Fed up with DP going on about my DD

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

Need to vent / ask for support?

DP and I live together with my DD(16) his DD (7) stays every week.

I do everything for my DD, he is not expected to contribute financially or practically with her. Very occasionally he may drop her somewhere but only if it ties in with what he is doing, but that is all.

He seems to think that she should be doing more around the house than she does, even though we have a cleaner weekly, I work from home so walk the dogs in my break etc. he will invent jobs for her to do (last one was wash the sofa blankets) which she agreed to do then he went on and on and on about it until she did it (as in he asked in the morning, moaned all day until it’s done a few hours later). He also helps with dinner for example and then moan the whole time that my DD could be helping.

I have just been making dinner and DD was helping me and I took some washing out the dryer to be folded, he was standing around so I asked if he could help, immediate moaning that my DD should be doing it. This time she was in earshot, so I did snap back at him and said that he does not get to constantly go on about what my DD is or is not doing.

He has got the hump with this, saying I promised him that she would do more to help us, (I didn’t) and tbh there is not much we need to do anyway? I have said that if he continues to make snide comments about my DD not helping as much then he won’t be able to live with us anymore and he is sulking now.

For the record, he is a Disney dad with his DD, she will help with jobs like carrying some logs in from the shed but is also very spoilt and gets away with whatever she wants. But I am not allowed to mention that because ‘we only get to see her a couple of days a week’

I just feel angry that he feels he can dictate to my daughter, but I guess some people would say I need to find jobs for my 16 yr old to do?

There’s no bigger fool than someone who massively overestimates their own intelligence.

He has no idea about life as you and your daughter experience it, and absolutely no idea about parenting a teenager.

If the relationship has some value to you that isn’t obvious to me and others here, then keep it but live separately and put a hard boundary around parenting. Your daughter will thank you for that and you will both enjoy the peace. That will also mean you will not get dragged into the colossal fuck up he’s likely to make with his own child.

But it seems obvious that you could do a lot better

@Dontknowhowtofeelx

My mum had a partner who lived with us and whilst the situation was different, I have honestly never forgiven her for ruining our peaceful life by adding him to it.

Well done! No more freeloading moaners. I wish I could see his expression when he realises his meal ticket is over.

@Dontknowhowtofeelx you say he has impossibly high standards… but it seems to be with regards to everything other than his parenting of his own child. Your daughter sounds lovely. I have a DD same age and I agree she needs support and love and space, not some controlling twat giving her jobs to make him feel like the big man.

Well done @Dontknowhowtofeelx all best wishes to you and your lovely daughter.

Tell him your house your daughter and your rules and if he doesnt stop telling a child which isnt his what to do he can.eff off,.who the hell.does he think he is,

Sounds as though your studious daughter is doing okay to me.

Honestly, I'd throw away the whole man.

I don't see the relevance of having a cleaner. Everyone should contribute to looking after either themselves or their home according to their ability and what is fair. Teenagers whose parents have cleaners shouldn't be more lazy than other teenagers.
Does she do her own laundry?

Oh dear. What a pity. Never mind.

Honestly OP, good for you. You’re doing the best thing. My mother’s partner had impossibly high standards and was controlling and never happy, it was a miserable household and It completely eroded our relationship and my self confidence even now. Preserve your relationship with DD, it’s precious.

I'm a coming up for 70 widow with a face like a melted welly. It's amazing how attractive I became when a bloke realised I owned my own house.

Must be my personality.

This is abuse, gaslighting you & your daughter, using the excuse of improving as a way to manipulate you into sex or whatever else he feels needs improvement.

op I suggest you do Claire’s law and do the freedom program course so you can break the pattern by understanding signs.

once you decide he is out I think you will need to make sure he is out the same day incase he escalates into aggression.

if this has really been a slow change then you already have a pattern of escalation in manipulative control tactics from reading all your replies.

good luck

@Dontknowhowtofeelx has he ever even lived managing by himself without women looking after him?

Omg! why would you say he is a Virgo?

what does ‘sex is formulaic’ mean?

You have a bright, intelligent daughter in a million … yet there are a million men like him on the scrap heap after the ex has mugged them off ..
Nobody wants that sort of man around their daughter, constantly picking faults and making her feel ill at ease in her own home .
Concentrate on your relationship with her and nurturing those ambitions and show him the door 🚪

You are excusing him massively by just excusing his behaviour as him being a ' moaner '.

and oh what a shame he has nowhere to go, I guess he has plenty of savings tho by only paying you 1/3 of the costs and £0 towards his daughter staying with you when she does.

He can book hmself a airb&b big enough for him and his daughter - if one is empty then he can stay in it the very same day...

That's not your problem, it's his.

I would have no problem with asking him to move out, and I'd be sending him with a full run-down of what I think of his pathetic parenting of his own daughter and my prediction of how badly her life-chances are likely to be affected by same if he doesn't buck his idea of responsibility up massively.

I am glad I can nip this in the bub before it takes over.

I have already posted before about his DD and the way she is being raised. And now this. It’s a shame as he did have some nice qualities, but I don’t need a man to be happy and this one is a misery.

He actually isn’t putting up any resistance to the end of the relationship. Apparently I can’t handle anyone telling me anything even if it’s for my own good and he will be ‘surprised’ if DD ‘copes’ at uni. 🙄 but ‘won’t be his problem’ which is wonderful news for all.

It’s a shame as he did have some nice qualities, but I don’t need a man to be happy and this one is a misery.

Even Hilter had nice qualities!!!

Everyone has nice qualities.

I think you have made the right decision.
I can imagine things getting a lot worse when as his DD gets older - I can’t imagine her being expected to do chores etc and that’s going to create resentment and tension.

Nothing would make me more angry than someone going on about my DD, especially when they’re so well behaved.

I think you know the answer both you and your daughter deserve better than this , maybe couples therapy can help, but failing that he doesn’t seem willing to be flexible. Do you want this forever, what would he be like with any of your potential grandchildren in future . Wishing you the best of luck , making some decisions move forward

He sounds so draining & dispiriting. How soon is he leaving?

Why did you move him in if your daughter didn't like him? She's had to share her home with an unrelated man that she dislikes, and who clearly doesn't like her much. You've pretty much said that you don't want him there, so why haven't you kicked him out.

Well, I'm certain that your daughter is going to be a great success. Plus your life will be so much better without the dead weight round your neck.

Ask him to stop and if he won’t ask him to move back out.

His gaslighting is not a good look plus your DD deserves better than have to be on eggshells around him in her own home.

What a depressing thread.

Not just the op but the 4 or 5 other posters stating they are in a similar position.

Why are people putting their children's needs so far behind their own? It's bloody disgraceful.