Im not sure i can cope

[Tricks]

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

I suppose I should've been clearer... I don't mean that someone can't make a comment on something they haven't been through, what I meant was I don't like it when people are judgmental about something they haven't experienced. For example, insinuating that someone should 'grow up' or telling them to 'stop being 'selfish' just because they are expressing negative feelings about a step-family situation.

That's what I meant by 'commenting', if you get my drift.

Hmm. Fair enough, but tbh I think calling someone selfish is fair enough if they are being selfish whether you've been in their situation or not. (I don't think in this case, Tricks is, I think she's actually recognising that she has a problem and is trying to solve it.)

And lets face it, how many stepmothers come on here and say "I can't make any judgemental comment at all about the BM's behaviour because I haven't been through it myself"!? Not many, and why should they? If they want to call the shots as they see it, why shouldn't they, but the use of this site is that someone else might come on and give them the opposite point of view. Which imo can only be good - the more communication between both sides of the argument, the more empathy people can have for each other's situation, the better.

Take a look on good/bad stepmum thread. Not many takers there! I can only assume that most people reading that thread had positive experiences with their step mums. It appears that it is the scorned x's who criticise the new families.

As long as it's 'communication' and not abuse, Caligula

As we all know, things can quickly escalate into trading derogatory comments - particularly when there are people at opposite ends of the spectrum with their own very personal (& painful) experiences. It makes it very hard to see the other point of view, and it's made worse when people just make assumptions without knowing what it's really like.

This may sound too good to be true but I always held a certain amount of respect for dh's ex and I could always sympathise with her situation. I very rarely bad-mouthed her at all (only on occasion when she did something deliberate) and I always tried to put myself in her shoes. I think both of us tried to make the best of a very tough situation.

Agree LJsmum.

Y'see GA I think it's that kind of inflammatory comment which simply doesn't add anything postive to a debate.

You know me, I like to keep these things light hearted but with a bit of fire in the tail

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I think that must be part of the great tension though, HMo2, that rationally, people may know that the child should be put first, but emotionally, people still want their needs acknowledged as important. And it's very difficult to put someone else's child above your own needs, particularly when their need may actually clash with your child's need. For some people, things get better when their own child comes along, but for some people, things get even worse because of the tension of trying to balance everyone's needs. And as usual, the needs of the women involved are generally put lowest on everyone's list.

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Why do the kids from the first marriage get priority then?

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In my 44 years(nearly) I have been through experiences you would never believe. I am now about to admit that I have also been that child who was left whilst father seeks new life. AND i have been that child that had a step parent through the second marriage of my mother and all the children that came with the relationship. PLEEEEESE, I have experienced it from every angle. HE GOT ON WITH HIS LIFE AND GAVE ME A FURTHER TWO STEPS TO DEAL WITH AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MUST BE WEIRD COS I DONT TAKE IT FROM HIM ONE BIT. Life is for living and not for mulling over old ground. MOVE ON AND ENCOURAGE THE KIDS TO DO JUST THAT. STOP FILLING THEIR HEADS WITH ADULT CRAP. They will be happier for it.

You 11.04.38 message

' and understand that their child should always come first'

Sorry, but my mum did it the best way. She didnt force access and nor did she beg for it. She didnt chase for money. Back then in the olden days, you didnt have the state support you have now. YOU JUST HAD TO GET ON WITH IT.

Sorry, didnt mean to frighten you all off! Threads I could cover would make your head spin. er well, i havent been a hooker,stripper or in prison neither have I had a life threatening illness. But other than that my worlds my oyster!!

I don?t think HappyMum meant that her ex should give his first child priority,but that he should have given a thought to how his behaviour would affect her before embarking on a new relationship and how he was going to deal with two children from different relationships. I am a step-mother and a mother and feel that the children from two relationships should be treated equally. I do find it infuriating when bm suggests that dp should put sd before ds because she came first, but I bite my tongue.

ok Otto, I can see how it could of been interpreted in the written world. HOWEVER, You must stick up for DS. He is here and now as a step child myself i qualify to be able to say that quite often the guilt felt by the leaving parent is totally wasted. The children left behind are usually very busy with whats going on in their own home and this becomes apparant more so as they get older.

I do stick up for ds and dp always treats them equally, it's just something that bm says for some reason

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Hi everyone - haven't posted for a while but hope you are all well.

I think tricks here needs some support not to be made that the feeling she's having are not normal. I totally agree with LJSmum, and it also infuriates me when people who have not be in the situation seem to think its a doddle and can't understand why things might be difficult and hard to handle.

Firstly welcome to Tricks, and well done for making the first step and recognising you need to work through a few things, you'll get an awful lot of support on this site , everyone is great.

I met my dh 2 years ago an fell head over heels. He spilt from his ex 2 years before we met, and at the time sd was 4yrs. My dh has been great and was very open with me and his sd from the start which I think helped, even so after 6 months or so when we stared to have sd over every other weekend I too found myself struggling and feeling exactly the same way as you are tricks. ITS COMPLETELY NORMAL to feel this way which I didn't realise untill I posted on here and met lots of other stepmums. Its not a case of not accepting the 'past' or the child. It just a huge adjustment, and like someone has pointed out its almost just a big a commitment as having your own child. In fact its harder because that child isn't yours but you are expected to treat and accept that person in you life as you would your own. And yes all us stepmums knew about the child before we got involved but how on earth (without being psychic) are we expected to know how we are going to feel about it untill we are in the situation? There have been times when I didn't think I would be able to handle it, and have really struggled, but with the help of dh and mn we have all worked through things, its taken alot of hard work but we seem to have got there in the end and now we are married and have a very good family life and sd loves me and thinks of our house as her home too.

I think in these situations it is very rare for things to be completely rosy, and there are still times when ex infuriates me , but one major thing I have learnt is to detach myself from her and let things go over my head otherwise I'd go mad, and the most bizarre things is once you've got the hang of that -IT WORKS!!!

Anyway sorry for going on a bit - just thought tricks needed to know that it ok to have these feelings as long as you are willing to work though them to make things better for everyone involved!!!

(Obviously totally disagree with the whole devious and manipulative thing)

HPM2 One thing i notice and it makes me chuckle, is that everyone takes the posts personally. None of my posts are directed to anyone maliciously. They are the rantings of somebody who has an opinion on whats been said. If i posted HPM2 you are crap mother and you need stringing up for your attitude towards the children that have been born after yours in a perfect and loving relationship that followed your broken one. That is a personal remark mad to you and i would expect you to be very hurt. Now breath slowly and let go on with debate eh

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