Im not sure i can cope

[Tricks]

This is my first post so i'll just briefly explain my situation.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 15 months - when we meet he had seperated from his wife 6 months prior and from that marriage has a 6 year old son. Ive never been married, am 27 and dont have any children.

Now, i hate, hate myself for writing these next words........ but underneath i resent my partner's child being on the scene, im jealous of the fact that my partner has been married before and has shared the closeness of having a child with some one other than me.

I have not meet my partners child yet, which i think has further developed my negative feelings .. my partner rationalises this, by saying that he cant introduce me to his little boy until his divorce, and settlement is sorted out. So, at the moment i have to stay away whenever his son comes to visit - i feel like a spare part, some sort of little secret, and this reiterates the fact that i feel hes ex's feelings are more important than mine.

The prospect of meeting this child fears me with dread, im not a kiddie person - i dont know what to say or how to act and am so concerned hes son is going to hate me.

Despite all of this i deeply love my boyfriend, and keep saying that this love will see us through, i know i need to be supportive and compassionate (after all his child is still only little, and needs his daddy very much) but inside im full of jealously and resentment and i just dont know how to get rid of it.

Please help me because i dont what my 'irrational' feelings to ruin a wonderful relationship.

So does that mean that you now blame her?

I can understand you feeling very bitter and angry about the fact that her behaviour and that of her mother spoiled those precious first few months with your baby - PND is a terrible illness and I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but I really do think it's OTT to blame a child.

I just don't think it's an adult response to blame children for their behaviour when they've already been hurt by a family break-up and by the sounds of it in your SD's case, are being used as a weapon in the ongoing war between their parents. Sounds like you got caught in the crossfire which happens to an awful lot of step-parents. But your SD also got caught in that cross-fire, and it's not reasonable to expect her to respond to that in anyway other than as a child, imo. Whereas it is reasonable to ask an adult to respond in an adult manner.

there are some children who are simply 'not nice' however as an adult it is for us to try and understand the rational behind their behaviour. i quite understnd the feeling of not particularly liking a child despite rationalising the reason she was a spoiled little foul mouthed miss - was becuase her mother didn't discipline her becuse her mothr felt guilty over having sever depression......anyway i digress

hiya tricks, welcome to mumsnet. am suspecting tht you know its wrong or you wouldn't be posting.
if your partner is going to such lengths to be with his son then it is obvious that his son is very important to him.

until you have a child tricks - no one can possible explain the different love you have as a parent.

you will always be second best. not becuase your an evil step monster - but becuse in all relationships the kids come first - everyparent loves the kids more than the partner even when they have kids together.

tricks, the thing to remember is ......he's only a kid. he is having a pretty shitty time. he is 6 years old and his world has just fallen apart. the two most important people in his whole wide world now detest each other. he probably has heard his mummy call his daddy bad things, he had probably seen his mummy crying a lot.

kids get dirty, kids cry, kids get angry and kids are naughty - thats becuase they are kids. remember that when you do meet him

good luck

I tell you what, its best that the adult child comparison is left in the book on the shelf, not because I dont agree but it sounds pretty condescending when quoted! May be I need to spell it out. I was and still am the adult and behaved in the way an adult should conduct itself given the awful circumstances for ALL concerned. The child was treated VERY WELL. She has and still does not have the foggiest idea of how I feel about the whole situation because I believe children should not be involved in adult emotions. In fact we ought to start 'award an oscar' thread. I WANT BEST ACTRESS FOR HIDING EMOTION FROM CHILDREN IN THE FACE OF MY OWN CRISIS AWARD!![WINK]

at GA re blaming sd for PND!! sorry but complete and utter I am so very glad that it wasnt my child you were step mum to. SOrry if that sounds harsh but at the end of the day PND is not caused by a person. As Cal said even prof cannot be certain what causes it, although chemical levels in brain appear to have a major factor. Of course stressors can trigger depression but they do not cause it!

Tricks - thank for posting - it has helped me understand what I already suspected my dp secretly felt about my ds. THey are now bonding in a lovely way but he is very clear that he is not daddy number 2 but a significant adult. This link might help as well \link[http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/fileadmin/parentline/downloads/Publications/divorce-separation-stepparents/being-a-stepdad.pdf\here}

All the best x

THATS

Awen, it was not her but the things she said and did that caused it.

here

HELLO, IS ANYONE LISTENING.........BEST STEP MUM IN THE WORLD, LOVE KIDS, NEVER UPSET THEM WITH ADULT CRAP.

WOULD NEVER INVOLVE THEM IN THE DIVORCE, OR USE THEM AS AMMUNITION KIND OF MUM. (Thats abuse)!

GA I am sorry but she may have contributed to stress but she did not cause it. It is brilliant though that you are going through counselling at tbh you might think I am totally wrong right now and that is fine.. but I hope that you will see one day that she didnt cause it. It would be like me saying it is my sons fault or xp fault I had PND. It wasnt. Trust me I do know what i am talking about. Hospitalised for severe PND (hallucinations the lot), medication and pyschodynamic counselling (counselling for 2 years). I am now a studnet mental health nurse for last 2 years and prior to that care assistant for mental health for 18 months. I lost custody of my son whilst suffering PND (now back with me) so I do know what I am talking about.

I know i need to sort these feelings out inside my head pronto, im aware that my partners son will soon pick up any negative feelings i harbour so i really need to crack on and kick them into shape. Ive always been a jealous type of person, but im determed to hold onto my relationship and therefore no i need to ditch this 'him or me' attitude.

