Being beautiful and ageing

[OldieMama]

Interested to know your opinions on being considered beautiful in your youth and the ageing process. As a woman now in her late forties who has spent her whole life being celebrated for her beauty, and the pressures that brings, I feel a terrible burden to be perfect. Yes, I look a good decade younger than my years, but feel that the power of beauty is nearly at an end. I didn't think that I would feel the dwindling power of my youth so acutely. Indeed, I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks. This in itself, has been a challenge, as I know I have had advantages in my career because of my looks (superiors have told me so). Would love to know others experiences. How do you move into a life free from how you look? I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name 🤦

Beauty doesn’t fade with age, it changes maybe but it doesn’t go anywhere

That's why those botox treatments and fillers never took off............

@Chickenandwaffles my mother was very similar to yours. She is nearly 91, good bone structure, slim and dresses well. More importantly (to me) she lives alone, is independent in every way and reasonably content. None of that matters to her as much as her looks and what she's wearing. My sister and I always say that her lifelong catchphrase is "appearances are everything". She still laps up compliments - I think it keeps her going in some way - she's definitely still very vain. This is absolutely fine but heaven forbid that I should gain a couple of pounds - it would be remarked upon immediately.

Gone are the days when you gave up at 39 had your hair cut in a basin perm, no makeup and wore elasticated flowery skirts with sensible shoes and grew your moustache and beard.

People had basin perms because that was fashionable in their youth eg the queen. No make up well it was considered a bit forward and tarty in the past. The clothes were fashionable for your age and no high streets full of hairdressers and beauticians.

No doubt there will be a lot of 80 year olds with long tumbling curls when people with this fashion age.

I hate how it is assumed we are so 'right on' now and the past was to be laughed at.
Couldn't be further from the truth - the average person is fatter and dressed in black sportsgear. I think go back 50 years and people all round looked better dressed, healthier.

Some very spiteful replies. Sucks to be plain, lacking in achievements, and envious by nature, I guess.

Miaaaaooowwwww 🐈
Or they just don’t believe all they read (who could blame them on here).

At least you've experienced it, OP. I'm extremely ugly and have been all my life, although middle-age has brought with it the blessing of invisibility so at least I no longer get insulted by random strangers.

I'd love to experience just for one day what it's like to be beautiful or even pretty.

Be grateful for what you've had and stop complaining.

Are you Dr McKinnon/Veronica Ivy?

Being beautiful seems to make life easier but doesn't seem to make it happier particularly.

More seriously, I found this post so sad.

A person with a PhD demonstrating such shallow, non-nuanced thought processes - have you not learned anything from your work/study that goes beyond skin deep?

I remember when writing my thesis the shared obsession on 'the bigger picture': what does our work mean in broader term fro the discipline?

I believe that applies to our lives too - what do we contribute to human life as individuals, as colleagues, educators, partners, friends, parents.

Yes, beauty makes it easier, but FFS it is one piece of a much larger puzzle.

I have a similar but different problem. I have always been very cute - little nose, big eyes, attractive kind of rose bud mouth - all round cute. Men have always found me adorable (although they don’t know about the decades of eating disorders). However, cute ages badly. I actually have pretty good skin for my age and, perhaps because I’m w little plump, I look younger than I am, but the overall aesthetic looks strange - like an adolescent with an old face? My oh actually prefers older women - he likes Christie Brinkley and her ilk - so it’s not an issue with him - but it’s very strange gong from conventional fresh-faced pretty girl to something other than that.

Ageing is a privilege not afforded to everyone. Maybe celebrate that instead of your beauty.
In any case I think everyone is beautiful on the outside no matter what their age, people are only ever ugly from the inside out.

