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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Im not sure i can cope

254 replies

Tricks · 20/06/2005 11:39

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 26/06/2005 17:32

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Caligula · 26/06/2005 18:39

True. It's very unusual nowadays to come across anyone who hasn't either had a step-parent, been a step-parent or had a good friend or relative have/ be a step parent - or lone parent for that matter. (I've got several in both camps!)

Ah the joy of diversity.

Sorry you feel Mumsnet is not so supportive Looptheloop. I think probably part of the problem is that it's partly support network, partly debating chamber, and the two overlap sometimes unfortunately, leaving people who want support perhaps feeling that everyone has decided to debate issues and ideas instead of supporting their individual problems. I guess there's no easy way round that.

Guardianangel · 26/06/2005 20:37

See that you're still p*ing other posters off HMof2. Not just me then eh?

HappyMumof2 · 26/06/2005 20:48

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Guardianangel · 26/06/2005 20:51

LJ's and Loop the loop seem to think you are pretty opinionated.

HappyMumof2 · 26/06/2005 20:55

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HappyMumof2 · 26/06/2005 20:56

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HappyHuggy · 26/06/2005 20:58

im not usually one for saying what i feel bit GA get a life and leave the people who can have a grown up adult discussion to it.

HappyHuggy · 26/06/2005 20:59

(are you a man or a woman by the way? genuine question)

HappyMumof2 · 26/06/2005 21:02

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 26/06/2005 21:19

GA if people weren't opinionated, they wouldn't be posting on Mumsnet. What's wrong with having an opinion?

And do you want to continue to use Tricks' thread to have a barney, or would you prefer to start up a "stoopid barney" thread of your own?

HappyHuggy · 26/06/2005 21:31

shes taken your advice and started a thread of her own......

Guardianangel · 26/06/2005 21:32

Well it seems theres everything wrong with MY opinion. It cuts both ways, as has been said many times before.

LooptheLoop · 26/06/2005 22:06

I completely appreciate the importance of both debate versus support and both have a role to play. But I would hope the debate and challenge was constructive - not aggressive and judgemental. Do you have any idea of the range of emotions than a step-parent goes through???? Some of the answers are so shooting from the hip that they mean step-parents will not post. Surely a site like this is the ideal and safe venue to discuss the feelings we go through without being shot down. Why do you feel the need to so hijack others sites???

LooptheLoop · 26/06/2005 22:13

HappyMum - I feel you are so answering from the perspective of a mum (and that is very valid and I can understand your protective instinct) but I feel this neglects what it might be like to be acting as mum to other people's children. I feel there are more constructive ways of making your point than telling people to bluntly grow up. I hope you are all happy with the site you have hijacked.

Guardianangel · 26/06/2005 22:17

Loop the Loop im afraid another thread has been hijacked by the angst mothers. See Step parent reunited. If the step parents dont respond then the x's wont understand. If they dont want to understand then unhappy they will be. I do know what you mean. It begins to feel like playground bullying.

HappyMumof2 · 26/06/2005 22:24

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LooptheLoop · 26/06/2005 22:26

Well you are welcome to it - and I hope you enjoy it. But don't be surprised if you don't find any step-parents on the step-parent site.

Caligula · 26/06/2005 22:27

Looptheloop, as it happens, I do have some idea of the range of emotions step parents go through. My brother is a step dad, my cousin is a stepmum and one of my oldest friends from university is a stepmum.

All of these people have shared extensively with me their (often painful) experiences over the years.

None of them have ever blamed the children in their care for their own insecurity. (And they've all been through some hell.) And none of them have droned mysogynist crap at me. GA has.

LooptheLoop · 26/06/2005 22:36

I fail to see how describing someone being honest about their emotions as needing to grow up is constructive. To be honest I felt the same as Tricks when I started out as a stepmum. Three years down the track I do more for them than their own mum but would have been deeply put off by the negativity Tricks received. I feel some of you have a beef with GA that would best be taken elsewhere. I'm all for open debate, but what is the point of posting on a step-parenting site if no actual step-parents post there????

Caligula · 26/06/2005 22:39

LtL, tell GA that! I'll quite happily stop beefing with him on this thread if s/he stops beefing with me on it! I did suggest he start another argument thread so that Trick's thread could be allowed to rest in peace but hey, if he continues to spout crap, I'll continue to contradict him.

LJsmum · 26/06/2005 23:28

I fail to see how describing someone being honest about their emotions as needing to grow up is constructive. To be honest I felt the same as Tricks when I started out as a stepmum. My thoughts exactly LooptheLoop.

I do not wish to get into an argument with you HMof2, as I said I appreciate your situation, but I really don't think you would like it at all it if someone told you to grow up because you were experiencing negative feelings toward your ex husband and his new wife, for example. It's just not as cut-and-dried as that, and I think you know it. Feelings are what they are. You must know you're going to inflame a situation when you bluntly tell someone to 'grow up' when they're genuinely experiencing some difficult emotions. Probably because you're only seeing it from your OWN point of view. Could you not stop for a moment, think that this person is genuinely seeking help since they have not been in this position before, and word your answer in a more constructive and less offensive way?

Once again, as LooptheLoop said, here we are having to defend the position of a step-parent on a step-parenting board. She should feel free to come here and express her feelings and receive some constructive answers to her questions. At least some of us here have been able to tell her that her feelings are completely normal, but that the child is still a very important part of this relationship. It is a difficult and tedious situation which will require a common purpose between her and her partner, as it involves infinite understanding, compromise and flexibility to make it work out. Ideally, if a man, his partner and his ex wife are all willing to work toward a common goal, there is a good chance it will turn out ok for everyone - but so often this is not the case, and the fault can lie with ANY of the three parties involved.

monkeytrousers · 27/06/2005 06:22

I have to disagree that being told to grow up can't be constructive.

It was the best bit of advice I've ever received in my life.

Blunt, hard to take at the time because I could only see the situation from my own perspective - but sometimes the best advice we can receive is a kick up the arse!

monkeytrousers · 27/06/2005 06:26

And GA loves a bit of cut and thrust! Maybe MN should set up a polemic board.

HappyMumof2 · 27/06/2005 08:06

Message withdrawn