My partner and I are aiming to move in together at Xmas this year - so in about 6 months time - and i want to make sure that i am as welcoming, friendly and relaxed as i can ...

Dont force it Tricks, it will soon become apparant. Very best of luck to you.

Tricks - by actually seeking out advice and self reflecting it already sounds very very promising good luck

I was about to post the same as Awen. And it doesn't have to be 'him or me', there's room for everyone.

Awen, There is a lot more to it than I am posting and honestly its finished with and frankly not wanting to be revisited. I hope, like you suggest that maybe i find another reason for the PND. After counselling I did find that all arrows pointed in that direction. Anyway, you sound like you went through a really tough time. My experience was horrific, nearly killed the marriage. I cant imagine it being much worse but you are living proof. Glad you are back with the living and doing a terrific job.

Did you see that Caligula? How Awen used her professional manner to diffuse the debate. Very clever indeed.

Ah well - Awen is very clever!

GuardianAngel, my experience was less than positive and nearly killed my marriage too. A friend of mine is also having an extremely difficult time with her stepson, and her marriage appears to be on its last legs because of it. So I know where you're coming from. My problems were mainly to do with dh's ex in the beginning, but then it became dh's attitude and a series of problems with both his children at different times. I felt like I never, ever had a say in anything and it can be very demoralising. Like you though, I always tried hard with the kids and was always nice & accepting towards them.

Unfortunately no matter how much you argue it from your point of view, I doubt you'll receive much support here. Unless people have walked in your shoes and experienced what you've gone through, they will only continue to infer that the problem lies with YOU.

ooo - thanks (the words professional not often used in descriptions of me!!)

Just read LJs post.. was that directed at me?

Message withdrawn

If I couldn't have accepted that my partner had a life before me HappyMumof2, I wouldn't have stayed with him - nor would I have married him. And I wouldn't have agreed to accept his children into my life. But as you are not a step-parent, you don't have the first-hand knowledge of how difficult things can get. Just as you hate people who 'can't accept their partners had a life before them', I get infuriated by people who think they know what it is like to be a step-parent when they don't. It's so easy to give out advice and be condescending when you've never been there before. Have you ever had your husband's child or children living under the same roof as you, while creating havoc at the same time? And watching your marriage disintegrate because of the stress, no matter how hard you try? Until you've been there you just have no idea. As I said, a lot of that is water under the bridge now and I have a good relationship with my stepchildren, I would never want it any other way. They will always be a part of my life, and of my young child's life. And I respect their mother - even when she was giving us a lot of trouble several years ago, I never EVER said a bad word about her in front of those children, and have never shown anything but respect for her in their presence. So I think I've done ok considering.

Part of my income for YEARS went into supporting those children, when I had no children of my own. When they were young we had them regularly ever other weekend, and we had them for weeks at a time over school holidays. We took them on several holidays with us, one of them an overseas holiday which cost a lot of money and I paid for a good portion of it... I didn't have to do that but I wanted them to have fun and remember it, since they didn't normally get to do those things with their dad. So I certainly don't think I fit into the stepmonster category, but I do look back over the years and am amazed at how difficult and painful the hard times were and how constant it was. To be honest the situation ended up causing me major depression at one point and I struggled for months on end to cope with it.

I am just 'over' people making judgements and comments when they haven't been through any of it - they are simply not qualified. The only thing they ARE qualified to say - which is TRUE - is that the child is not at fault, and the utmost must be done to preserve that child's happiness and security. Other than that, you cannot comment on what you haven't been through.

Message withdrawn

HappyMumof2, we are obviously on different sides of the fence. And I respect your position as well, as it can't be nice to be left in that manner.

Perhaps the common perception of women who take on men with 'baggage' (an ex wife and children), is that they know exactly what they're doing and that they are selfish and uncaring when it comes to the relationship between a man and his children. Maybe this is true in some cases, but definitely not all - it's very possible to go into a relationship completely unaware of what you're walking into, and find that with the benefit of hindsight, you probably wouldn't have chosen that path because it turns out to be so difficult. There have been too many hurtful incidents over the years to even mention, but among them was the fact that dh decided he didn't want any more children after he married me (he promised me before we got married that we would have a child) because he'd already HAD his family, and this revelation just tore me apart. We eventually had a child 10 yrs later (unplanned) but he made my life hell for it

I sympthasise with your situation and I'm sorry it happened to you. Marriage/family break-ups always seem to be terribly difficult from every angle and from each person's perspective.

LJsmum, I think that's exactly the value of boards like this - I agree with you, many people do enter into step-parenthood without being remotely aware of what they're taking on and the more people who become aware of what a serious commitment it is and just how emotionally draining it can be, the better. Everyone knows that when you have a child, your world will be changed forever (although no-one ever knows how!) But if everyone had the same awareness of just how much entering a relationship with someone who has children already entails, then perhaps they would either choose not to do it, or they would prepare for it better. I think that's what Tricks is trying to do, isn't it? Just by coming on Mumsnet and talking about it, before even meeting the child concerned, she's doing about 1000% more than most people do. (Not that I'm blaming other people for not preparing, in a sense nothing can prepare you for the experience of any kind of parenting, but I do think it's quite unusual and laudable of her to be thinking so seriously about the issues before they arise.)

I must disagree with your point that you have to have experienced something yourself to comment on it. No-one would ever comment on anything in that case, and what a boring site this would be!