Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

He doesn't treat you with respect and he's gaslighted you. He's starting from the assumption that you are the maid.

Fuck that nonsense. You need to come down hard on this.

If they are only with you 4 days a month I think their dad can be in charge of cooking for everyone those 4 days. It doesn't matter that you are better at it, it doesn't matter if he does easy stuff like nuggets. It's only 4 days a month, you can put up with these imperfections and he can deal with the hassle.

She did.

He can cook for them then , what a cheek and they sound like a PITA and deliberately being difficult

OP isn't running a canteen! Having to be responsible for the never ending domestic catering operation just because you have a vagina is totally rubbish anyway and there's no reason why the OP should have to pander to fussy step children by cooking multiple meals. In future, her DP should be responsible for providing all meals all meals when his children are staying over.

Why are you attracted to a man who is such a shit dad?

apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. A man was cross because he had to prepare food for his own children!? Just no. No, no and thrice no.

And the bit where he doubled down afterwards, and instead of apologising for being a twat accused you of "making no effort" after you'd just cooked a dinner for then that they'd eaten happily before? That's the next bit where you should have read him the riot act.

He must be an unmitigated arsehole, OP. No decent man would behave like this. What else does he do that's bonkers, lazy and manipulative?

If you’d cooked something purposely they didn’t like and you knew that beforehand then fair enough but if they just said they didn’t want it then tough, they can make themselves some toast or cereal or something instead. He has no right to get annoyed at you.

Have you told him how you feel not cooking 3 different dinners ? Did he then not offer to cook for his children and if not why not? Think this needs a you and him discussion or resentment will creep into your relationship.

Can you read? Yes. Can you understand what you read? No.

Theycould have eaten what you made, they chose not to. I'm with you, YANBU.

Your parter however is if you are chief cook and bottlewasher as well as working. Lets hope he will take on more home chores on the days his kids are around in future...

Well done for standing your ground.

This.

I’d encourage a ton of 1:2 and1:1 time with him and his children, including arranging their food.

I really like being single and living just with my gorgeous girls. You have experienced that, so it is completely bewildering to me that you would find living with a man so selfish and lazy that he can’t ever cook his own kids a proper meal, and yet somehow expects you to, more appealing than being single.

Why should the 14 yo cook when her dad who is way older than her doesn’t even bother.

This

OP I cannot get over the fact that you cook all of the meals.

Even if he didn’t have kids this is absolutely bonkers.
Surely you’d want a couple days off from cooking a week?

The fact that he has kids and he doesn’t even cook on those days is completely batshit!!

TBF this is a
house he visits 4 nights a month. Not exactly his home is it; he likely feels more like a guest than someone who can make a separate dinner himself

They are his children, he needs to start pulling his weight. Does he wash and iron their clothes or take turns with all family laundry etc etc.

I wouldn’t do that for my own kids. Your partner had better be cooking a whole lot more from here on. I’d tell him I want the privilege he has, of coming home from work and having a home cooked meal, and I most definitely want the privilege of sitting on my bum while someone else cooks two or three meals because he hasn’t brought his dc up to try food, and I want to know where he gets the nerve to think he should be sitting on his bum while I cook 3 separate meals to keep his children happy when their dad should be telling them that’s dinner and they can eat it. And that from now on the only dinner 2 nights a week is his cooking and if he’s a lazy arse who just gets take away or beige freezer shite you don’t want to live with him anymore.

Well kind of this I suppose. Although flip it round and the only nights their mum doesn’t have to cook, you think he could do better than nuggets etc.

But then he is clearly a shit dad so maybe not.

Beans on toast for everybody next time?

When you say living together since January do you mean that he moved into your house?

At the those ages they can sort themselves out with what they like if they don't like what's cooked or their dad should cook for them.

They could have eaten it. They chose to not even try it & it’s not mentioned it’s due to allergies.

God I'm so glad my kids step mum cooks to their preferences for the 4 times a month they see each other.

Could dad do it? Yeah. Is that how their house runs? No. She likes cooking (as far as I know!) and cooks meals all the kids enjoy (hers + mine) or feeds the fussy children earlier and the older ones later.

I do the same at my house. You have 4 meals a month where you can cook something everyone likes, just do that rather than a 'eat it or leave it' attitude.