Being beautiful and ageing

[OldieMama]

Interested to know your opinions on being considered beautiful in your youth and the ageing process. As a woman now in her late forties who has spent her whole life being celebrated for her beauty, and the pressures that brings, I feel a terrible burden to be perfect. Yes, I look a good decade younger than my years, but feel that the power of beauty is nearly at an end. I didn't think that I would feel the dwindling power of my youth so acutely. Indeed, I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks. This in itself, has been a challenge, as I know I have had advantages in my career because of my looks (superiors have told me so). Would love to know others experiences. How do you move into a life free from how you look? I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name 🤦

I think it is important to make the distinction between being beautiful and being young. Yes, some young people are beautiful, but also some old people are beautiful. This lady (Hannah Hauxwell) was beautiful. Sophie Wessex is more attractive now than in her younger days but she's clearly older. Apologies if I can't post the picture!

Youth and beauty will always be intertwined but I agree that some people come into their looks later in life. Julianne Moore looks so much more stunning as a 50-something than she did as a 30-something. I'm sure she's had a dabble with botox (although nothing too drastic) but it's more her whole vibe seems more alluring.

And even someone like Lorraine Kelly, she looks a lot better nowadays than she did in the 90s when she was seemingly always dressed in tartan power suits and had a very set hairdo.

And yes, Sophie Wessex is another good example.

@5128gap many thanks for the info about the Facetite!

I have two stunning older ladies in my life.

My aunt, in her 80's, is a classic Celtic beauty; radiant ivory skin, fantastic bone structure, so feminine and delicate looking and... oh, she's stunning. Sure, she's got laughter lines around her sparkling eyes, but rather than mar her beauty, the lines add even more depth to her face I hope I age like her. Even just a bit. She does nothing to her face soap and water and maybe a bit of Nivea in the winter. She's not a very 'nice' old lady; she's an acerbic 'activist' type who smokes too many fags and swears like a sailor, so it's not so much how she carries herself or how she comes across: she's just stunning. She was beautiful as a younger woman, but she came from a family of beauties, so she never thought she was anything special. If anything, becoming older has merely ripened her looks, and she is, to me at least, heart-achingly attractive. She kept her long hair, now faded from the fiery ginger to a muted auburn with grey and I adore her face. If I was an artist, I'd paint her. She would be my muse, and I would feed her pomegranates and passion fruits and paint her in the nude... (ahem).

And, my other stunner is a friend who was once a model. Same deal; luminous freckled skin, amazing bone structure but, alas, she is not happy to be in her fifties. She feels unattractive and invisible and she's spending a small fortune trying to hold back time. Botox, fillers, expensive lotions and potions, but none of it makes a difference and every fresh wrinkle is like a slash to her soul. I think, in her head, she's still twenty-five and it's a shock every time she looks in the mirror. She's worried her old man will upgrade to a newer model, she's drinking too much and she's becoming mean and catty towards other women, especially younger women, and that's probably the most unattractive thing about her. She just can't see that in the mirror.

The difference between the two women is that, while for one, her beauty was an incidental thing and not something she relied on, for the other, her whole life was about how she looked, the men she could attract, and now her perceivable 'value' has diminished she hasn't yet come to terms with that. I don't know if she will.

We can all be beautiful people, and beautiful at any age: loyal friends, helpful colleagues, inspiring activists, amazing artists, loving mothers, steadfast sisters, and inspirational mentors: there's so many awesome human beings who we carry in our hearts and minds, and very few of them earn their places with just their faces.

@OldieMama

Interested to know your opinions on being considered beautiful in your youth and the ageing process. As a woman now in her late forties who has spent her whole life being celebrated for her beauty, and the pressures that brings, I feel a terrible burden to be perfect. Yes, I look a good decade younger than my years, but feel that the power of beauty is nearly at an end. I didn't think that I would feel the dwindling power of my youth so acutely. Indeed, I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks. This in itself, has been a challenge, as I know I have had advantages in my career because of my looks (superiors have told me so). Would love to know others experiences. How do you move into a life free from how you look? I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name 🤦

It's hard. It shocked me more than I expected or wanted it to. I used to be in a profession that relied on looks. I knew but didn't appreciate how much my life had revolved around my looks. Friendships with both sexes were easier - people like hanging out attractive, glamorous humans. People listen more if you are good looking. It was humbling to discover they weren't listening to my ideas but just indulging the looks.That steep drop of no longer being seen or heard is disconcerting. You do suddenly become invisible and then go through a clunky period of being that middle-aged woman who gets strident just to be noticed.

