Im not sure i can cope

[Tricks]

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

Message withdrawn

i cant believe you havent met your bf's little boy yet.

i think you should stop and think for a while about how the little boy will feel if he ever met you - all the emotions and frightened feeling he will have. think of ways you can make him feel safe and welcomed by you, and your feelings will not feel so overwhelming

you are the adult, he is the child, make plans to meet him and if he is quiet, or clingy to his dad then try and put yourself in his shoes

I can't understand why your partner can't introduce you to his son if you are to be a long term or permanent fixture in his life. You have been together over a year which indicates you are more than just a casual fling! Perhaps he senses your resentment and doesn't want to exacerbate the situation? Have you ever asked to meet him? Does he know you exist? At the moment all he is to you is a competitor for your boyfriend's feelings, which isn't the ideal situation. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't want to hurt his son by introducing him to someone he may grow fond of, if there's going to be this underlying rivalry. I think you should try and sort out your feelings (which you admit yourself are ridiculous) and work with your boyfriend to normalise the situation, ie meet this son, if you want your relationship to work. Perhaps he is being over-protective of you both!

There could also of course be issues with the boy's mum or the child himself in handling his parents' separation, but either way I'm afraid you do need to learn to live with it. A good parent will always put his or her child first, however much they love their partner.

Could it be that he doesn't want you implicated in the divorce?

I know where you are coming from, i used to practically live with dp and when ever his sd came to stay i was sent home, he would call me when she wasnt around and he didnt tell her about me.she asked her mother if he had a new girlfriend with a child as some of her toys had been played with and her mum couldnt resist telling her which in turn hurt her cos she thought that she would be coming back to live with him. it took a lot of time for her to except that dp had a new family and when we finally met we had to go to dp xw house and sit in her front room with her new fella and there new baby which was horrible, but it gave a chance to meet us in an enviroment she felt safe in and i respected that, the first time we met i was sick before i got to the house and felt dizzy and sick whilst there but now she comes to stay with us all the time, i have a dd who is 4 and sd is 7 so they get on great but i think you should let your dp decide when the time is right because he knows his ds and doesnt want him upset, he is at an age where this could cause alot of upset in his life. be patient it all takes time when kids are involved

I think if you can't cope with the fact that your partner has a child, then you ought to find yourself a partner who doesn't. At 27, that shouldn't present too much of a problem.

If OTOH you really want to make a go of it with your DP and be a permanent part of his life, you are going to have to make up your mind to grow up pretty fast and cope with the fact that he has a DS. If you don't, you, your dp, your dp's ex and your dp's child, are all going to be very unhappy for the forseeable future. Do you think counselling might help you to sort out your feelings of jealousy and insecurity?

I can practically guarantee that the child will dislike you if you meet him in your present state of mind. Kids are so inuitive - they pick up on these vibes. Perhaps that's why your DP is holding off introducing you as well - he's putting off something difficult which he suspects may not go well.

Well it may not go well, but it's guaranteed not to go well unless you genuinely decide that on your part, you're going to do your damndest to make it work and accept with both your head and heart that DP has a DS, he always will have, and if you want to be a permanent part of his life, you are going to have to play a constructive role with his DP. If you don't feel that you can commit to that, sorry, but you really shouldn't be in this relationship.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but honestly if you are going down the road of step-parenting, it's as big a commitment as the role of parenting and you need to be aware of that before taking it on. You'll save yourself a lot of pain if you understand that and prepare for it, before you embark on it. (And no matter how ready you are it'll still be hell at times but you'll be able to get support from Mumsnet!)

I would guess from reading the responses from Happymumof2 and Nailpolish that they are not step-parents. it is impossible to sometimes rationalise your feelings - yes, yes, we all know we are the grown ups, but that doesn't mean that we always feel in control of our feelings does it.
i think the fact that you haven't met your dp's son is definitely compounding the problem, and personally i don't see what the big deal is about you meeting his son. I mean if you were just friends would he stop you from meeting him? My guess is it wouldn't be an issue. Why not broach the subjest with your dp from this angle - i think a lot can be said for the softly softly approach when it comes to meeting your new step-kid-to-be, especially if thay are in the middle of a traumatic split, but lets face it you are his girlfriend, you are going to be part of their lives - meeting him doesn't have to mean he'll be exposed to you and your dp snogging away the whole time will it, I'm sure you can restrain yourself?!! It doesn't even mean that he will be exposed to the reality that dad's now sleeping with a woman who's not mum! Maybe meet up in a playground, a picnic, or even have dinner with them one night at the house. Something really ordinary, neutral and unthreatening? It will only seem like a big deal if your dp makes it one, otherwise his little boy won't think anything of it.
As far as not being a kiddie person - join the club - i had no interest in kids before i got together with my dp (who has two sons) but that was mainly because i never had any contact with any kids before. Honestly, they are not really that scary, and actually I have a great relationship with them most of the time.
The softy softly approach will probabaly benefit not just your dp's son, but you too!
One thing i will say is, don't kid yourself for a second that once the divorce comes through that the ex will no longer be a very central force in your life - just like dogs, ex's are for life! Read some of the posts on this board to see how this can be a living nightmare. However if you are very lucky as i am, it can be as pain free as you allow it to be.
But regardless of the above posters, even the most secure of us can feel threatened and insecure when faced with a partners previous life and love on an almost daily basis.
Good luck and keep posting.

