Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

I’m just trying to imagine a situation where I only saw my children 4 nights a month, and when they did come, I couldn’t be arsed to cook for them. And then, if my boyfriend did, getting angry with him if he didn’t cook them individual things.
it just wouldn’t ever ever happen.
it constantly amazes me on mumsnet how often women put up with being treated in a way that they would never ever dream of treating someone else.

This isn't about dinners

This is about the relationship. Time for the OP to think about the bigger picture

You are definitely not being unreasonable, OP, but your DP is.

You made roast chicken, which his kids had eaten before, but this time didn't want to eat it. If he was happy for them to eat a different meal, then he gets to cook it.

As others have said, why does it 'look bad' if he's making them something else while you eat, but it would have been totally fine for him to eat his meal while YOU made them something else?!

I agree with PP, make him responsible for cooking on the nights his kids are staying. (As long as that doesn't mean you all eat chicken nuggets! 🤮).
Have a calm conversation with him to set it up, he hasn't really got an excuse not to cook 4 nights a month!

The real issue here is about his children using food as control. It's one of the few things they can take a stand over and make a decision about.
They have also been used to things like chicken nuggets etc with dad and now you serve up seemingly healthy food. It's a rebellion. Pure and simple.
Whether they realise that this is what they're doing is another matter. But you and their dad need to be united in how you approach meals next weekend. You both need to cook it together. Ask all children to contribute to meal planning and cooking. If he says no to this plan, then you know that you are actually a nanny with a fanny.

My sd was awful at this, so I sat her down asked for 4 dinners she would eat, matched that with what my dc ate and that’s what she got every visit. She mentioned being bored a few years later of the same meals so I asked for more ideas and she refused so I continued as I was.
i wasn’t running a restaurant and my dh did cook too and help in the kitchen

What a shit dad.

It's not difficult for you/your DH to decide that every other weekend, dinner is pizza night or pasta night or whatever it is that is low stress and everyone enjoys. It's completely unreasonable for you to be cooking separate meals for the children and your refusal to do so with the sunday roast dinner is the signal that you cannot tolerate this anymore.

Ideally your DH would cook for the whole family these 4 nights of the month. An acceptable alternative is that you cook 2 of them and he does the other 2. If he does not gratefully accept this proposition and acknowledge how lucky he is to have you and put his thinking cap on to make this better both for you and for his children... then that tells you what kind of person he is... a crap father and a crap husband.

Wtaf?? He can surely make the dinner the 4 nights he has his kids?

Do you cook and clean for him or does he do 50%?

Honestly I’d be telling him to fuck off, sounds like he’s using you as a maid with benefits. I bet he’s taking advantage of you in other ways e.g. bills. If this is his attitude no he’s moved Id tell him to move out and stick to just “dating him”.

Have you had that conversation with him OP? About it having nothing to do with disliking his children, but more about an unreasonable expectation from him for you to sort their meals because you sort meals most days

If after that he still feels you’re being unreasonable, I’d suggest that going forward, when his kids are over, he can sort their food as well as his own and you can sort yours and DDs

So he barely sees his kids and won’t cook for them.

Throw this one back or at least ensure you are on bullet proof contraception

@copperlane27
Let their daddy do all their cooking and as for his claiming that you only cook stuff for your child well, you raised her to eat whatever she was given whilst not pandering to her whims
So then after a few months of beans/spaghetti on toast they may realise how good they had it with you
And in that scenario
They may even be wolfing down McDonald's
The "fussy" eaters they are

Why doesn’t their father cook for them since they’re so fussy and he’s complaining they don’t feel included? FFS.

She thought she had. They had eaten this meal before. Read the post.

Nip this in the bud now OP, I will freely admit i am a fussy eater and my brother is even worse, this is likely because my Dad loved cooking and was more than happy to make three different meals on a Saturday night so everyone got what they wanted. Mum didn't enjoy cooking so weeknights would be ready meals or oven chips. My husband is totally different, he will.eat pretty much anything cos in his house it's 'you eat what your given or you go hungry'. Tell you husband thats how it is now, he facilitates their fussiness, so unless he makes them something else then they eat what you make or not at all.

The step kids have eaten roast chicken before but just didn't want it this time.

Why shouldn't their dad be the one to make them something else? He should be doing at least SOME of the cooking for the family.

I think his reaction shows a really poor attitude and if I was OP I'd be thinking over aspects of my relationship with this man.

Yanbu!

I dont pander to 5yo asking to eat crap like plain pasta certainly wouldn't for a 9yo! Especially if they've eaten the roast before. Surely at 9 and 12 they can make themselves toast if needed. Pretty pathetic parenting from their dad on all counts tbh.

Absolutely nothing wrong with saying that you will cook one meal only. I do think it would have been fair to warn the kids in advance that you've made this decision, but now they know. Also, when you say that your DSS has eaten roast chicken before, does that mean your DSD has not?

Anyway, if the kids don't like what you cook, their dad can sort them out, as he did today. Or he could just cook for everyone on the weekends he has his children. Simple. He barely sees his children by the sound of it. Maybe he could make cooking together a shared activity that could strengthen their bond.

Stomp on this OP. You are not his servant.

If you'd been working why didn't he cook?

Getting chippy with you is utterly unacceptable. At 14 and 9 they could have made beans and toast themselves.

Your DD is seeing this...it's harmful.

I think it is perfectly fine that if they don’t want to eat the main meal then their dad makes them beans on toast or the 14 year old could make them.

She’s not unreasonable. She cooked something they’d eaten before. She couldn’t have known that this time they wouldn’t even try it.

Do they have dietary needs or are they just entitled and fussy? We all ate what we were given when we were kids. My mum wasn't running a restaurant, we didn't get to pick and choose and throw tantrums!

I think the idea of meal planning with your DP for the weekends the DSC are with you is great. Preferably cooked by him.

For 4 days a month they should be served food that they will eat. Not clear why it should be you making it though.

but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

He does have to! They're his kids, they're the fussy eaters, it's his job! It sounds like they could have had some of what you made and if they don't like it (or part of it) they or he can get some toast.

He thinks you're not only his servant but his kids' servant. There is absolutely no reason he can't make some meals for everyone and for his DC when needed.

My DD was a fussy eater for a lot of her childhood so I do get it's a faff, but she learned to like more things gradually by trying them. What you made was reasonable and it's fair for him getting them something else.

I'd be having words with this bossy sexist dickhead that he does his fair share and meets his own DC needs and stops seeing you as everyone's skivvy, or else he can be single again and do it all. (But I am totally out of patience with this shite and never living with a man again.)

4 days a month nothing. Bit passive aggressive OP. Different of you’d said beforehand but sounds like you were making a point but decided not to communicate it to anyone.