Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

Sounds difficult. I wish I would have some words of wisdom but I don't. I didn't let my fiancé move in partly because this could potentially happen. I parent my kids myself. They don't speak to their dad or see him. Then, once they have all flown from the nest, I'll consider moving together/ getting married.

He's trying to be dominant and assert a pecking order...grim.

You'd think he'd be trying to make your DD feel safe (if he was a decent man).

This!! Why on earth do you live with him. I feel for your daughter, you could really show her some positive role modelling and boot him out.

I’m sorry but I’d get rid. He’s treating your daughter terribly. Does she ever say anything to you about how she feels about him? He’s controlling and you both need to get away from him.

Your house, your daughter = none of his business. I believe 16 year olds shoudl be encouraged to do chores because it teaches them how to run a home. But that comes from a different place. I think he is jealous of your daughter. Kick him out.

Applauding you putting yourself and dd first ! Be prepared for him backtracking and creeping back Ione reality hits - stay strong !

I’m glad you’ve come to this decision. I live alone with my 16 year old daughter and it’s brilliant. She’s just starting her A levels and works hard. I don’t ask her to do much but when I do she’s helpful and does it with good grace (just put the bins out for example!).
Since I read Victoria Smith’s Hags I see a lot of male behaviour through the lense that men consciously or unconsciously see women as a resource for them to exploit. So with your soon to be ex, for example, you’re his woman so he’s entitled to what is yours, to your labour, and he sees your daughter also as someone who should be working to deliver a benefit to him.

Your dd sounds awesome. Your dp and his dd sound entitled and spoilt. Maybe print out a week to view 7am till bedtime calander sheet one for each of you - write on each chore, task including homework and work that each one does. A different colour for each. Then you’ll have a visual representation of look I do this much, dd does this, what exactly is your contribution dp?
Id insist he steps up and also stops raising his dd to be a brat or its goodbye. As others have said it’s likely he will never change
Edit to add - Ooops just spotted you’ve already decided to get rid!

this is a really awful situation to be living in for your daughter. How uncomfortable. He needs to go

Good decision @Dontknowhowtofeelx

Sounds like it could be about control rather than the jobs themselves !?

It's a power thing, he's trying to wield authority over her, and show that he can make her do something imo

the men are generally nitpickers, fastidious, critical, never let up with it in fact,
will run a finger along surfaces after the cleaner has been for example,
when challenged they will say they just want improvements,
they will say and do the sMe thing at the sMe time, they are habitual and
rarely late, they hamper independence, humourless, mean spirited and
famously fiscally mean, count money out precisely,
make excellent accountants, short arms deep pockets,
pedantic, bullying bores

sexually they like to book you in, they will carefully remove their clothes,
fold or hang them before sliding into bed and going through their usual routine,
which is both mechanical and predictable, they are unimaginitive, unworldly,
unsexy, prudish, puritannical, strait laced and dull

feel free to cherry pick ^^ if he isn’t virgoan then he should be, or perhaps
has many/mostly virgo rising signs

either way he is not for you

Same for me.
He was a sulk and wanted everything his own way, he also wanted all my mums attention and hated us spending time together without him being there 😡

He won't stop, he's trying to control you both, remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them

Said with no hate but why oh why are you maried to this cretin again?? The environment for your daughter must be awful, there's no way she doesn't feel this. For the sake of your relationship with your daughter please don't question if you're unreasonable, take swift and decisive action to stop this. Or you will find she'll grow up and move far away from you and that home. Tough love but you need to hear it.

Oh please tell him to fuck right off. 😂. I think you and your Dd will both be much happier without this deadweight round your neck!

Even if it's for your own good" just shows how he believes he knows better than you and that he's top dog and knows better than you what's good for you.

She's 16, time to teach her to muck in - no question.

Typo of the Year. I'm dying... 😂

This is him. And he is a Virgo. Christ, to a T, especially the first bit!

He's going to be THRILLED when his wages have to be included in her student finance assessment, but her own father's won't. And he wont be assessed for his own dd when her turn comes, either. (Assuming you are in England). Seriously, I'd be giving him his marching orders, he sounds unpleasant.

He’s asserting his dominance and making sure you and your daughter are quite clear about your place.
Does he have any redeeming features? He’s making an awful atmosphere for you and your daughter.

He shouldn’t be asking or telling your daughter to do anything, that’s up to you.

it’s very difficult when you are with someone who has kids from a previous relationship, as they don’t see them daily they seem to think the red carpet should be rolled out when they do stay over. I put my foot down with that straight away, if that’s how he wanted to behave with them he can live elsewhere, when we are under the same roof all children are treated equally that comes to gifts, chores and discipline. A lot of people on here seem to think step children should take priority when they are with the other parent but that’s also not fair on the resident children who notice this disparity.

Glad you've told him to leave, OP. He sounds like a complete twat.