@5128gap

I'm 52 and look the best I have ever done, and I've had some pretty attractive phases over the years. I'm one of those people who can look anything from invisible to very attractive dependent on what I do to myself. My age has had zero bearing on this over the years, it's all been about body shape, hair and clothes. My face is reasonably pretty, but nothing spectacular so I suppose I never had actual real beauty to celebrate or lose. Though I am conscious of aspects of my face that start to deteriorate, and I do take action to address them. I thought jowls made me less attractive for example, so have fixed them! My current attractive phase is due to lots of time on my hands this past year to diet, exercise and faff about 'improving' myself and I have been pleasantly surprised by the results and do feel pretty good. Though if I had been stunningly beautiful when younger, obviously nothing I do now would take me back to that level, and I can see that would be difficult to accept.

How did you get your jowls fixed please? I’m 42 and have just developed them over the past year (thanks mum 😒)

If I could sort those out I think I’d be ok!

Not coming back OP?

It's actually rather freeing being invisible.

You become ninja-like.

As for losing your youth and beauty, well I think youth fades but beauty remains. There are many, many older women who are still beautiful.

Monica Bellucci
Christie Brinkley
Patti Hansen

They're just 'not young.'

Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett, almost 140 years collectively and both look fantastic.

@Arbadacarba: I am so sorry you feel like that! - it is a strange old world we live in. As women we cannot win: we get shouted at for being too ugly, for being too beautiful, for not having enough boobs, for having too big boobs, etc.

I tell you a (small) bit of my body-odyssey story.

I have a Kardashian arse. I have a tiny waist and a big bottom. Well, not even that big, but in comparison with the tiny waits it does look big.

That bugger has been the bane of my life. (or at least one of them).

Always commented on. Mostly negatively. Sometimes leered upon.I had an idiot boyfriend who took pictures of we walking from behind- this was when you had to have a camera and send pictures to be developed so imagine my shame as a young 21 year old when confronted with a 'butt in bikini' full reportage of 20-some pictures.

At 25 I starved myself to get my bottom to be smaller. I became a stick with an arse. The arse doesn't go.

Finally I made peace with it. There are more important things and all that. Differently from the oP for me having an intellectual life was a liberation from the constraints of beauty. Of course I want to look clean and presentable, but, hey, the 'outside' is just the outside, right?

Now a bottom like mine it's all the fucking rage and apparently my body shape is 'the woman of the moment'. Go figure.

I believe every woman has a story like this. If it's not the backside is the nose. The lips. The eyes. Somehow wrong. Too much, too little.

Never having being beautiful I can’t help but I can tell you that you really need to find a way to get through it before it makes you bitter.
My mum is a very intelligent and capable woman but due to circumstances the only thing she could actually rely on were her looks and as those faded she became increasingly bitter and nasty about other women. She is 80 now and while despite health issues she still looks pretty good for her age but she can’t help trying to bring down anyone who she thinks is beautiful. She sometimes tried digging at my DD but DH and I don’t stand for it and she regularly calls my lovely niece fat (not to her face but still). She really can’t stand other beautiful women and girls. Please don’t become like that.

For those asking about jowl fixing, I have:
Lost two stone and the fat in my lower face that was adding to the problem went.
Two years ago had a PDO thread lift which worked well, with best results lasting about 8 months.
And, the real game changer, have been using an RF skin tightening machine for the last ten weeks, and it's the best thing I've done. My jaw line is tighter than it's been in 15 years.

Thanks @5128gap for sharing and well done on the weight loss. Can I ask the name of the RF machine? Thanks!

I was pretty when I was young. Now I’m fat because my life is incredibly unhappy and I treat myself with food because I have no other pleasures available to me any more. I have bad skin and teeth because I don’t have the money to pay for the creams and dental work you need as you get older. My body was damaged by childbirth and breastfeeding so I’m misshapen and disfigured. I look back at pictures of myself 10-12 years ago and I remember that girl but I don’t know where she went. I miss her. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. Life has just taken more from me than I wanted to give. No advice except to say I know what it feels like to disappear. Every day I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.

Ah here. Calling bullshit.

Not coming back OP??

@Ohee

Thanks *@5128gap* for sharing and well done on the weight loss. Can I ask the name of the RF machine? Thanks!

I used the silk n tite face tite it was £75 on an Amazon deal, but has gone up in price now I think. Have just got a Mlay one as well, as you can do your body with that (loose skin is the trade off for weight loss!) You can do your face with the Mlay too.

