Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

What does your dd think?

If its your house you kick him out, if it's his house you and your dd move out. Who, with even half a brain cell, washes sofa covers in winter, twat. Where is his daughters mum in all this?

Hopefully that he's a complete idiot who she can't stand the sight of

You need to tell him to fuck off out of your life before she grows up and tells you to fuck off out of her life and to be honest who could blame her

You’ve already tried talking to him about it. And he’s continued to be a prick. He won’t change so the decision is, do you stay and put up (and your dd suffer) or leave?

How long have you been together? He’s not very nice…

Why are you allowing your poor daughters childhood to be ruined being bullied by an unrelated man in her own home?

Stop prioritising a bloke over your own child and tell
him to go

Ffs kick him out!

I have almost exactly the same situation, but with 3 teenagers. It used to really stress me out. My husband will literally do nothing around the house because ‘the boys’ should be doing it’.

But…I simply point out that they are my children, I have 2 jobs so pay for everything they need, I never ask for any ‘favours’, lifts etc and I raise my children the way I want. They are good, respectful teenagers, (who can be lazy if not asked to do jobs!). Never any arguments, swearing, door slamming etc.

I keep very calm about it with my husband and that’s the only way I can cope. It makes life very difficult however and you have my sympathy

Does the keep her room clean, tidy after herself, do her own washing, help with a few chores per week, etc? I think all that is what a 16yo should be doing, the rest is down to the preferences and expectations of the parents.

But honestly, it’s not his problem. So long as she doesn’t constantly make mess that he’s having to tidy (it doesn’t sound like that’s the situation). You’re her parent so it’s you who decides really. I think maybe he needs reminding that given she is still a minor in the home, it’s not really expected that she should be doing as much as you or DP. She should definitely help, but it sounds like maybe he expects her to be doing as much as him.

I wouldn’t bring his 7yo into it because it’s not a comparable age with a 16yo.

He does the things his DD needs. But she can be a whinny kid so he spends most of his time with her trying to please her and ‘turn her around’ as he puts it

What do you think would make it stop?

him moving out.

100%, plus we have a weekly cleaner so it’s not like our house is a mess at all really.

He makes out she needs to be more independent which is laughable from a man that lived at home with mummy and daddy until he was 33!

It probably stems from that completely....a view that women are supposed to do housework/chores and the fact that he has to do some while a young woman doesn't means he's moaning. It shouldn't be she is doing the stuff he would normally do. It comes across as subconscious sexism.

It is good for all children/teenagers to have some chores - my 7 and 4 year old sons are expected to help around the house though.

I think you have been clear you simply state your not having the discussion with him he is perfectly capable adult. But on thw flip if your 16 year old doesn't have regular chores then it's a good one to do but because it's a life skill for her not because of his moaning.

That would be a huge turn off for me, as in entirely turn off any respect and interest for the man and jettison him. How dare he order your daughter round like Cinderlla, it's such a power move! Inventing tasks for her to do, absolutely ridiculous. She's your child. Not a room mate.

If she's sloppy and messy and it's in the shared areas then he might be justified saying something to YOU and you then rectify but sounds like that's not the case. Simply put, he's picking on her. She will see that too.

Your poor DD being plonked in this situation. I would tell him that from now, he stops any mention of DD or he moves out. He sounds jealous and mardy.

You need a proper conversation with him when neither of you is angry, in order to get to the bottom of where this is coming from. Does he think she needs help to develop life skills, or that she takes advantage of you / him, or is untidy or does he feel disrespected by her, or does he think this is all women's work ...? Maybe he feels jealous of her? Is it tit for tat because he doesn't like you commenting on how he parents his daughter? You won't get anywhere without understanding. However, you need to be clear that whilst you will listen to his views, YOU are her parent and will decide the way forward.

i laid the law out quite early with regards to the girls. As in, he is 100% responsible for his DD when she is here and I am for my DD.

On the most part he respect this. I attend parents evening alone, spend time and money when and what I like on her, he knows she has quite a bit in savings that I have put aside for her etc. but he does nag at me about her, her lateness (never affects him at all), her lack of help around the house, the time she goes to bed and gets up, all really have nothing to do with him.

meanwhile his DD had Biscoff on toast with marshmallows on top washed down with spite for breakfast, in front of the TV all morning and that’s ok because she is 7 and he doesn’t see her much!

Either one of two scenarios here:

1. he see you as Mum with him and your daughter competing as siblings on jobs to do
2. he expects women to do the lions share of work.

either one means you should kick him out for your poor daughter’s sake

Is yours an arranged marriage or culture thing @Heysham1? Otherwise it’s not clear why you would stay in a relationship with someone who treats you and your children like this?

Just tell him his opinion on your almost adult daughter isn't needed thank you, and keep saying things and see how quickly all your opinions are irrelevant because you won't be here.

What is his aim in picking at or having opinions on how a 16 year old girl who isn't related to him and who he hasn't been a father figure to, behaves?

Why are you ignoring what 90% of responses are saying?

Urgh this! How off putting!

I wouldn’t stay with a man so intent on picking on my child. It’s a common behaviour, he views her as a cuckoo in the nest

She isn’t keen on him tbh, but doesn’t have much to do with him.

She just thinks he is a moaner which he is tbh.