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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Im not sure i can cope

254 replies

Tricks · 20/06/2005 11:39

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

OP posts:

Guardianangel · 23/06/2005 12:26

They were general comments made to all x partners who stir it up in the name of the kids. You are clutching at straws here. If anyone else is watching this thread can you pop in and help me understand how HM2 could think I directed it at her.

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 12:35

Message withdrawn

Guardianangel · 23/06/2005 12:37

Its got to be said HM2. You have become obsessive and abusive DIRECTLY at me. I will leave you to your rantings and perhaps its time for a cup of tea and reflection.

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 12:42

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 23/06/2005 13:07

GA, can you give me one good reason why a mother shouldn't "chase for money" on behalf of her child, from that child's father?

Why are you condemning mothers who do that?

The disgrace is that mothers should have to chase for money. It should be given without a chase.

Caligula · 23/06/2005 13:12

And the access business - you appear to be complaining when a mother "begs" the father of her children to have contact with them, and complaining when she denies them contact. So what do you want?

Women to curl up and die quietly and let the fathers of their children move on in whichever way they choose and have complete control over money, access and everything else?

Strewth girl, if you turn out to be a man, I won't be surprised.

Starsweeper · 23/06/2005 13:13

I agree that maintenance should be paid. No they shouldnt have to chase for the upkeep. If the situation becomes hopeless is the wasted energy worth expending on chasing when there are alternatives. My first marriage broke down, We split it all down the middle and that was final.

Caligula · 23/06/2005 13:20

Starsweeper, what alternatives?

Guardianangel · 23/06/2005 13:21

if father wants contact for the good of the child then that is great. If father not interested then let it go. It only stirs it up for the child when they see all the conflict. We try to view through our childrens eyes and quite honestly i think we are off the mark.

Caligula · 23/06/2005 13:26

In other words, let men decide.

Caligula · 23/06/2005 13:27

And sod what the child wants

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 14:25

Message withdrawn

otto · 23/06/2005 14:33

GA obviously has issues. I think it might be time to let this thread die as her comments appear to be deliberately inflammatory and upsetting.

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 14:35

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 23/06/2005 14:36

No, it's definitely not the heat HMo2!

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 14:37

Message withdrawn

ninah · 23/06/2005 15:03

Just want to say to tricks, we have been looking at the challenges here, as this is what you are concerned about, but there are also huge rewards in gaining a dss/dsd. I met my dss when he was 10 and I love him dearly, wouldn't be without him.

Guardianangel · 23/06/2005 15:12

Ta ra, go live in your unhappy worlds making mistake after mistake. I do live in my rosy world because I left all my mistakes behind!!

ninah · 23/06/2005 15:14

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 15:15

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 23/06/2005 15:31

My world's very happy thank you GA. But not generally rose tinted.

wobblyknicks · 23/06/2005 16:07

GA - have to say I'm living in quite a happy world because I keep making mistake after mistake, and learning from them rather than just leaving them behind.

As to step-kids, I totally understand that adults have complex and difficult feelings but the point is you get on with them as they come up. If you're a man with a child or a woman starting a relationship with a man with a child you ALREADY have a problem to be tackled, so get on and tackle it, don't wait until someone else makes it a bigger problem for you.

GA, kids ARE innocent, not because they are kids but because they are ignorant (not meant in a bad way). They have no real idea what adult feelings are, or how to manipulate them so how can they deliberately wrong you? You blaming your sd for your PND is like blaming a knife if you get stabbed, its not its/their fault, its the person behind it/them.

As to ex-partners and 'previous' kids, they were there first so although they may not be your highest priority, they should be made as high a priority as humanly possible, not shoved to the side because they're not wanted anymore. Like it or not, their father is exactly that and has a responsibility to the child, regardless of how he or anyone else feels about it. He made his choice when he fathered the child, he can't change his mind when he falls out with its mother. And although the ex-partner is not important to him, they are the child's mother and what is important to the child should be important to the child. You may want a father to forget his obligations to one of his children but that doesn't make it right.

I'm not a stepmum but I am a single mum and as far as I'm concerned my ex can have as many new partners and as many new kids as he likes (although I'd feel sorry for the women and the kids) but as far as my dd is concerned why should he be able to walk off on her just because he's decided he can't behave like a human being to me? We may get some things wrong when looking through our kids eyes but it is a simple fact that we can't all be selfish and even absent fathers need to honour their responsibilities to their kids, whether they want to or not.

HappyMumof2 · 23/06/2005 16:25

Message withdrawn

wobblyknicks · 23/06/2005 20:31

Wise AND wonderful??? Sheesh thankyou!!!!! Thought you and Caligula were putting it all far better than I could, just can never resist saying something myself.

MamaMaiasaura · 24/06/2005 10:49

Want to join in appreciation society for wobblyknicks and have to agree - very very well put wobblyknicks

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