Im not sure i can cope

[Tricks]

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

Me too Wobble!

GA, you demand whether children of first marriages should have priority over second families. Your attitude very much seems to be that the family the man is with at the current time is the one which takes priority, whether that's the first, second or sixth.

Most reasonable people would argue that men shouldn't have first and second grade children - all children a man has fathered should have equal consideration.

Yes - absolutely , I agree. To think that a child would be favoured because its a mans first second or third is awful. When my dh and I have a child I would hate for him to feel any more or less for our child then his first!

Are you still out there tricks? How are you doing?

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ive never known anything else!! when my parents split up, my dad went and had another child and "replaced" me and my new stepdad hated me.

my sons father has "replaced" him with his new wifes child from a previous relationship and their new baby.

and my daughters dad refuses to see her but sees the child he had with another woman when he cheated and got us pg at the same time.

i just love the way men can pick and chose!

hiya happymum btw, how are you these days? been meaning to mail you.

( no more appreciation - everyone else was definitely putting it better than me, I just like getting my full tuppence-worth in, either that or opening my mouth as often as possible so I can keep changing feet )

Tricks, hope you haven't felt kept away from the thread after all this debate. Hope you haven't felt like anyone's been too harsh - its just that when there's a child involved you have to be so careful, what your ss goes through in these years will stick with him for the rest of his life. If it was only his ex you had to deal with it would be easier, she should be big enough to look after herself but kids aren't, thats why everyone's concerned.

In the end its up to you whether you can cope with your feelings about your partners son or whether you have to end the relationship - no-one should blame you for choosing either option. But the only option that should be unacceptable is letting your feelings override your stepson's feelings. If posting about it on MN means the feelings go away in real life, then please go ahead, some of us post our worst thoughts on here from time to time just so we don't have to suubject anyone else to them. But if you can't deal with your feelings in real life then it really might be worth discussing it with someone else - there must be support groups for stepparents (besides MN) around, I'll have a look if you can't find anything. You've got an enforced break while your partners settlement is sorted, please PLEASE use it to make sure that when you do meet your stepson you can be completely adult and let him have all the childish feelings.

I've read what people have posted on here about acting and not letting the child see your feelings but it really is pointless. Kids can't understand adult feelings but if there's one thing they can do its pick up on hostility. I don't honestly believe there's a person on earth who can convince a child they're happy with them if they're not! And its just extra pressure on you, why force yourself to put on an act when you can tackle it head on and sort your feelings out one way or the other.

I don't personally know how strong your feelings are but you could always look into counselling - just for someone who could listen to your thoughts and suggest ways of tackling your feelings.

Hope you're still reading this thread and haven't been totally scared off!!

IIRC GA made a stunning comment on a previous threat on Step parenting/second families. It was something along the lines of 'If a man has two cars in front of his house, one is old and one is a new one, which do you think he will spend the most time on'

She also infered that if a man begins to earn more money his first family should have no claim of it because children only cost so much to raise.

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'By Guardianangel on Wednesday, 15 June, 2005 8:19:38 PM

[This should liven it up a bit]
If you have an old car and a new car on the drive, which one do you take the most care and pride in? '

is the exact quote on the fathers 4 justice thread

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Personally think GA's 'old car, new car' comparison was meant selfishly rather than just about how much kids cost to raise. Meaning that if you have a 'shiny new car' - the new child that you want with your new partner, rather than the old car of the previous child that you're now sick of and bored with then of course you want to lavish affection and money on the new car and shove the old car in the nearest convienient corner.

Totally unacceptable IMO. Must stress this isn't the way I actually feel but GA, how would you feel if I said something just as stupid from the other angle. If you've still got your gorgeous first ever car and it's everything it should be and gets better with every day that passes, why on earth should you bother with your new car, that you only need for the sake of having a car on hand, surely it could only seem second best??

You can spin it any way you like but pitting kids against each other is ultimately wrong. As soon as you make the choice to have a child, or even put yourself in the position where you could possibly end up with a child, you agree to take responsibility for your child/children. And every parent should know that taking responsibility doesn't mean giving as little as you can get away with, it means giving everything you possibly can to fulfil their needs (whether that's money, love, whatever) AND more than they need if you can, not because its fair but because they're yours and so they deserve it.

Very clever you cliquey lot, taking all my quotes out of context You would all make very good editors for the SUNDAY SPORT! Mmm classy. I never realised just how stupid women could be. Men have been telling us all this time. They are right. If you werent unhappy, then you wouldnt be posting on MN all day would you now?

So what's your excuse then, Mr GA?

GA - you said you're happy and yet you're posting on MN so you must understand how the rest of us with normally happy lives want to post on here too. And I've just come back on MN after about 3 months off, if I'm in a clique already then someone must have signed me up in my absence because I certainly haven't had time to join up!!!

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The veg bit is in his brain

I love it when you talk dirty!!! All online again hovering over this thread for another punch up eh!

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GA, care to actually answer my question of why someone with a wonderful car should be bothered starting again with a new one or would you rather keep slagging us off? Don't mind either way but am curious.

You are like a dog with a bone aint yer? He wont leave me. He has loved me since we were 18years. He does anything for me and me for him. Thats the secret girls of a happy marriage. Wish I had worked that out last time.

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You see, all taken out of context. My world is perfect and rosy. My child and my DH children all rub along nicely. We all have choices and we have all made the choice that suits us. You are making a lot assumptions.

Does anything for you? Obviously doesn't do enough to keep you off websites talking to people you obviously despise

Back to above the belt stuff. I'm not suggesting he'd leave you but how would you feel if he did? Anything can happen, couples married for 40 years have split. Even if he doesn't, my question still remains, why should a new car be important to anyone if its just the same as the old car but the old car has got better and better with age?

do you know what GA?

you make me laugh, i cant even be arsed to argue with you cause i dont think you'll understand me anyway.

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