Being beautiful and ageing

[OldieMama]

Interested to know your opinions on being considered beautiful in your youth and the ageing process. As a woman now in her late forties who has spent her whole life being celebrated for her beauty, and the pressures that brings, I feel a terrible burden to be perfect. Yes, I look a good decade younger than my years, but feel that the power of beauty is nearly at an end. I didn't think that I would feel the dwindling power of my youth so acutely. Indeed, I have worked so hard at forging a career despite my looks. This in itself, has been a challenge, as I know I have had advantages in my career because of my looks (superiors have told me so). Would love to know others experiences. How do you move into a life free from how you look? I still feel like a fraud despite being a seasoned academic with a PhD and number of writings to my name 🤦

I’ve known some beauties in my time. Hell, I’m not too shabby myself. I’ve never known anyone “celebrated for their beauty” though, aside from C8H10N4O2

Thanks @Amdone123. You sound like a wonderful grandmother

@ElspethFlashman

I've realised that as you get older, people are impressed by different things about your appearance.

In your 50s, people really praise you if you have glowy skin - you can fake that of course. All these products with "luminous" in the name.

People praise your eyes - again, you can fake that. For me, I will never ever use regular powder under my eyes. I started using illuminating magic powder about a year ago and I've noticed how many people tell me I look fresh as a daisy, even with a mask on. Its an optical illusion. They don't know I have dark circles.

People praise your hair if you just have your roots done and have a bit of volumising dry shampoo in it. It's like a magic trick.

Once you twig that people are hard wired to just notice the obvious things, it gets easier to play that game.

That's if you want to, which I do. I may not be the thinnest, or the prettiest, but I suspect people think I "keep myself up" quite well, and that's a nice feeling.

@ElspethFlashman what’s this illuminating magic powder of which you speak?!

I’ve always striven to look the best I can and now I am old I choose to look well as opposed to looking younger. I refuse to look unattractive and by that I don’t mean in order to attract men, far from it.

If I go missing I want to look good in my photo distributed to the media!

My peers that try to look younger all sport a similar look and in my opinion they look their age.

To be honest, I think aging is a kick in the arse whether you're beautiful or not...I don't think it has to be, but I think it can be. (It's quite frankly giving my arse a right battering at the moment...and I'm no looker!)

It sounds as though you're trapped in the values you established for yourself at an earlier age, OP. Personally, I was a gorgeous child and developed into something of a beauty in my teens/twenties which was a heady time. Since those days, my values have evolved - I aspire to be seen as someone who's kind, astute and funny. I haven't given up on looks, but what others think of mine now matters not a jot. Admittedly I have only a first degree and have no writings to my name.

'Celebrated for my beauty' . What on earth.

There is nothing wrong with liking what you see but this seems a bit 'tell me I am beautiful'.

I've been lucky enough to be told I'm beautiful also. I'm 28. I do think I am pretty and that's okay to self love but your OP is just weird. Reminds me of the thread where someone said they had a beautiful daughter, weird.

I was recently thinking how attractive Mary Beard was to listen to on tv - she has a mellifluous voice, pleasant gently smiling face, obviously enjoys the subject she is talking about , very relaxing to watch, seems friendly - can't fault her imv.
Then we have the plastic faced ( I mean the perfected, heavily made up, wrinkle less, botoxed face) , distractingly pouty lips and flashing blue/ white teeth of some other presenters - I know who I prefer. Though no doubt the second would be labelled attractive.

@IhateBoswell

I’ve known some beauties in my time. Hell, I’m not too shabby myself. I’ve never known anyone “celebrated for their beauty” though, aside from C8H10N4O2

Same here. I'm not bad looking (watch Emmerdale if you want to see what I look like ). But am puzzled at the phrase 'celebrated for her beauty'.

I have met, worked with, known and still know people who are beautiful but celebrated for their beauty, no.