@Ariannah, i hear you! Please do not think it's over. Food is a pleasure at the moment but overeating is a form of self harm. I am not saying this form a high horse but I am recognising myself as slipping back into that.

Health and fitness is not something for others but for yourself. It is really difficult to ask for help and make positive choices. I am struggling like mad too at the moment but I am making a huge effort to get out of the house, keep moving because I know after I always feel better.

You are not alone in this struggle

Think about your friends, loved ones and colleagues. Think about those whose company you really enjoy. Think about those you admire and try to learn from. Think about those who you care about deeply. Does any of that depend on what they physically look like? What does physical beauty actually bring you? More choice of sexual partners probably, but I'm guessing that isn't the priority right now.

I genuine think that many older people are just as beautiful as when they were younger. Sometimes more so. Equating beauty with youth is just as narrow as equating it with a particular gender, race, height etc. Again, different from sex appeal, which we are biologically driven to associate with a certain age range. But even if you can't personally escape the link between the youth and beauty, go back to my first paragraph and ask yourself what it matters, really.

I'm 50 this year. I do fear aging, slowing down physically and mentally. At some point it is going to be hard to deal with. But losing beauty not so much. In fact, I'm genuinely surprised by how bloody good 50 looks, given how little effort I've ever put into it. But then I was never more than decent looking to start of with, which may help.

I quite like this blog thatsnotmyage.com/ Lots of diverse, beautiful, interesting, grown up women to inspire you.

Thank you so much for all your posts, especially to those who offered some constructive advice or criticism.

Just to clarify, I have a very happy life with my husband and children. They are the centre of my universe. My extended family and friends are also greatly cherished.

I do feel incredibly fortunate to also have a career that I love. Of course, in my logical moments I know full well that beauty didn't write my PhD thesis, or my publications that are blind peer reviewed. BUT it has opened doors. Maybe it gave me the edge over others in being awarded a PhD bursary or got me those first few RA/lecturing roles. But that said, noone is going to keep you on if you can't cut the mustard.

However, I was being honest when I relayed my fears about ageing and the impact this has on your looks. I hate myself for feeling like this. I always thought I would be above such superficial concerns. Indeed, I always bang on about the superficial nature of beauty etc. I also admire the older beauties far more than the younger ones. I still think that Monica Bellucci, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon are amazingly beautiful and far more interesting than their younger counterparts. But, the old insecurities about whether I really deserve to be in the position I'm in occasionally come to the surface. Being beautiful has always been a part of my identity, even though I always tried to prove that I was much more than a pretty face.

I have a stunningly beautiful friend who was a model in her youth, but decided on an alternative career after a few years as the industry made her incredibly insecure. Some of her friends continued with it, many are not coping well with aging at all. She often says that being beautiful is both a blessing and a curse. Perhaps she's right.

It’s great that you’ve come back OP.
I’m in my late 30s but this thread made me think about my parents. Both are very attractive people who are also very bright and achieved many things in their careers (I promised I am not idolising them ). How they dealt with ageing was very different though: my dad still got lots of positive comments on his looks (and swoons from the mums of all of my boyfriends ) despite being a man in his late60s/70s with a belly... and he loved it. My mum is similarly beautiful but seemed to deal with ageing differently- beauty was not a factor in her achievements but I think she misses the identity of being a beautiful young(er) woman. I guess that’s why we see on-screen couples like Sean Connery & Catherine Zeta-Jones as “plausible”- ageing men are still seen as attractive, sometimes even more than in their youth (think Frank Sinatra, who looked a lot better in his 60s than in his 30s).

Having said that, I think it’s a little unfair to compare ourselves to women like Jennifer Aniston, Monica Bellucci and Jennifer Lopez - they have a huge amount of resources to help them look the way they do, and their careers depend on it. A lot of it is also editing/photoshop/styling (not dissing them in any way, but their pictures on social media were not taken by themselves on the front camera of an iPhone!). I can think of several examples of women I know who are in their 50s or older and look amazing in “real life”.