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Being beautiful and ageing

185 replies

OldieMama · 29/04/2021 01:21

Interested to know your opinions on being considered beautiful in your youth and the ageing process. As a woman now in her late forties who has spent her whole life being celebrated for her beauty, and the pressures that brings, I feel a terrible burden to be perfect. Yes, I look a good decade younger than my years, but feel that the power of beauty is nearly at an end. I didn't think that I would feel the dwindling power of my youth so acutely. Indeed, I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks. This in itself, has been a challenge, as I know I have had advantages in my career because of my looks (superiors have told me so). Would love to know others experiences. How do you move into a life free from how you look? I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name 🤦

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 29/04/2021 19:56

Beauty doesn’t fade with age, it changes maybe but it doesn’t go anywhere.

By late 40’s I would think that you would have recognised that you don’t need looks to succeed. It’s all just sparkle.

gottakeeponmovin · 29/04/2021 20:07

I totally get this. You can have other valued things in life but when you once had beauty as an asset and the asset is fading fast it's hard. It's probably hard for people to understand how valuable an asset it was if they've never had it

ShoppingPrecinctPrincess · 29/04/2021 20:08

I think it's interesting how prickly some people can get when a woman baldly states the fact 'I was very beautiful when I was young'. Being beautiful is just an accident of birth and don't see why it's considered so stuck up to say so. It's like saying 'I used to be a really fast runner but now I'm middle aged I'm slowing down a bit'. Just a thing that you marked you out from other people, not the only thing about you.

I've never been a great beauty, although pretty enough in an ordinary way, so it's not something I can really give any insight into. But if you're used to turning heads when you walk into a room, used to getting served immediately at a busy bar, used to having loads of romantic admirers, I can see why it seeing it slip away would take a bit of adjusting to.

Having said that you're only in your 40s, so think what your future 60-something self might say to you!

Franklyfrost · 29/04/2021 20:09

I remind myself of the alternative to ageing and then it doesn’t feel so bad.

Worldgonecrazy · 29/04/2021 20:15

@Franklyfrost

I remind myself of the alternative to ageing and then it doesn’t feel so bad.
That is so very very true.

As another ageing ‘considered beautiful’ it is hard, but as I move through my fifties I’m looking to women such as Joanna Lumley and Honor Blackman as inspiration.

It’s also fun to remember and reminisce sometimes.

Chickenandwaffles · 29/04/2021 20:23

I wouldn’t describe myself as beautiful, but I’ve always been very pretty. I’ve always been completely happy with my looks. I’m 40, but often get told that I don’t yet look 30. Big eyes, full lips, baby face, straight teeth, long dark thick hair, green eyes. I too know that my appearance has made life that much easier. I’ve never once been to an interview and come out without the job. My husband, who I’ve been with since my teen years, has never strayed and is generally like a puppy dog with me. People are generally nice to me.

But I know that one day all this is going to change and that day creeps closer and closer. Sometimes I worry about it and I’ve started to feel anxiety about ageing, to the point I feel my chest tighten and my breathing become difficult.

I worry that the only way will be to have fillers and Botox. Right now I am more natural, so this is a daunting and expensive sounding future. But I can’t bare the idea of someone seeing me five years down the line and thinking ‘wow, she looks rough/ different/ aged etc’ it is so much pressure.

I’m still grateful for my genetics, but I wish I could stay this way forever and not change. I’m sure others will think this utterly pathetic and it is.

Wytnc2018 · 29/04/2021 20:23

As a fellow female academic one of the reasons (there were others ;-) ) why I picked it as a career is that you could have longevity both as a human and as a woman. previously I had worked in a couple of other industries whereas an attractive 20s-year-old woman I could only see other women up to the age of 30/35. Women just vanished attractive or otherwise. As an academic, I feel like you still get taken seriously even if you are no longer young. I am now in my 40s and yes, it's obviously not the same and I get daily reminders that I no longer look like or relate in the same way to the kids in the early 20s. But I've grown to accept and enjoy it now - am like their older matron whereas before I used to be a peer or a cool older sister. Plus - you can always find an older professor at a conference or two who will find even a woman in her 40s/50s attractive on account of them being in their 60s/70s. I joke but honestly I academia is a great place for a middle aged woman- at least you still get taken seriously unlike in other fields

SmashingPumpkinPatch · 29/04/2021 20:42

Not pathetic at all @Chickenandwaffles! I totally get it, even though that hasn't been my experience at all. Go easy on the botox though! It can easily drift into weird looking.

Mydogmylife · 29/04/2021 20:43

Is this one of those ' humble brags" op??

Anon778833 · 29/04/2021 22:16

My husband, who I’ve been with since my teen years, has never strayed and is generally like a puppy dog with me.

It’s a bit strange to assume that men stay faithful if their wife is beautiful. What about Cheryl Tweedy and Halle Berry for example?

Miseryisabutterfly · 29/04/2021 22:33

I don’t think it’s strange @SugarbabyMilly. My husband is always telling me he sees me exactly as the person I was when we met 20 years ago. He obviously fancied and fell in love with that person. I got the impression that’s what the pp was saying about her relationship?

ShoppingPrecinctPrincess · 29/04/2021 23:11

But the subject is beauty and she was saying that because she's beautiful her partner was still infatuated with her. Which is lovely, but as a pp said beautiful women get cheated on all the time. Looks are no guarantee your partner will be faithful.

Mydogmylife · 29/04/2021 23:32

@Chickenandwaffles

I wouldn’t describe myself as beautiful, but I’ve always been very pretty. I’ve always been completely happy with my looks. I’m 40, but often get told that I don’t yet look 30. Big eyes, full lips, baby face, straight teeth, long dark thick hair, green eyes. I too know that my appearance has made life that much easier. I’ve never once been to an interview and come out without the job. My husband, who I’ve been with since my teen years, has never strayed and is generally like a puppy dog with me. People are generally nice to me.

