Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

Er, if their dad can make them beans on toast I'm sure he can manage making them plain chicken and veg of their choice. Why is cooking solely your job?

Is this an enjoyable relationship for you? A part time parent who won't even cook for his kids when he sees them and tries to manipulate his new girlfriend.
It doesn't sound fun, which is the whole point of a relationship.

Personally I do think for 4 nights a month there could be dinner that everyone can eat. Like plain chicken with veggies on the side and sauce for people who want it. However, very, very reasonable that your partner does the cooking and planning for that. Is there a reason he can't?

I’d say to him the weekends they’re coming “let’s do a menu plan” and work on what will work or a combination of something but to be honest beans on toast is dead easy I wouldn’t have an issue with that!

The days the SC visit are the days he does ALL the cooking (and he should do 50% of all the cooking). Tell him that's what the plans are in future.

I think it’s a bit rubbish to decide without discussing it with your partner, or to pre-warn the kids. It’s also rubbish that you’re left doing the cooking - can he not cook the nights his kids are there?

I'd let him cook the 4 days of the month that they are there. I'm buggered if I'd be making a choice of food, I'm not running a restaurant.

I've had 4 kids and just cooked one meal. If you didn't like it then you ate the bits you did like and made yourself a piece of toast if you were starving. Or you sucked it up and stopped being fussy.

'We get on alright'. Break up now.

I don’t think you did anything wrong and i would ‘t cook lots of different meals.

Are there are common meals such as jacket potatoes, but one has cheese with it, and the other beans, for example? Or cook pasta, but do cheese sauce for one , and keep it plain for the other?

What the actual fuck?

Why are you expected to cook separately for them?

Cooking for them as part of the family meal, is in fact, the opposite of excluding them. It's including them.

If they want something separate, the other adult in the house has to deal with that, no one should be expected to do a separate meal.

At 14 and 9 they need to learn to eat what everyone else is eating. Obviously minor adaptations are fine, so no reason why you wouldn’t hold the gravy for those who don’t like it, or take pasta out before you put the sauce in for those who want plain pasta (on a night when you are actually having pasta), but otherwise they get on with it.

But if Dad is happy to accommodate multiple different meals, then that’s fine, he can do that. It doesn’t need to be you cooking.

He cooks, problem solved.

For those 4 nights per month, he should do the cooking. Problem solved.

Unless OP did something unusual to the chicken, then surely she DID make plain chicken with sauce (gravy) and veg on the side to choose from. That's exactly what a simple roast is.

YANBU to make one meal. Fair enough to accommodate fussy tastes but not to the extent they're always completely happy if it's to the extent of wanting plain pasta. This was a good easy meal that accommodates most fussy needs listed in the OP.

Out of interest, what did your DP expect when he complained it looked bad for him to make beans on toast whilst you ate your dinner? For him to sit eating his whilst you did it? Why on earth would that be any better, exactly?

He sounds lazy and off-putting.

Your position is of skivvy au pair, and cook.
Of course he's going to be pissed off when you don't do your job.

He certainly doesn't want to cook and feed his children, that is your job.

You are being used and I feel very sorry for your daughter witnessing this.

Is this really what you want to be modelling for your daughter?

If your partner has an issue he can cook for his children.

I honestly would never have made separate dinners to begin with. You cook, they eat it or don’t eat. The end.

If the same rule for your DC, then no YANBU.

This is dinner, eat what you'd like and leave the rest is the rule in our house, too.

But...they DO like chicken. You did cook something they like.

Roast chicken is as plain as you can get - what was the matter with them eating chicken and potato?

They are giving their dad the runaround

Can the 14yo not make their own toast? Stick beans in a bowl in the microwave? I'd be tempted to say DIY.

This. He is being g very unreasonable expecting you to cook multiple meals after working all day.

I sounds like what you cooked met their requirements anyway?

I always thought I'd be a parent who refused to cook sperate meals and then I got DS2 who really would go days without food if it was something he didn't want. I used cook more or less the same but the way he wanted it. So e.g if I was making chicken casserole I'd cook a few carrots and a chicken breast alongside. In the roast situation he'd have had the bits he liked, as you suggested.

I guess there’s some context needed - does he do other stuff and cooking is your thing? Does he do anything with/for your daughter?

just on the cooking alone it makes sense for all the food to be ready at once so would probably have been better to have had the conversation first but given you made something plain it seems odd the kids turned it down. I wouldn’t have thought it would have been an issue given what you made

I also don’t understand why you are doing all the cooking. This is why I can be arsed dating men with children. They just want an unpaid skivvy.

I have no issue with making separate meals for children. It has worked for us, and now DD is 17 if any of us don’t fancy the same main meal, we sort ourselves out. We can all sit together and eat different things, it’s not hard to do. But if they are his children and they want something different, then he should provide it.

That said, a roast dinner seems perfect. It’s no big deal to cook some pasta alongside it if they eat plain chicken and pasta.

I think whoever's turn it is to cook dinner should cook one meal that is suitable for all family members. That said, plain roast chicken potatoes and veg would seem to fit the bill, unless you knew in advance it wasn't a dinner they would eat.