Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

it wouldn’t matter what she did.
he doesn’t want her around.

Your poor daughter, this is HER HOME !

How quickly can you move your boyfriend out as surely your daughter comes first...

I don’t think many 16 yos are washing sofa covers. He should keep his nose out.

What housework does he do? Imo the adults in the house are responsible for domestics. The DC are responsible for doing well at school and learning to be independent by the time they leave for uni.

How are you putting up with a bloke who is ordering your daughter around likd she’s the maid? What is that teaching her about her role in the world. He’s a prick but you’re also modelling the 1950s subservient little woman too by the sounds of it. Your poor dd.

I think it’s disgusting when a mother would bring a strange man into a teenage girl’s house. The home should be her safe space and not where an unrelated adult man can bully her.

I admit it annoys me too. Bringing an adult male into a house with a teenage girl doesn't sit right.

He doesn’t seem to like her much, or view her as part of the family (rather than just a drain on resources) and that wouldn’t be acceptable to me.

Absolutely disgusting. Step the fuck up @Dontknowhowtofeelx

This sounds really awful for your daughter. I am all for working together as a team to do house stuff with teenagers but he shouldn't be calling the shots about what she does. You are her parent. Also, when expecting help from teens I think there should be some agreement about expectations and some choice about when/how it gets done not someone telling you to do this random job now. I would hate that. In our house, we sometimes all clean (usually due to impending visitors) but everyone picks an area and does it. I think bursting into a teens room to demand they do a chore right now would not lead to family harmony.

He doesn't sound like he likes DD and he sounds like a resentful sibling, not an adult. Are you sure you want to live with him? It isn't sounding harmonious.

I don’t think this will get better @Dontknowhowtofeelxand I don’t think he will change. He has his opinion, he thinks he’s right and this will only ramp up during her teenage years. You will become more resentful as the difference between his treatment of his child and yours becomes more obvious.

It doesn’t sound as if he likes her much, is he generally kind and thoughtful with her or do you see this in other areas too?

If he is living in your house I would tell him you’re unhappy with the situation and he should leave.

If you are living in his house then maybe that’s an area causing resentment for him?

As your daughter gets older this may cause huge problems; those teenage years are tricky to navigate at the best of times; if she’s coming in late after being out with friends or back during uni holidays with a ton of laundry, and he’s complaining about her while he’s running around after his princess.

It could cause a huge rift in your relationship with your daughter so it does need to be nipped in the bud.

His responses to you sound very much like gaslighting to me.

Im sorry but I think you are seeing the real him!

Your child is living in a house where a man a looking for faults in her behaviour all of the time. She must feel so uncomfortable in her own home.

What will probably happen is she will want to leave as soon as she can so she will either go to university and minimise coming home or she will get into a relationship and move too quickly by moving in with him/her to get away. It’s a tale as old as time. And she wimpy even have a good relationship model to base her own on.

Who made him the boss? Is it your house? I couldn't put up with this.

Which is probably exactly whats he's hoping for.

Please wake up, OP.

Get rid 🚩🚩🚩🚩 this is seeing how much he can control you to control her . It's a pick me scenario for him .

I had a stepdad similar to this, I felt pushed out and unwanted as a teenager because my mum didn’t stand up for me. I left with the first (terrible) bloke who came along and had nothing to do with them for a few years.

I look back now and see that he had no idea about children and blended families. He didn’t mean any harm, he was just trying to step up, parent and install independence, responsibility etc. The intention was lovely, but the delivery was completely wrong. My mum is who I hold more responsible because she was my parent and should have set the boundaries.

As an adult, I am very close to him, and he’s the first person I turn to for advice or help. I do view him as my parent now, but it took a lot of time for us to build that relationship and something he had to earn. It’s not something that just appears because you all move in together.

Nothing he wants to drive a wedge between you . He's jealous.

Was about to say the same.

I agree with PPs he doesn't want her around and she shouldn't have to live with a bully. Her teen years with her lovely Mum just overshadowed by this petty moaner. And you have the power to change it. You know he won't change OP.

I also see he says you have "lied" about X or Y or that you "shouldn't have promised him" X or Y and that you say you've done neither.

How could this possibly be OK? He's undermining and denying reality. It sounds like he's trying to gaslight, even if it's not working bcos you recognise it. But how stressful and infuriating.

I think you should do some reflecting on what's going on here and the impact on both you and DD. She needs you to protect her and you can get rid of him, she can't.

OP please get him to leave. He is jealous of your DD and immature. Honestly this environment is so toxic for your DD. It will undermine her self esteem and ruin her relationship with you.

My best friend grew up in a similar environment. 40 years later her mother’s relationship has long since broken down but my friend is fairly low contact with her mother. They get on ok when they see each other a couple of times a year but my friend has never been able to properly get over the way she was made to feel a nuisance in what should have been her safe haven.

I agree with the others. If you want this to stop you need to get him out. He's clearly not going to change in his behaviours. Whatever his problem is he's not going to tell you nor is it your problem

Your poor daughter.
Yet again a prime example of the good old blended family.

Is this your house and he moved in? Did you move into his house? Did you move into a house together? I don't understand why you would allow your daughter to be bullied in this way. Are you that desperate for male attention that you'll allow this vile man to terrorise her like this? Get a grip!

Get rid of him. What a baby. He is clearly resentful of your dd.

This happened to a friend of mine when her boyfriend moved in with her, constantly going on about her doing stuff for her kids - saying they should be doing their own washing, making meals, doing housework. It's just jealousy. She kicked him out thankfully!

How long have you lived together? Has he always been like this or did it start once she reached a certain age?