But I know that one day all this is going to change and that day creeps closer and closer. Sometimes I worry about it and I’ve started to feel anxiety about ageing, to the point I feel my chest tighten and my breathing become difficult.

I worry that the only way will be to have fillers and Botox. Right now I am more natural, so this is a daunting and expensive sounding future. But I can’t bare the idea of someone seeing me five years down the line and thinking ‘wow, she looks rough/ different/ aged etc’ it is so much pressure.

I’m still grateful for my genetics, but I wish I could stay this way forever and not change. I’m sure others will think this utterly pathetic and it is.

Certainly don't think it's pathetic, I'm just sorry that you relied so much on your looks that you appear to have very little confidence in yourself as a person rather than on the outer shell
Ohee · 29/04/2021 23:41

@5128gap Keen to know how you fixed your jowls and what you did to achieve other improvements. I’ve also managed to improve my jowls - with face exercises. But would love to know what you did! 😀

Anordinarymum · 29/04/2021 23:48

When I was younger I was very good looking. Not pretty or beautiful, but attractive. I'm not any more but when I have to I scrub up OK.

Four years ago I suffered a great loss when someone close to me died and my life changed and I aged quickly , so I look at me now and see what life did and think that the grief shows in my face which is entirely right. However, I make the best of what I have and know I survived a great blow and am still here.

Looks are not everything but sometimes when you look in the mirror and see that tired face looking back at you, you feel tired and sad. You have to make the best of what you are and what you have and grab the day and live it :)

Chickenandwaffles · 30/04/2021 00:36

Certainly don't think it's pathetic, I'm just sorry that you relied so much on your looks that you appear to have very little confidence in yourself as a person rather than on the outer shell

Thanks. From the age of about 8, my mother began measuring my waist and giving me low fat yoghurt for tea. In my teens, my waist expanded to 26” and my mother was disgusted. I was expected to make an effort and wear makeup from about 14/15.
When I got my GCSEs no one cared and when I failed my A levels no one cared. There was only ever one thing that mattered. When people said I looked pretty, mum was proud of me. When that’s gone, there is nothing else going for me in truth.

And for the pp who said about pretty people get cheated on too, I do appreciate that. My husband tells me every day that I’m gorgeous. It clearly matters to him to mention it. But what happens when I’m not anymore? I feel like my looks have indeed kept him interested, but will he change when I change? Possibly and again, I’ll have nothing.

merrymelody · 30/04/2021 00:51

@KateWinsome I absolutely agree with you.

Rereading the OP, I call bullshit. Either a stealth boast or a creature who lives under a bridge.

unwuthering · 30/04/2021 00:51

Some very spiteful replies. Sucks to be plain, lacking in achievements, and envious by nature, I guess.

The OP wrote: I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name because she has been specifically told her looks played a part in her career advancement. So it is reasonable to wonder/worry, who am I without my looks??

I am older than you, OP, and I have found I have grown more beautiful with age, surprisingly! I suppose it depends on the type of beauty one is talking about. A very pretty blonde with nondescript bone structure usually will wilt in her 40s and 50s. Other types flourish.

Anordinarymum · 30/04/2021 00:54

@unwuthering

Some very spiteful replies. Sucks to be plain, lacking in achievements, and envious by nature, I guess.

The OP wrote: I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name because she has been specifically told her looks played a part in her career advancement. So it is reasonable to wonder/worry, who am I without my looks??

I am older than you, OP, and I have found I have grown more beautiful with age, surprisingly! I suppose it depends on the type of beauty one is talking about. A very pretty blonde with nondescript bone structure usually will wilt in her 40s and 50s. Other types flourish.

I think good bone structure is key. A good diet and plenty of sleep keeps your skin and eyes in good nick, and also your outlook on life is important.
DustyMaiden · 30/04/2021 01:09

It’s amazingly freeing being able to be invisible.

Time40 · 30/04/2021 02:00

Beauty comes from within. A cliche but true

Bollocks!

Beauty doesn’t fade with age, it changes maybe but it doesn’t go anywhere

Some does, some doesn't. Most fades.

RosyRedRoses · 30/04/2021 06:51

I personally feel better looking than I actually am, because of this, I've had numerous women feel the need to give me a 'reality check.' Why? All they've done done is used their perception to put me in my place and their contribution has made me feel bad. What difference does it make to them if I overestimate my attractiveness? Men certainly do and other men don't seem to feel the need to pull them down in that way, men compete with each other in a broader way.

Maybe as women, if we feel the need to compete and judge one another (I'm not saying we should but our socialisation seems to encourage this) then we should compete in healthier ways for us all, rather than a zero sum game, whereby my attractiveness (or perceived attractiveness) negatively impacts on yours, it doesn't! But a desire to keep me down does negatively effect me.

Anon778833 · 30/04/2021 07:10

@Chickenandwaffles

Measuring your waist?? Your mother sounds like she’s singlehandedly responsible for your worries and insecurities about getting older because she has told you repeatedly from a young age that your looks define you and nothing else. That’s on her. I hope you can discern this.

SmashingPumpkinPatch · 30/04/2021 07:27

@Chickenandwaffles, that is so sad and I'm very sorry you were raised that way.

If it helps, tbh, I don't think other people care as much about looks as your mum. I am sure, if you're in a loving relationship, your DH would tell you you were gorgeous even if you weren't especially! Mine does and I ain't! Honestly, think about the people you love; do you only love them because they're pretty? Would you want them out if your life if they weren't pretty enough? I'm sure the answer is no!

TracyHorrobin · 30/04/2021 07:35

You will have to find a way of letting your inner beauty now shine through.

Ahem..