Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

Your poor DD having this in her home that should be her sanctuary. Why are you foisting that on her? Get rid of him.

Why is that your problem? He's a grown man. Get him out of your house. It's your daughter's home. Why should she be forced to live with someone like that?

You're unreasonable for making her tbh. I know this isn't AIBU, doesn't mean you're not. Better than standing up against this twat for your daughter is for her not to have to deal with him at all.

I will always defend her over him and he knows that!

You don’t though do you?

You’d like to think you do, but what you are actually doing is letting this spoiled manbaby bully your daughter, while his daughter rules the roost in your house.

It sounds like the plot of an excruciatingly annoying pantomime.

What does this man bring to your life?

I'm glad you are standing up for your DD, but you need to step up and do it a bit better by kicking this waste of space out of your house.

Your DD has indicated that she doesn't like him, and who can blame her. Especially after what she heard him saying today. Show her that SHE comes first for you, by getting rid of him.

Then move him out, seriously what's holding you back, has he destroyed your self confidence too. Presumably the mother of his daughter kicked him out?

I think it’s that if she does more, then he can do less. She and you are both female, so he thinks that you should do everything.

This is an unhelpful situation. He knows he is really in wrong, hence sulk. If I was the dd, I would do all i could to be out of the house if he is around.
It sounds quite sexist too. Like he's grooming your dd to be his servant. Not literally but its got that flavour. I feel a rusty pink flag about it. Rather than a bright red one. As it sounds like she has to get used to him specifically giving her chores she has to obey by his nagging.
Behaviour like sulking, needs addressing. Moving him out, at least for a while, until he talks to you properly, and learns how to behave toward your dd. Its a slippery slide occasionally

You will feel the hugest sense of relief once you tell him to leave, OP. And your daughter will, too. Don't subject your daughter to this abuse anymore. She's doing 4 A Levels plus EPQ plus does part time work then gets picked on by this waste of space man in HER own home which should be her safe space.

Kick him out and relish the freedom and relief that will follow!

I will always defend her over him and he knows that!

literally the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing for 3.5 years. Just saying it doesn’t make it true. Your actions are putting him first every single step of the way.

If you’re not enjoying living together there is no future for your relationship really. Also it sounds like he’s trying to make your DD uncomfortable so that she moves out for good at the earliest opportunity. Do you really want her to never come back during the uni holidays?

He does work.

I just think he is one of those people who just is never happy and that is excruciatingly boring.

and to be clear he is sweetness and light in front of DD, she is not being bullied by him.

If anything I feel worn down by constantly being in the middle, being moaned at and telling him it’s not his bussiness

But she IS being bullied by him - via him bullying YOU into making her do unnecessary stuff at his demand.

The OP has explained she has a cleaner, that her DD keeps her room tidy, will cook for herself (and for the family, if asked), walk the dogs etc. It’s not OP’s partner’s place to make sure the OP’s DD is ready for life, it’s OP’s. The fact that he’s said more than once that OP told him her DD would do more (when OP did not say that at all) shows that this is about his ego and not the DD’s readiness for life.

Get him gone OP. He is adding nothing to your lovely party X

But you said he invents jobs for her to do. That sounds like bullying. It’s a form of control over her.

OP - don't you see how just plain cheeky and entitled it is for him to complain about your DD in his situation of having ''no where else to go to'' ?
Tell him he's a grown man and needs to provide some where else for himself (but you might date him occasionally if he doesn't make a fuss about going).

So what exactly does this mood Hoover bring to your life?

It doesn’t sound like you even like him very much. Stop wasting your life on a shit bloke - tell
him it’s over and free you and your DD from this dark cloud

Put your daughter first and tell this sulking, moaning Disney dad to go back to mummy's

OP, it sounds like you are in the middle of sibling resentment rather than an adult. Your DD is sounding very mature and lovely, there is no problem and yet he is spending time complaining she hasn't washed sofa cushions (who has?) whilst applying a totally different approach with his own DD. Could you rent him an AirBnB for a month and see if you want him back? Bet a fiver you won't.

Get rid of him.

Get him out!

Its your house and your daughters home and he’s come along throwing his weight around - the sheer cheek of the man!

And he brings his bratty daughter into your house! Jesus. Your poor DD. Seriously get him out before she goes to uni and never comes back

Kinda sounds like he's wanting both of you to keep the house running while he only has to make sure his princess is pampered.

Get rid of him, watching him still treat his daughter better, as in when she's 16, I can guarantee he won't be expecting everything that he wants your daughter to be doing. You'll be so resentful towards him, especially as you're seeing the difference already. You and your daughter deserve a more peaceful, happy life.

A chain of bullying. She will be aware of it. Does she fet praised or PAID at all or just criticised over attempt?

Of course he is bullying your DD.

Your DD is not stupid, she can read the situation and almost certainly already has. She has already said to you that she doesn't like him and now she has almost certainly heard (from the kitchen) what he really thinks of her.

The only way to fix this is to get shot of him. Where he goes is his problem, not yours.

You need to follow through on your threat. Neither you nor your daughter needs this man in your lives.

He is pushing to see who you are loyal to, him or your child. He will keep pushing and will raise the stakes no matter how compliant you become. Choose your child now, and put an end to this.