Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

Any partner who treated my child like this would be gone. He’s turning what should be a safe place for her into a place where she feels watched and uncomfortable. Her self esteem and general enjoyment of her home will be taking a bashing too.

please kick this arsehole and his belongings right out of her home and life. She comes first and deserves better. You both do.

Lol at every word of this but especially the folding of the clothes.😂
I am really frightened by the calibre of people who have a vote.

No way would I stay with any man who was like this with my daughter (14)
her home should be a safe happy place not having some man moaning about her and making up jobs for her to do.
why are you so desperate to keep this man that you’d let her grow up like this ??
I just don’t get it it makes me so angry that you would allow a man to be like this over bringing up your daughter by yourself and giving her happy memories of not being on edge around the “stepdad “
she deserves better from you

Also posts like this make me happy I’m choosing to be a single parent to my teen daughter

Read all the OP’s posts and you can feel happy for her, too.

Wow I had a stepfather like this and feel so validated. He moved in with my mom when I was 25, and paying half the mortgage. He treated me as if I was the help (probably thinking I was a freeloader?).

I moved out quickly

Your daughter sounds brilliant- protect your great relationship.

He on the other hand sounds like a wanker. I'd be getting him some binbags and cardboard boxes pronto!

Try reading OPs posts. You've missed a whole heap of stuff.

There are some big red flags for mr here and reading about his behaviour and fixation on your DD has generated a knot in my stomach. he is fixated on your DD and how she should, in essence, serve him in some way. I’d get him out of the house asap.

despite supporting him and accommodating his controlling instincts, he feels you and your DD owe him and should be working harder for his convenience and comfort. He is not her father and he is framing his relationship with her in a transactional way. His mindset seems to me to be an early rung on the ladder that leads to abuse. He has put your DD not in a “child” box, alongside his own DD but in a box where he feels his relationship with her is an extension of yours, an adult sexual relationship.

im not suggesting that he has done anything, or that it’s a certainty that he will, but that if your DD isn’t keen and it’s been a while, she’s telling you in the ways a small child can that she is not safe around him. His perfectionism is a kind of controlling behaviour and His fixation with your DD is apparent and very concerning, even if its manifestation isn’t currently abusive.

id tell him to go immediately, change the locks and remove him from any safeguarding lists he’s on.

100%. Glad someone else has the same instinct.

Well done for getting rid. Hopefully he will leave quickly and your life and your DD's life can get back to normal.

I’m so happy for you and your daughter, that you are ending things. Very well done for seeing sense. 💐

He's picking on her because he doesn't like her and doesn't want her around. He is essentially scapegoating her. Honestly I would ask him to move out. It must be impacting her self esteem. Also, he probably sees her as a full grown woman and therefore she should be doing all the housework, as is apparently a woman's role (but not a man's?).

Not your problem.

He is 43 nearly 44

He is going, no doubt about that even for him. His Leo moon is hurt and bruised and that’s enough for him.

I had never been in to horoscopes really but it peaked my interest as @Madamefroufrou’s post really resonated. Have been doing some reading about to all.

I am Sagittarius, so this was doomed from the start tbh, but also means there is no way some whinny man is going to stifle me and my DD in my own house. If he thought he could control us in anyway that is now over!

Ok so if he moved in with you around 3.5 years ago, he was independent for only 6 or so years. He’s got no business saying that DD needs to be more independent!
His mummy and daddy will definitely still have his bedroom kept for him 🤣

Sometimes, as parents, we can have rose tinted glasses when it comes to our own children. I am not saying OP’s DD doesn’t do lots around the house, but it’s something worth considering, and thinking about it from her DP’s perspective. My partner would probably argue his DD’s do things around the house (they definitely don’t).

Her daughter is an intelligent young lady who will be studying hard. She needs to be cut some slack. I didn’t expect anything from my kids at this age other than keeping their rooms clean. Guess what they have turned into great people.

That’s great for you and your children. Not all households operate the same. Me and my partner both work full time and we have 4 other people in the house (2 of which are adults / near adults). I don’t expect to be tidying up after that age of ‘child’. I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect plates and cups to be put in the dishwasher, food packaging to be put in the bin, bins full of sanitary products to be emptied from en-suites, shoes to be put away in cupboards not strewn across the floor. I don’t think any of these are unreasonable expectations, it’s common decency to tidy up after yourself.

Oh OP. I was honestly happy to hear you asked him to move out. Your DD will be able to rest and be zen in her own space.
You are a wonderful mother!

My so-called dad used to do this to me when I was a teenager. He’d burst into my room demanding a pan lid was cleaned NOW or would take my brother out for a fun day while I was left with a list of pointless chores to do (and I mean pointless!). We’re surprisingly no contact now. Don’t allow this to escalate DP, do what’s best for your daughter and get rid of him.

It sounds like he doesn't like your daughter and he is trying his hardest to make things hard for her. I would be telling him to leave her alone

You have a DP problem too. Stop picking up after his adult children and get him to do it instead. Stop being a doormat. You are worth so much more.

I don’t anymore. I don’t tell them either (to preserve our relationship), but I now leave all tidying up to DP and flat out refuse to do it, even when it’s really irritating with bins overflowing onto the floor 🙄