Thank you for replying.

The reason why i havent been introduced to the little boy is because my partner is currently going to court to sort out maintenance and custody arrangements. He's ex is particularly voyatile and my partner doesnt want her knowing about me and that effecing his chances in anyway. He has reassured me that as soon as his divorce is finalised i will meet his son.

I just feel that when every Friday and every Saturday comes round (they are the days when boyfriend sees his son) i get pushed to one side. I hate the fact that i have to hide out the way and that my boyfriend cant call me when his son is around.

Yes i am naive in some respects and I am trying to get my head around my boyfriends situation but at the moment that green eyed monster keeps coming back to haunt me

Tricks, run a mile girl. you are not cut out to be a step mum. Your feelings are perfectly normal and you are extremely brave to admit them. REMEMBER when the divorce is through the problem still goes on. The x is always there and so is the child. NEVER any peace or privacy. Dont be fooled into thinking you and boyfriend will move on into another world. You will always feel like the second fiddle. If you have a year to spare try to find the thread on Fathers for Justice that will give you an insight of the aggravation ahead. Good Luck

LOL at run a mile ? I always think anyone who takes on the role of step-parent knowing what it entails, is either insane, or Mother Teresa, or the partner of somebody so completely wonderful that he's worth it - and of course, it helps if the children are wonderful too - and who knows, you could be in for a lovely surprise, but that will only be the case if your heart is open to it. Most people of course, take on the role without knowing what it entails and are left reeling from the shock of it (much like with any other form of parenting!) GA?s advice is probably what your mother would say to you ? that you?re taking on an unnecessarily difficult task, when you could have it much easier with a man who does not have children already.

There are just so many times when as a step-parent, you are going to feel pushed aside and feel like your needs are last on your dp's list - if you click on the step-parent's conversation link, you'll find so many situations where that is the case.

But otoh, it does depend on how much you love your DP and how much you are prepared to invest in this relationship. The only way you're going to be able to cope is to sort your feelings out beforehand and be in control of them. That way, on the times when DP does put his DS before you (and there will be many of those times) you'll be able to cope with it and feel proud that he?s such a good father, rather than feeling resentful and marginalised. It sounds like you're at the very beginning of trying to sort out whether you're ready for this challenge, and I hope you come to the right decision for you, whether it?s to run a mile or stay for the long haul.

Hi Tricks and welcome to mumsnet. I can understand how you're feeling to an extent. When I met dh he had split with his x and she had stopped him seeing his dd. They were in the middle of Court proceedings. The whole thing was very drawn out and it was a year before I met her. I can remember feeling anxious about how I was going to cope with my boyfriend having a child. I had no idea how I would feel when I met her - either about having her around or about the fact that she existed. DH and I had had a year when it was just us and it as brilliant, I didn't want anything to spoil it.

However, I could see what a devoted dad he was. He was desperate to see his little girl again and it had broken his heart that his x had stopped him seeing her and was doing her best to prevent him ever seeing her again. And that just made me love him more (I know that sounds a bit soppy maybe but it did).

So I just went with it and decided to sort out whatever feelings I had as they arose, but I was very nervous about how things would turn out. The night before I was due to meet dsd I was awake worrying about what I had to do if I had to take her to the toilet (she was 4 when I met her). Seems ridiculous now. We went to meet her and we took her out to the zoo for the day to see Father Christmas. She was a delightful little girl and we took to each other straight away. I found that all my worries were unfounded, she was just a little girl, having a great time at the zoo with her Daddy and Daddy's friend. I really had nothing to worry about.

I think I looked on it that there was absolutely nothing I could change, so I just had to accept the situation, but from dsd's point of view there was nothing to accept. She's great and I love having her to stay. GA's right the x and your dp's son will always be there, but that doesn't mean you won't get any peace or time to yourselves. Of course you will.

