Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

It's not reasonable to expect a full different meal.

I'd expect the family meal for 4 nights a month to be well separable, so everyone can get something from it - chicken with potatoes or chicken with bread in this case, plain pasta if pasta meal, ...

So the question is - what is the difference between your roast chicken and the plain chicken they would eat?

I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well

Well precisely. What was his response? As he says, they’re only there 4 nights a month, I’m sure he can manage to feed them. Did he cope feeding his own kids before you moved in together? If so why did it change after the move?

Also, you were working in the morning yet you were expected to make lunch? Why? He should have done it while you were out/wfh but he didn’t and then had the fucking nerve to complain about it? Cheeky bastard.

He’s sounding pathetic, lazy and nasty.

Does he not have arms?

I agree

I was going to say this-it's fair enough if he was working or something, OP, but if not, is there any reason he can't? If they have allergies or whatever that's different again, as you'd both need to watch what was even in the house, but if they're just picky, then it's up to him if he wants to go along with that.

His DS has eaten roast chicken before, thats part of why I was a bit annoyed yesterday as it wasn’t anything different to what I’ve done before. He just said he didn’t want it without even trying it and then his DD said she didn’t want it either. I wouldn’t have minded so much if they’d tried it and genuinely didn’t like it.

He did used to feed them before we lived together yes, although I think he probably did more easy things like nuggets and chips or beans on toast rather than proper dinners. I do cook most of the time because I’m better at organising it and don’t mind cooking normally, but I don’t think that means I should be doing 3 different meals every time they’re here. He does other things round the house so its not like he does absolutely nothing, but cooking has definitely just become my job without us really discussing it.

And I meant dinner not lunch in my OP, I’d been at work in the morning and was making dinner

I'm sure he can, but isn't that what OP had made anyway.

He only has his kids for dinner 4 times a month?! Wow. And even then he expects you to cook a second meal for them. Why would you do that?
He's telling you that you need to make an effort, but he doesn't?

YABU. It’s not that you want to stop making them a separate meal but it’s the way that you handled it. You should have sucked it up for today, as is the precedent that has been set. Then have a chat with your partner before next time to explain that you wish to stop but if he doesn’t agree then obviously the job of cooking for them separately will be his responsibility. You don’t just pull the rug from under the feet of your step children.

But - she literally did cook something they would eat? Plain chicken?

If its "only" 4 days a month then surely he can cook on "only" 4 days a month if your cooking the rest of the time

He’s certainly not doing his kids any favours and his first step should have been to encourage them to eat what was there rather than rushing for an alternative

i have a very fussy dd and I always ensure there’s something she will eat but if what I make is a complete fail for her then she gets a sandwich. She recognises now that her eating will limit her and she is trying harder to try things (she’s a bit older than his DD)

Ok, so you've made the food expecting they should like (the relevant part of) it, but they decided not to. And I suppose they were asked which parts they want on their plate and they said "nothing".

In that case, it was not something you could have expected and there was no reason to cook another meal "just in case", so I'm not sure what does your DH imagine you should have done.

If you don't want to share cooking with him on his children's days, I'd continue with the separable, not separate meals, and if an honest attempt to include them in the dinner fails, let him to sort them out.

Oh his arms are fine. The real issue is that very sadly he doesn’t have a vagina, so therefore can’t cook for his children.

It made him look like he had to sort out his own kids meals......

From now on he can cook for everyone when his kids are over. It's only 4 days a month. Problem solved.

I agree with this.

Great. Yet another bloke who thinks it's a woman's job to cook.
Tell him to start cooking for you all if he thinks you aren't doing it right.

I don’t see the issue with not wanting to cook loads of different meals after working.

However you were BU to suddenly decide to change the goalposts with communicating this first.

What should happen is the 4 days his kids are there he cooks the family meal and either does 1 meal everyone
will eat or he does different things for his kids and something for you him and your DD.

but you need to discuss it first.

Unfortunately this was a conversation for before you moved in together. My dsd was told like it or lump it when it came to dinner, I did take note of a few hates (eg mushrooms) but basically it’s one dinner, push to the side what you don’t like or make your own. A 9 year old is quite capable of making beans on toast! Dsd lived with us full time for 3 years and she went from I don’t like to many things to eating 95% of all foods and tolerating other things if cut up small. I simply allowed her the same as my dc, 5 dislikes only, choose wisely!

She made something they’d eaten before but this time they refused to even try it. She didn’t change the goal posts and there was no pre discussion needed.

I think you are doing them a favour trying to teach them to eat the perfectly good food they’ve been given and that making beans on toast for someone who’s rejected roast chicken is ludicrous.

Yes I think the situation is a bit different to how you presented it OP

you cooked something they would normally eat and when you refused you didn’t jump up to make something else. So instead of you making it and him sitting down to eat nice hot food- he had to do it. So he’s very unreasonable!!

For those four nights he can cook some separate plain boring stuff for his kids and then something else for the rest! Honestly pathetic that he’s throwing a tantrum at you, you’d been at work and he’d not sorted it himself. Of course he only sees his kids 4x a month and has recruited a maid to wait on them (and him!) hand and foot.
why are you with this man?!

His children are fussy eaters because they haven’t had their pallets extended beyond pasta or chicken.

Your relationship has already failed because he is expecting you to cook for all. On their weekends over he should get in the kitchen with them. He can cook for you so you get the rest on those weekends.

Just cook plain pasta & chicken for lunch & dinner both days they are there. Maybe he will get fed up but you can say “your children are being fed”. -