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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Im not sure i can cope

254 replies

Tricks · 20/06/2005 11:39

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

OP posts:
Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:20

I did mention before that I was in a previous marriage and we split amicably (including money) and moved on. It is possible. I DONT despise anyone I just love a heated debate.

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:21

~Bring it on Happyhuggy

wobblyknicks · 24/06/2005 22:22

' never realised just how stupid women could be. Men have been telling us all this time. They are right. If you werent unhappy, then you wouldnt be posting on MN all day would you now?'

And you don't despise us??

HappyHuggy · 24/06/2005 22:23

Anytime GA

im in one of those moods tonight - too much energy and looking for something to take it out on

Caligula · 24/06/2005 22:24

HH this thread's your perfect vehicle!

HappyHuggy · 24/06/2005 22:24

i know....

im trying to control myself though

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:25

HH, fists up then, Ive had a few glasses of champagne and ready for you

HappyMumof2 · 24/06/2005 22:26

Message withdrawn

wobblyknicks · 24/06/2005 22:28

GA, if your world is so rosy why are you on here picking fights instead of off running through a field of daffodils of whatever it is happy people do (I'm obviously a miserable b*tch so wouldn't know)? And why would you rather have a fight than answer a simple question?

cherith · 24/06/2005 22:29

i understand how all parties must feel. B4 i had kids i would of felt just the same i would have to admit. I can also understand that his x might feel raw and does not want anyone playing mum just yet. Give it time. There is no rush for you to meet his son. i know you would not be wanting to play mum but this is how she may feel. if things dont work out between you then its best if you dont meet his son to avoid any confusion. Im sure there will come a time when things will feel a lot better for everyone involved. once you meet his son im sure you will feel uncoftable, but after a while you will build a relationship. hopefully this will be a good one despite your currant feelings.

HappyMumof2 · 24/06/2005 22:29

Message withdrawn

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:34

Jealousy is not in my nature. The x is the green eyed monster who has contaminated the sd. ss visits regularly and everything is hunky dory. I help him with his fishing, football, computer skills, watch over his schooling blah blah. Do I get a gold star now? My sd was treated very well, we used to shop and i would enter into silly competitions with her (and we won a few things) I would throw parties for them. The list goes on. Not a problem for me other than the PND situation which deprived me of a normal relationship with my natural child after IVF. That is all over now and my life is just great. Came to mums net to share info on health, places to go etc. When I saw it was more than that, I joined in with the banter, funny and sad. It is so sad that people are taking everything so personally. If you take a look at some of the posts to me I think you will see that they are personal to my character. I am still smiling though

Caligula · 24/06/2005 22:35

Funny that. It's a view a lot of fathers have too - particularly those involved with F4J, eh, GA?

I'm slinking off to bed too. Good night all!

wobblyknicks · 24/06/2005 22:39

GA - you're happy but you still talk about your sd 'causing' your PND, you still call her manipulative, you jump to call her mother the 'green eyed monster'......

.....pull the other one, it plays Crazy Frog

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:40

HM2 If he left, I would have to admit that it must of been something to do with what I am NOT contributing to the marriage. (Else he wouldnt leave). I would encourage a healthy relationship with my DS together with regular contact with SS and SD. If DH didnt want to know. I would try to work (yuk) again and claim everything I could to make my life comfortable. (half my lifetime I have paid tax and N Insurance). I wouldnt feel an ounce of guilt claiming it.

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:45

Goodnight Caligula, Wobblyknicks, I cant convince you because you would prefer not to for what ever reason. It is as I tell it.

wobblyknicks · 24/06/2005 22:47

GA, you can't convince me because you're saying one thing then saying something else a sentence later.

And if you won't answer my other question will you answer this - do you believe your partner puts your child before his others?

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 22:50

He financially provides (big time) for them and naturally cares for their welfare. X excludes him from their care, other than their visits to us. He cant do much more than move on with us his new family. Oh yes, children were not really wanted by dh with his x. Both mistakes so psychologicaly I dont suppose this helps him.

wobblyknicks · 24/06/2005 22:58

But being shut out of someone's life doesn't mean you can feel any less for them. The point I'm trying to make is that you wouldn't agree with me if I said your kid(kids?) is less important than his previous kids because he's been there done that so in the same way your car analogy doesn't hold any water either.

As to both previous kids being accidents, if having the first one was so unwanted by him, psychologically or otherwise, begs the question of how he let himself accidentally have a second.

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 23:00

Some women are devious and this man is trusting!

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 23:08

I think if you talk to most women in marriages with skids from partners in previous marriages/relationships. Most will say that they sometimes feel their kids in the current relationship appear to be made second best (perhaps not intentionally) but because of the guilt factor from the father that has left the first kids behind he feels inclined to make more of a fuss with them. The guilt is not the basis to keep you in touch with your previous kids and exclude the present kids. I am lucky that he sees that the future is here with him now and later his kids from x may or may not care to be more involved in his life later. He is inclined to concentrate on his current family and enjoy whatever the x may allow for now.

wobblyknicks · 24/06/2005 23:11

Well its up to you where you draw the line between trust and stupidity.

Will have to pack off to bed, to be straight you don't seem as happy to me as you're so anxious to say you are but if you believe it you're more easily pleased than me.

All I can say is I really hope your stepkids manage to realise for themselves that they're not unwanted mistakes, had nothing to do with your or your partners feelings and are just as special as any other child. Earlier in the week I was wondering how some kids grow up with such warped views on adult relationships, now I know, thanks.

Night

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 23:12

As I have said before it is all very complicated and there are many more factors than I care to post to justify. I may seem a tad aggressive on this subject because I feel protective of my Dh who has done absolutely everything for them to ensure that they can make choices when the time comes. The X is jealous of our family unit and after 8years still wont move on.(incidentally I was not party to his break up)

Guardianangel · 24/06/2005 23:13

Night night

Surfermum · 24/06/2005 23:14

Dsd was planned by dh's x, but DH didn't have a clue what was going on until she told him she was 3m pg. He has also been shut out of dsd's life other than when she comes to stay. He treats both his dd's exactly the same. I can't see any difference at all in the way he loves and behaves with dsd and dd. He didn't fight through the Courts to make sure he saw her through guilt, he did so because he loved her dearly and it would have broken his heart if he hadn't been granted contact.