Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

YANBU!!!!!!

I think everyone was a bit unreasonable here. You stopped doing something out of nowhere, he didn’t back you up, somehow cooking is always your problem, he barely sees his kids, you moved in together really quickly and the kids are probably quite unsettled… it’s a lot.

Nope. My SD was a nightmare with food. She had Daddy wrapped around her little finger, and knew it!! She would only eat about 4 things!! He would make a meal for her and then she still wouldn’t eat it.
I’m afraid I lost a lot of patience with him over it and said I would make food and she would either eat it or not. If she didn’t, she could have weetabix.
she started eating loads of new things when we stopped pampering. He hated me for it. Said he’d divorce me for starving his child. I pointed out I wasn’t starving her, I was helping her expand her palate and she couldn’t live for ever more on 4 items of food. (She was 4).
guess who sees her more now?? It’s not him???

I think it is a bit odd that nothing is prepared for the DSS and it has not been discussed. I would work out how you sort this between you. The obvious solution is that he batch cooks two or three things that they like and puts stuff in the freezer. Then this can be served when they come round. At the core here, comms does not seem to be great in this relationship. Is he not doing any cooking ATM? If so this has to change as well.

Why not just swap the days that you cook?

If the days he cooks falls on the days he has his kids then he can choose to cook what he wants.

How come he has them so little? And why doesn’t he cook the meals?

He cooks on the 4 nights they are here

Their dad could/should be doing it, but come on 4 nights a month when you are cooking anyway, it won’t kill you will it. Just throw some nuggets and chips in the air fryer, it’s 4 times a month 🤷‍♀️

Not your kids, not your problem. He is their parent - he needs to cook for them.

Its just the arrangement him and his ex have had for a while, they live with their mum and he has them alternate weekends. Its not that he isn’t allowed to have them more, thats just what they agreed and the kids seem happy enough with it. He does see them in between sometimes as well.

He can cook, he just doesn’t really bother doing proper meals if its just him. Before we moved in together he’d do easy stuff for them and they were happy with that. Since we’ve been together I’ve ended up doing the cooking because I’m home more some days and I actually enjoy it when I’m not rushed, so its sort of become my thing without either of us really deciding that.

I think he sees it as me being funny about cooking for his kids when to me its more that he’s decided because I cook anyway I should automatically be responsible for sorting out whatever they eat. I don’t mind making something they like but I don’t want to be stood doing 3 separate dinners while he sits there.

Is this a nice setup for you and your DD? You have maybe another 6 years of her living at home left, do you really want her to spend them with a man who gets angry with her mum for not being a compliant enough maid for her step children?

Bin him

No I think what happened with the roast chicken was perfectly fine. You thought they would eat it, they wouldn't so their dad sorted out something else. The only thing that went wrong was that he sulked about it. Just tell him he's being a dick, that you're trying your best and making a big drama of it isn't helping anyone. This kind of blended family arrangement is bound to be tricky and if the adults can't navigate it with a bit of humour and grace then not sure what the point is really.

The 14 year old is old enough to cook. She should be planning and cooking one dinner every time they visit. You can buy the ingredients and dad can oversee her.

The main problem is that you haven't told him to fuck the fuck off. How do you think this man will behave when you are old and vulnerable? Do you think he will care for you? He's already not on your side.

Did you did exclude them? Yes. Did you have to? No. Why on earth can't you cook one meal on 4 nights a month that everyone can eat?

Partner cooks for his fussy eater children from now on.

Or serve everyone beans on toast four times a month.

Partner can do one, frankly...

Why on earth can't the father of the children cook for those children?

She did cook a meal they had been happy to eat on previous occasions. Then they moved the goalposts by deciding after she had served it up that they were not going to eat it after all.

Did you did exclude them? No, cooked plain chicken which they usually like but randomly turned their noses up at. Did their dad exclude them? Yes because he can't be arsed to cook at all and dumps that boring duty on nanny-with-a-fanny. Why on earth can't he cook one meal on 4 nights a month that everyone can eat? Fuck knows.

There, fixed that for you.

She cooked food they had previously eaten. They refused it.

No rug was pulled from under anyone.

What happened here is that the children are used to playing games around food, and the enabling father thinks it's OK to sulk when the designated kitchen maid won't play.

If it’s only 4 nights a month then that applies to him too - he can make the effort

I plan, shop for and cook all meals- if anyone wants anything different they have to organise that themselves. Your mistake was giving in to it in the first place, tell your DP they are your kids if they want something different you need to organise it, or persuade them to try what you cooked.
Your DP sounds pretty unreasonable to be honest, telling you you are unwelcoming and expecting you to cook 2 separate meals as well as working- outrageous.

Are you the dh?

@copperlane27 if he can't be arsed to cook for his kids that's on him. I'd be rethinking the living together thing though if he thinks that makes you his and his dc's skivvy.

Why on earth can’t their dad cook a meal everyone can eat 4 nights a month?