For me, the biggest positive shift has been becoming really devoted to exercise. It's a shift in emphasis away from looks and into health. If you feel strong and energised, that's a far better way forward into middle and old age than trying to cling on to fading looks. And it brings its own positive connection with others. This may sound shallow but I've noticed that I am less invisible again. It's probably just that I'm standing taller, feeling more confident. There are plenty of older women in the public eye who have a striking energy - look to them for inspiration.

I watched the film Greta on Netflix the other day. Both actresses are beautiful, but I found Isabella Huppert mesmerising in comparison to her younger counterpart who is 44 years her junior.
I’m also watching Shadow and Bones, Zoe Wannamaker has never looked more beautiful. And again I found her more mesmerising that all the young actresses.

I feel the same way about men. I don’t find younger men attractive. I think men and women get something extra as they age, a beauty because they have lived maybe. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older too, but I’m glad I feel this way.

Zoe Wanamaker certainly wouldn't be considered as being conventionally beautiful, neither when she was young or now!

Thanks again for all of your interesting comments. It is true that you can be beautiful whatever your age. My grandmother, mother and aunties certainly were. Alas, my own mum was not fortunate to live beyond middle age, but remained beautiful (inside and out) to the end of her life. And my most abiding memory was of her sweet and kind inner beauty. I agree with pp who advocated the role of exercise in feeling fit and healthy. I am sure that this is the most positive way forward. However, the memory of my grandmother still makes me smile (an avid walker and smoker and wine and whiskey lover 🤦) even in her early nineties she wouldn't leave the house without her high heels and lipstick. Even well into old age she was considered a beauty (and more importantly a vivacious and fun loving soul). I think the main takeaway from all of this, is to distinguish between the loss of youth, and all that that entails, rather than the focus on ageing. Ageing, can indeed, have some positive factors. Keep well everyone. And may we all age with grace and dignity 🤞🤞😁

Jane Goodall is 87 now and she really is beautiful. Anne Hegerty is too - she has a wonderful twinkle in her eyes. Then there's DH's 'secret' crush, Ruth Goodman. Lovely hair and always looks so happy.

She often says that being beautiful is both a blessing and a curse. Perhaps she's right

Bloody hell. You have no idea how much of a curse being ugly is. People don't even know you exist. Imagine your whole life of that, and being laughed at mocked, ignored, people looking right through you..just because you are not physically beautiful, regardless of who you are as a person.

This clip of Dustin Hoffman is very humbling. Maybe watch it and consider how lucky you have been.

www.themarysue.com/dustin-hoffman-tootsie/?fbclid=IwAR1pfiOr2C1fqgEL_ZymtAyuin2FC86HdemPSCtmFKFT1le5Vnd7wyAGcIs

Thanks for posting the Dustin Hoffman clip.
"There have been too many interesting women I have not had the experience to know because I have been brainwashed"

I just quite like the way I look, as me, and I think I mostly look better without makeup (and have thought so since I was 27, so don't wear much) and I am now 64. I get my hair cut properly, have my eyebrows and toes fixed because I can't do them myself as my sight deteriorates, stay fit-ish, and my personal hygiene is okay. Not a raving beauty and I hate my wrinkling chin but I have better ways to spend money than on aesthetic interventions. I enjoy clothes, so spend the money on lovely garments to wear every day.

What a frivolous post. How do we know the op is beautiful? What is beautiful? My mum always told me how pretty I was, loved telling my Dh lol I'm ok, just ordinary. we are all lovely to those that love us

Dismiss it as frivolous all you like. It's a style and beauty thread. And vanishingly rare on such threads, it invites contributions from young and old.

S&B is actually one of the most inclusive and least judgy threads you will find on the whole of the Internet. Generally people try to help, very genuinely.

OP, I want to say a few things, as a fellow academic and a beauty :)

1.Many things help career. Beauty does, but also height, and - in our racist society - skin colour too. It's good to feel modest and recognise how many people didn't achieve what you did but perhaps had gifts that the world would never know about. Just thinking how many brilliant thinkers were killed in various wars and other events of the 20th century. Life is like that, totally unfair.

2.Many women feel a fraud. I sometimes do, and I am now professor. You need to fight the fraud feeling, it is based on our gender related training. You would probably know that there is specific training for women on how to apply for promotion, because women don't put themselves forward for promotion

3.I recently was at an event where there were 4 or 5 old women academics. Really old, in their 70s and 80s and they didn't look well. And I kept thinking, oh shit, they are so ugly. And then I started thinking, why am I thinking that they are ugly? And then I realised I NEVER saw 4-5 old distinguished women in public together. We are used to seeing old men in public life all the time and we are used to how they look, and they look normal to us. However, we just don't see old women in public life in such quantities, and so we are not used to seeing how ageing and old women look!