It’s the most bizarre turn of phrase I’ve ever read for someone to describe anyone, never mind themselves 😳😂

OP I get it. I'm not beautiful but I don't feel ready to lose the part of my idenity which is young and vibrant and desirable. I know I can still be attractive vibrant and desirable but the truth is that our culture links these things with youth. It's hard. I am keeping my appearance as good as I can, but my longer term plans to deal with the cognitive dissonance are:

• Get good at dancing so I can create something beautiful with my body that doesnt rely on looks
• Keep busy doing something meaningful
• Spend time with people my own age and older
• Learn to like myself more so I can be proud of who I am

I love your plan a lot @GrumpyTerrier! Especially learning to dance! What a lovely idea.

You sound a bit vain, maybe try enjoying life instead. How was your beauty celebrated? Were parades thrown ? Did the locals erect a statue of you to worship?

I have come across some really attractive people - and annoyingly they are good looking, also have good teeth, good posture, nicely dressed, pleasant voice - seems so unfair but have to say their common element was that they were boring and not much fun! I'm sure this doesn't apply to the OP!

Post a pic OP, we can help.

Was your PHD in creative writing by any chance?

Whatever people think of the way the OP phrased her post, or of how this is a non-issue or a 'nice problem to have', it certainly illustrates how bad and potentially damaging it is to constantly base the worth of women and girls on their appearance and looks.

It's all very well to tell the OP to enjoy the lack of attention and to embrace caring less about what she looks like, but casting off attitudes, insecirities and beliefs about your own self-worth that were formed in childhood or adolescence, and which have continued to be reinforced by the media and on social media ever since, is surely not that easy!

Growing old is a privilege many don't get to experience.

This sort of thing happens when you grow up thinking that your looks are the main thing you have to offer. Perhaps because of your parents? It’s unhealthy. We all die, too.

I always think it’s my children’s turn to be stunning now. Mind you I have far more pressing problems.

@Crabbitcrab

You sound a bit vain, maybe try enjoying life instead. How was your beauty celebrated? Were parades thrown ? Did the locals erect a statue of you to worship?

🤣🤣🤣

It can be a huge thing and very sad, especially if you were married for your looks. Women struggle horribly, as do their DHs who have been very proud of them.

The only comfort is for the rest of us who aren’t that superficial. I’m not sniping - women I know who just got on with life regardless of what the fairy godmothers handed out are much happier cos they built achievements that last.

@GrumpyTerrier, you've inspired me to ask about ballet classes in my home town . I've always wished I could dance! So, thank you

Yes yes yes op. Mine lasted til now, 40, but having children was what did it. I sort of don't mind too much. I wish I'd appreciated the power of entering a room and being able to cut a swathe through it. And of not having to worry about not being attractive in bed. I did worry, I shouldn't have! That's the only thing I regret now, that I wouldn't be able to find myself fabulous in that scenario anymore. It's also odd having to remind yourself that you're too old for hot young things.
I don't have an answer for feeling better. I just sort of feel okay myself. Be interesting and be interested in others I suppose. And as Henry James wrote 'American women act beautiful even when they aren't'.
I plan on doing that.

I was on a train a few years ago and there was a woman who was in her 70s and she was beautiful. Her hair was grey and she had lines but she still had the bone structure and a certain poise. She also had a wonderful smile. I've never forgotten how beautiful and natural she was

@Carouselfish

Yes yes yes op. Mine lasted til now, 40, but having children was what did it. I sort of don't mind too much. I wish I'd appreciated the power of entering a room and being able to cut a swathe through it. And of not having to worry about not being attractive in bed. I did worry, I shouldn't have! That's the only thing I regret now, that I wouldn't be able to find myself fabulous in that scenario anymore. It's also odd having to remind yourself that you're too old for hot young things. I don't have an answer for feeling better. I just sort of feel okay myself. Be interesting and be interested in others I suppose. And as Henry James wrote 'American women act beautiful even when they aren't'. I plan on doing that.

You think you are old and your beauty is gone at 40?

Growing old is a privilege many don't get to experience.

That doesn't mean you have to like everything about it. Having children is another privilege that some don't get to experience. That doesn't mean it can't sometimes be hard. Different people experience things differently.