HappyMumof2, sorry but your post infuriated me. As valleygirl said, obviously you and nailpolish have not been in Tricks' position before otherwise you would be somewhat more understanding. I have been in the exact same situation as Tricks and it can be extremely difficult, I met my dh when his children were very young and I was quite a bit younger than 27! He pursued me after his marriage broke up, we fell 'head over heels' etc, but the whole situation involving his ex and his children completely overwhelmed me. You literally have no idea what you?re walking into. You don?t feel resentful or threatened because you?re selfish or immature, it?s because it can be a very difficult and tedious thing to deal with. I wasn't a 'kiddie person' either in my twenties and I had to feel my way through the entire thing, receiving a lot of hurts and disappointments along the way. Of COURSE the children matter, of course they are experiencing lots of different emotions which have to be treated with love, respect and care, but it doesn?t make the relationship between the two adults any less important.

I've been through all the same feelings as Tricks. After dh & I married we had many many problems involving both his ex and his children, and a few years ago it almost destroyed our marriage. We are still together many years later but you have no idea what it can be like, and the kinds of feelings and situations you have to go through. Years later I can now say that his children (virtually grown up) are very special to me and we have a good relationship, I even became friends with their mother and liked/respected her immensely after I got to know her. But it can take years of adjustment and hard work.

Tricks, if the relationship lasts, you will obviously have to meet his son one day soon and take his ?baggage? on board so to speak, but I think as long as you and your partner have a common goal and work at it together, you should be fine... best of luck.

i wouldnt have wanted to be a step parent either before i had my own children. im not a "kiddie" person at all, and children scare me. i dont know what to do with them.

but..knowing how i would have felt back then i would have run a mile from any man with kids. you didnt, you fell in love with him. you knew he had "baggage" when you met him so its not like you have had a nasty surprise. i know we cant control who we fall in love with but if you love someone you accept them for who they are, how they are, and what they bring with them.

you dont need to feel jealous of a 6 year old. your partner loves him in a very different way to how he loves you. the child is not your enemy and he would probably feel more wary of you than you do of him. believe me, if you go into this in the frame of mind you currently are in, there will be problems. the child will most certainly pick up on it. my stepfather hated me with a passion and made my life hell. in the end, only the child will suffer.

i think if you cant push these feelings aside then this is not the relationship for you.

Nightowl, you were very lucky. Many of us experience hostility through the x and subsequently through the child. My SD was six and she was and still is manipulative and devious. Sorry but there was no reason for this as like other stories I was very good to her and her brother, even her dad admits this. Once the x puts the poison in, there is no way back. I hope that once she has got to her 20's and experiences situations for herself she will see the light and we can all get on.

I'm actually quite shocked that someone would describe a six year old child as manipulative and devious.

You havent lived!!

Sorry but I would absolutely hate to be forced to send my child to a household where they were put in the care of someone who was so hostile to them. If you have that level of hostility to a six year old, that you use words like that about her (words which I feel can only be applied to someone who has an adult understanding of a situation) then you can't expect her mother to feel very positive about you, or about sending her child into your care. How would you feel if it were your child who were being described in such a way? Would you think the person who was talking about her like that was a fit person to look after him or her?

Sorry Caligula, you are sooooo wrong on this one. Her environment was not hostile when she visited. I did mention that even her Father thought I was marvellous when them. Her mother caused the problem, feeding her information and making nasty remarks, which she picked up and started to use. (FOR NO GOOD REASON) I wonder if you have step children. My experience of having my own would have me believe that a six yr old could only be an angel too. A child coming into your home with outside influences is a very different matter. You only have to look into adoption to realise this.

Just for the record. I absolutely adore children. I ran a toddler group for two years. My SD and her Mother was responsible for my PND. Let me tell you 2 years of hell I went through. (she was 10yrs at this point)

GA of course 6 year olds are not angels. But even if they are parroting crap they've heard from a hostile mother, that's what you have to recognise it as - the parroting of a six year old, not devious manipulation. And the fact is, you can't control what the child's mother is telling her, but you certainly can control your response to it. Whether you have an adult response, of recognising that the child is being manipulated (as opposed to manipulating) and continuing doggedly through gritted teeth if need be, being positive and determined to make your relationship work, or whether you give up and label the child manipulative and devious, is entirely up to you - it's something you've got complete control over, if you're an adult.

Yes that is right. What I think and how I respond. I am telling you what I think which doesnt mean that I responded with hostility. How bad is it that you feel that you cant leave your new born in the same room alone for fear she may do something to it!!! This is not paranoia

I'm very sorry you went through hell GA, but do you really think it's reasonable to blame an illness, the causes of which are unclear even to professionals, as far as I understand it (aren't they still doing lots of research on trying to find out what causes it, what exacerbates it etc.?) partly on a 10 year old?

GA lots of people can't leave their new borns alone with older siblings - sibling rivalry is not confined to step children. I would never have left my DD alone with my DS when she was a baby either - just in case.

Sorry but weeks of counselling brought the reason to the surface.

Spot on Caligula! That's how I look at it. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it is for dsd being caught up between her mum and dad.