4.finally, I feel for you. My beauty has always made people fearful of me (along with my bad character I am sure :D) but I have a friend whose beauty is of a kind that rude men would whistle in the street to: natural blonde, long hair, blue eyed, etc. She is suffering from ageing now. I remember seeing men in her company losing the capacity to speak. It was quite funny. She was used to it, it made her life difficult sometimes. She is trying to adapt. We just need to think we are living through a few different lives consequently. And now you are entering a new life - which can potentially be as long as all the time you lived before now. So its a really long time, you can be a different person now.

You may be from a culture that's not western European and that values beauty over intellect @istherelifeover40 but it's hard to imagine the quality of your intellectual output based on your post.

I get you Op. It's hard.

Poor you.

Why are some people such dicks when someone who's candid enough to say 'I was beautiful and now I'm a bit unsure of myself now that I'm less beautiful'? tries to start a conversation?

It really gets some peoples backs up, as though the most offensive thing you can do is say 'yes, I'm physically attractive. A lot of people are attracted to me'.

Bizarre.

Looks are a fluke. That's all. Stop being so dreary and bitter about it.

Ok, I won a national beauty contest in my teenage years (I'd never apply myself - I got approached on the street by a scout!) and have been continuously approached by modelling scouts until I was exactly 32 yo. Worked for several modelling agencies.

I'm 34 now, I don't look like I did when I was 18. On my 32nd bday I looked at my bday photos and felt sad because I could see my looks are just not the same.
But now I really don't mind. I've a nice life and good friends and I'm healthy. My mum made sure I studied hard and got a good degree. I've a nice career and am not defined by my looks, honestly.

People like me now because I'm genuine, kind, and can hold a conversation. Focus on things you're good at that are not related to your looks. Dress well, stay fit, and you'll look and feel good.

Again, thank you so much for all of your responses. As I have previously stated: I am so surprised that I feel like this. I am a feminist, and always argued against the superficial exterior of our being. However, it isn't all consuming. But in those quiet moments, yes, I do think about my waning beauty... insofar as it is tied in with my fading youth...and identity. But I will transition to something new. I have enough positive things in my life for this. But I am amazed at how much comment this post has generated. This suggests that this is a topic worthy of more debate. Just to try to give some context. My whole life I have been told how beautiful I am (seriously, I am not trying to be boastful...far from it...as I always thought of myself far from worthy of such praise...low esteem issues all of my life... mainly that I would be nothing more than being good looking). On a daily basis I would have men and women praising my beauty (omg I know it sounds so bloody vain). My poor husband has suffered from restaurant waiters (we had to stop going to said restaurants) to his bosses (again blessing and a curse) fauning over his wife. As well as my bosses. There was always too much expectation for me to "use my looks". Everyone I knew encouraged me to capitalise on my looks. This is what compelled me to prove that I had more than just my looks, and to prove (to me at least) that I had a brain. But being beautiful is a powerful asset. Yes, poor me. But seriously, how do you move beyond being known as beautiful? I know I have so much more to offer (would be in no doubt if I were a man). On that subject, how are we more forgiving of male confidence than we are of female confidence? Yes, I think this is a gender issue 🤷

It is a strange one. I don’t know but at age 50 I am most worried that I haven’t contributed what I wanted to the world. I feel like I’ve more to give and not enough time to do it. I am lucky to have two lovely kids and in the past had a fulfilling and ‘worthy’ career.

I was very attractive, apparently. I do kick myself as I was not confident and did not make the most of my looks when I had them! What fun I should have had!

Now I’ve grown in confidence, but my overwhelming urge is to have more of an impact. To do something important I guess with my skills. I am sad that I am not as attractive. Mainly because the two major relationships I’ve had were with men who didn’t treat me well (and the last one cheated so my looks did not keep him by my side!) and are definitely with younger more attractive women.

So that does suck as karma should mean they should look at me and regret - but they look at me in comparison to their more attractive new girlfriends/affair partners! Damn that.

However, again I don’t know if I’ve the luxury of time to rue my looks. I’ve got hopefully 30-40 more years and let’s face it, I’m only going to get older and ‘uglier’. So I’d better get used to it. Perhaps because of my lack of confidence I’ve never traded in my looks, didn’t take care of them. And so it’s easier perhaps.

Still going to get out and get that magic eye cream though!