Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

He is indeed being utterly unreasonable, for all the reasons people have listed.
Hopefully this is a wake up call for him. Definitely do not return to cooking, or cook, multiple meals due to his DCs' fussiness while he sits down and relaxes!

RTFT. She made the same meal she’s made them before, which they have eaten before. They didn’t this time but she couldn’t have known that.

it made him look like he had to sort his own children out

The fact that this is a problem for him is all the reason you need to dump him and his fussy whining kids!

Nah, he's an adult, he can cater for his own children if they don't like what you've made or better still, he can take over all the cooking on their visits and he can flipping plan. There's nothing in your DNA that means you can organise better than him, that's just weaponised incompetence.

They're being allowed to be fussy, too fussy. He should perhaps get them cooking with him at the weekend, try to introduce some new foods that they want to try - make pizza with their choice of toppings etc, make it fun.

As for his attitude towards you - well, it reeks of entitlement. I don't think not cooking 3 different meals while he sits on his arse equals you not making his children feel welcome. It's a shitty thing to say and I hope he never says it again going forward.

This.

Sounds like they just didn’t fancy it. Which is quite rude. If they then went ahead without even eating any it’s not the OPs job to make more food. A 14 year old is more than capable of making some toast!

Just advise him that you won't be cooking separate meals going forward. You're happy to cook for his kids as well, but if he would prefer to cook them a separate meal instead, that's fine.

Just let him cook something everyone will like on those 4 nights, problem solved.

So he's basically an absent father who can't be bothered to do the bare minimum on the 12% or so of the month he does see them? What a prince.

He can do all the cooking. Problem solved.

My step children are very fussy. They are 13 and 15 and we have lived together for 8 years. On the days they come for dinner - he cooks for them! I refused from the start to make multiple dinners. We have 2 children together and on those nights I eat with our kids, and he cooks for him and his two. It works well and zero resentment

You RTFT. OP was in a gurn, tired and CBA appeasing her stepkids so made a point. It wasn’t the same meal. She added things she knew they didn’t like then said leave those things. That set the tone. It was a passive aggressive move, imho and you don’t have to agree.

I'm all for teenagers cooking the household dinner regularly but I don't think it's reasonable to expect this in this situation when she only visits two weekends a month, and she'll effectively be cooking in her dad's girlfriend's kitchen. I think the least the dad can do is arrange food his children like when he sees them so infrequently.

I think you are being unreasonable. If he only has children over for 4 evening meals per month, that is important quality time he has with his children. Insisting he does the cooking on those days will take his time away from the children (assuming he is attentive with them during this time). He is also right in that knowingly cooking things his kids won’t eat could make the children feel that you resent their presence.

I would suggest backing down on this one, with a caveat. You provide the meals his kids eat, you are not their parent and it’s not your task to push them to eat properly, your focus should be on supporting your partner to ensure his limited time with his children runs smoothly. As suggested by others on this thread, an option would be to cook something very plain with sauces separate etc so yourself and your kids can add things at the table…that may avoid the need to cook completely different meals.

The caveat with all this…is that he should be doing his fair share of the cooking, or contributing in other ways such as housework…if he’s not doing his fair share that needs addressing. I don’t see why he needs to be doing that share of the ‘work’ specifically on the 4 evenings he has with his children…however there are plenty of other days in the month where he could be stepping up and for example doing the cooking so that you have more quality time with your own child or for other activities.

That is the ‘give and take’ in a relationship…you should do the lion’s share when his children are there, including going out of your way to be accommodating…but in balancing that out, you should be getting a lot of support from him at other times and he should be going out of his way if needed to support your own parenting and quality time with your child.

One important thing to remember is not to put the children in the middle of this situation if you are struggling with a relationship dispute. His children spend the majority of their time with their mother, so if there are problems with their eating habits or their table manners etc, she is the cause of that as she is the main influence…how your partner chooses to deal with that on the 4 days is up to him, your role is to support his relationship with the children…causing any bad feeling with the children could have more far reaching impacts. For example, if the children started saying they didn’t want to come your house because they felt like you didn’t like them…that could turn this minor issue over how to cook 4 meals a month into something that could massively impact your relationship.

Provided he’s pulling his weight in other ways/days, I would suck it up and not make a problem out of it. He’s present as a father so presumably a decent man, and the kids sound like they are a handful but not in your home much and so you have very little responsibility/work involved really, so it doesn’t sound that bad.

Another thing, depending on his budget, would be to suggest he takes his kids out for a McDonalds etc occasionally if the situation is annoying you (fussy kids tend to have a miraculous ability to eat when fast food is offered).

Yanbu on the cooking - he can do it himself if he wants his kids to have something different.

However yabu to move your poor 11/12 year old daughter in with a man after you’ve only known him for a year and a bit, poor girl.

I agree with pp who says that, who does what, needs to be talked through again. Did he babysit your children while you were at work? Done any housework etc? His children are fussy eaters, you aren't prepared to not eat a full, proper meal, so what his children are going to eat needs to be preplanned and who is doing it.

I think the issue is the amount of notice you gave. If you'd said I'm only cooking one meal from tomorrow, then fair enough. But you kind of dumped it on him. I'm surprised it took you so long though.

This.

Sounds like some communication is needed. You are right that you shouldn’t be having to cook multiple meals, but I can see how it took him by surprise as you have been doing it and that has become expected (not that it should have!) but then you’ve abruptly put an end to that without warning. Again, it’s not right that it’s turned into an expectation, but the fact that it clearly had, I would have said beforehand that from now on you won’t be doing it and let them know what to expect, where you just sort of dropped it on him at the last minute while you were eating dinner, basically.

Now that you’ve explained where you’re coming from though, he shouldn’t be carrying on trying to get you to do the cooking for his kids. He should accept that although he’d come to expect it, that expectation was not actually reasonable or ever discussed or agreed. So he can climb down off his high horse and start taking some responsibility for feeding his kids.

“he only has children over for 4 evening meals per month, that is important quality time he has with his children. Insisting he does the cooking on those days will take his time away from the children”

nonsense! If he’d never met the op and was still single then he’d need to cook for them when they visited! He can always involve them in making the meal with him, that way they spend time together and might even become more in tune with food and try new things - win/win.

Father of the year has his children for 4 nights per month and has the audacity to tell YOU to make more of an effort.

Christ, I could never date a deadbeat dad like this.

My late husband's adult children claimed to be vegetarians, so I always cooked a separate version of whatever the dish was when they ate here. For example, when we had guests round, I had chilli con carne for the majority of guests but used Quorn mince for the kids' version.

We later found out that they'd actually eat fish or chicken...They just didn't want to eat red meat. (They'd eaten red meat before they moved away from home.)

When he retired, DH took over the cooking. In later years, I was caring for both my parents and my husband. DH then insisted that he wasn't going to add to my workload, so he booked us into a restaurant any time we all had a meal together - they lived a distance away by then - and he paid for it.

There's no reason why @copperlane27 should be doing all the cooking.

I have one very fussy child and honestly by about 10 he just sorted himself out if he didn’t like what we were having. Their dad needs to teach them how to make a sandwich or beans on toast and then let them crack on if they won’t eat what you’re all having.

Presumably they are visiting him because he has told them he has time to see them

Time to see them includes cooking for them.

I'd compromise and say we can all eat the same meal and he can cook it for everyone.

If he isn't willing then that tells you everything about him: he wants an easy life. That means you in the kitchen.

Id just let him do the evening meal for the whole family on the nights his kids are there.

Yes, good idea - they can be his nights to cook for everyone!