but it was too late and she died about a month later. She was in her fifties.

Anyway, since then I've steered clear of regular drinking. I basically don't drink at all. I also steer clear of obsessive dieting and obsessing about looks. These things were what ended her life too early from where I'm standing.

The worst thing is that she was a wonderful, intelligent woman, with so much more to offer than her looks. But she thought that as soon as she didn't look the absolute best, her life wasn't worth protecting.

Don't be like her!

C8H10N4O2 · 29/04/2021 10:12

The answer obviously is to stay stunningly beautiful. Well its working for me.
luv
Cleopatra

Amdone123 · 29/04/2021 10:17

@SmashingPumpkinPatch, that's so sad. She died so young. All what you say is true. It's just a shame we are conditioned from an early age to think looks are important. They're not. My granddaughter is beautiful, but I make a point of highlighting her qualities and skills. The things that make her a whole person.

Amdone123 · 29/04/2021 10:18

@C8H10N4O2 lol

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