How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

What was your original plan for the day, before she “caused issues”?

It's hard to find activities that work for a 5yo and a 13yo. If you went to a theme park I'm not surprised that she wanted to go on some of the rides too - was she really expected just to watch DS do the young kids rides?

Seems fair she had an hour on rides suitable for her - or pointless her going to watch her brother going on younger rides all day

crying at 13 is a bit extreme to not go on a young ride and guessing daddy gives in a lot due to guilt

it would have been better for her to say can I go on some bigger rides sometime today and no teats

• tears

You have to accept that outings with more than one child are often more difficult and have more issues than outings with one. (And it's not just step-sibs - if it's any comfort a child-psych once advised my DBro to just take my nephews out separately!) Especially if there's an age difference. Going off for an hour with her Dad while you and DS enjoy yourselves is a sensible solution. Don't let these things spoil the outing for you, the day doesn't have to be perfect all the way through to be worthwhile.

All kids crave attention @Dinosaursloveunderpants1 the ones who don't get what they need crave it the most and get it in whatever way they can - often by acting up.

Her dad needs to give her more,not less

🤔 there is an 8 year age gap. I'm not sure what you expect. Doing little kids stuff can be boring. How did you plan to involve both kids und how was it communicated?

I remember DSS once being all dressed up in white because he didn't want to go to the playground with us & DD 4 or 5 at the time. They have 10 year age gap. I thought it was funny & clever protest and it's part of family history now that they are both a lot older.

What's wrong with her getting an hour to go on rides? Was she expected just to stand there all day and watch her stepbrother?

Have a day with elements for both of them. She needs accommodating too. Ask her what she would like to do. Your DS has his needs met on weekends she’s not around. Your 5 year old could have enjoyed seeing her on a few rides. I think trips have to be planned around both of them. She will want attention when she’s at her dad’s! It’s obvious so give it some thought on how to include her in a positive way.

Was she just meant to stand watching the 5 year old?

You weren't expecting her to stand about all day doing nothing @Dinosaursloveunderpants1?

And of course she wanted time with her dad, and well done to him for going off with her.

I'm sure you were capable of looking after your son for a bit.

I ask about your plan for the day, because I have a DD13. Lovely girl, kind, patient and selfless (gets it from her dad 😂) and doesn’t have to share her dad with another child who
lives with him full time (I say this to illustrate that she’s coming at this from a stronger position than your DSD). And even my DD would kick off if she was required to watch her younger brother going on rides all day and wasn’t able to go on any herself.

I agree with a PP- your DH needs to give her more, not less. She looks all grown up to you because your DS is so little. But she’s young, probably hormones everywhere, and needs to know she has a place in the family.

My kids are 9 and 12 and theme parks are hard as the oldest is tall enough for the big rides and the youngest isn’t. We end up spending the day separately and going on the rides each child can go on. I don’t think she did anything wrong here wanting to go on rides. Finding activities for both kids will be impossible in your case

She's 13 her emotions can be heightened because she is a teena.ger she wants to spend time with her dad but the rides were not suitable she was overwhelmed and upset, her dad took her on rides she would like, i don't see why you see her as an "issue"

This isn't a step-child thing.
This is an 'age-gap' thing. Whether they are full siblings, cousins or family friends whatever.

I can see why she got annoyed or upset thinking she was just dragged along expected to do nothing.

We have a 14yo and a 2yo... sometimes the 2yo is brought along to his older brothers activities and we have to find a way to appease the toddler. Sometimes we have to bring the teen to toddler places and we need ways of appeasing him. We have been to theme parks where we explicitly outline "OK, we will go to the older section now and tiu can do 3 rides, then we will go to the toddler section for 3 rides, grab a snack and back to the older section etc".

What was she meant to do all day? She can't go on the little ones' rides. DS is too young for the bigger kids' rides. Dividing up for an hour makes perfect sense though it would be better for her to develop better strategies than crying.

Did she start off crying or was it that her needs were ignored to the point where she was crying in frustration?

There was nothing wrong with your DH's solution in the scenario you've mentioned. Swap it around sometimes if DSD is agreeable.

You need to meet the needs of both DC, sounds like DSD is great nearly all the time. She is another child of your family and not an aunt or adult relative of your DS.

I'm glad her Dad stepped in and took her away for an hour poor kid!
Your child doesn't trump your DSD just because its his birthday, I don't know what you expect.
We are a blended family and the children have a 5 year age gap, on days out we take 1 child each and then meet for dinner, rides/shows that both children wanted to see/do.

How much 1-1 time does she get with her Dad? Sounds perfect that he and she were able to go off for an hour and enjoy themselves on the bigger rides! Families with dc with big age gaps or different interests have to do this all the time! No wonder she was in tears at the prospect of having to stand around watching her brother. She’s 13 - it’s a difficult age anyway, as far as their emotions are concerned, without the added complications of split families, and it’s a big plus that she’s close to her brother. Cut her some slack and factor in that she probably needs her Dad to herself sometimes.

This. Of course she wanted to go on some rides. This shouldn't surprise you.
She gets less time with her dad than your ds does, so any weekend activities when she is with her dad, should at least have something for her too.

Yeah, I don't see how she has caused any issues here. She's just being a 13 year old and wanting to spend time with her dad. I don't think its unreasonable for a 13 year old to crave attention from their dad who they only see every other weekend, not that what you've described sounds like attention seeking anyway

I mean, it’s a bit immature crying at 13, but of course your husband should have expected to take her off to go on some other rides. Did you expect her to not do anything all day?

Do you have any examples of her actually causing issues? Because this isn’t one.

There's no context to the crying, though. We don't know what else happened that day, how her relationship is with the OP etc

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention

She's only 13! Have some compassion.

Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy

You're the one causing issues @Dinosaursloveunderpants1
This child sees her dad for two days out of fourteen.

How would you feel if you only saw your little boy every other weekend? You're being massively unreasonable.

“No resilience” “Craves attention”?

Her life has been turned upside down, her father is no longer permanently in her life, she is going through a hormonally difficult time.

She is a 13 year old and YOU are expecting HER to make a blended family work? Give her a break.