How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

I think this is an issue - does DH ever take time out to do 1-2-1 activities with her so that she is centred?

I could be wrong but I get the impression that it is frowned upon by OP, I had a SM like this, she couldn't see the point of me, but would insist on us doing everything 'together' because she would never let me and my dad do anything just the two of us, and even if we laughed together or shared a joke she would pull a face and then act annoyed. I'm sure she would have preferred me not to be going places and doing things with them, and she made it very clear that I was a person to be tolerated, not cared about. I used to feel enormous pressure as a child to behave in a way that she approved of so she would like me, but the more I tried with her the worse it seemed to make it, I would often end up in tears because it was all so confusing, hurtful and difficult to comprehend as a child, which she saw as manipulation and it made things worse again.

My dad sort of always went along with it and it was the thing that was never mentioned, one time I asked to go for theirs for tea on a day that wasn't my normal one afternoon a week, he agreed but obviously hadn't cleared it with her, so when we got in she went from smiling at him, then seeing me to frowning to slamming cupboards, shouting at my dad about bringing me there, I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out then he drove me home in silence, I would have been around 10 at that time.

Some people should just not be step parents, if you see step children as nothing more than an inconvenience to your own life, you should be having good hard look in the mirror OP, she isn't there to annoy you, she is a child with thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, and she didn't ask to be part of a blended family.

I think first of all you’ve got over the hardest hurdle which is that the children like each other and like spending time together! Given their age gap, that’s v heart warming!

13 is often a difficult hormonal age. Given she only comes every 2nd weekend, I would just make sure you’re doing things that both can do together. One of Dp’s DDs was like this (tears all the time etc.) and I just turned things around to make sure it was stuff that wouldn’t provoke that reaction. She’s only with you a short time and you don’t know what type of parenting she gets at home (maybe tears have always worked).

Lovely that she is great with ds - focus on that part and try and find things that make both of them happy.

And yes that might mean she has some time with her dad on her own and time with you all together

Does she get plenty of time on her own with her dad? Where she is just the focus of his attention?

I think a lot of dc would be upset about missing out on a ride they wanted to go on (and presumably had queued for) at a theme park tbh. You've said she's emotionally young. It seems like you're allocating the crying to deliberate manipulation rather than a dc who's struggling to manage their feelings.

Look at it from her pov - it must seem like your ds has everything (two parents he lives with and give him attention and nice things) and she's trying to make sense of what it means that she doesn't have that. So missing out on a ride might feel a lot bigger than it looks to you.

I think it would be unkind to only take the favourite child to a theme park, and that would make her feel worse. It's clear she needs more scaffolding from adults - so talk about height restrictions in advance and make a plan so she knows in advance if she can't do something (and can do an alternate). Maybe make a plan about what to do if she has big feelings and needs some cool down time.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me to separate for a bit when you have siblings of such different ages, maybe it would make you less angry if you planned in advance for you to take a dc each for an hour after lunch or something like that?

My eldest is from my first marriage.

When he visited his dad, at first EOW and then once a month, his step mother insisted that everything was done as a family with her two children.

One of the reasons ds decided to only see his dad once a month, and even less as he got to 14/15 is that he never spent time with his dad alone. It always had to be with his stepmother and her children (boys similar in age to ds).

He needed time alone with his dad. I remarried and had other children, but me and my dh always spent alone time with ds (he was 12 when his first sister was born), so why his own father couldn’t manage that, I’ll never know.

Ds was a completely different child at his dad’s house - disruptive and sad. He was acting like that to get attention, but his dad wouldn’t listen, and ultimately, it lost him a close relationship with his son.

Your dh should be spending time alone with his daughter.

Her parents split up and she is 13 and dealing with what life threw at her. 13 year olds tricky at best of times. Does DH have 1-1 time with her?

So you were expecting her to walk around and watsh SB riding the rides? She didnt do anything wrong here

If both the children were yours you would still have the age gap problem but I don’t think you would be as annoyed at the 13 year old wanting attention even on sons birthday because children don’t think I’m not allowed to voice my needs or wants because it’s someone else’s celebration.
You might find she gets to choose most things at her mum’s because she is the youngest, her older siblings don’t care and gets indulged but at your house she learns people gets turns choosing.

OP you sound like the one who is throwing their toys out of the pram, not your stepdaughter. You're annoyed because she got to go off with her dad for an hour, a dad she hardly sees? Your resentment of her is obvious and she probably senses that.

💯

She’s not just an appendage to keep your ds happy. She’s a person, with needs, that are clearly not being met.

Try and see it’s from her point of view that she’s in a weird limbo place. Her blood siblings aren’t around anymore when she’s visiting her Dad and there’s a whole new family unit of you, your husband and your child that she’s on the outskirts of.

On top of that she’s a teenager. She’s going through enough in life.

Make sure your husband is spending one on one time with her, time with both her and her half sibling and even you could spend some one on one time with her.

It's every other weekend so you arranged to do something only your son would enjoy on one of her weekends?!

Think about this.

It's a age gap thing that you have the ability to manage in ways that if weren't step children wouldn't be as manageable.

A birthday treat doesn't have to be on a birthday so find something to do as a family that's appropriate and then do something separate with the other child.

This is what other families would do.

This is very accurate!

My SS is 14. We also now have a 2yo and one on the way.

Granted my SS is here 50/50 but even when he was much younger and with us less we had certain times for family and certain times one to one. When he was younger, every Friday night I'd head off for a bath and watch a movie upstairs and let my SS and his dad have a "boys night". We'd usually all go swimming together on a Saturday and then they'd go to Costa afterwards for cake while I did groceries.

Even now, they spend 2 evenings and one weekend day at an extra curricular together. They'll often head off to the cinema together or go-karting. My husband takes time off during the summer or half-terms to go on day trips with him.

Similarly he often goes out for dinner or cinema with his mum during her access without his Stepdad or siblings. It's so important that the kids get some undivided attention given the upheaval they are faced.

@Dinosaursloveunderpants1 sorry but I think you are being unfair on your dsd. The fault is on you and her dad for not considering her when planning family days out.

I have just come back from legoland with dd12 and it absolutely isnt aimed at older kids.

We went with her dad and my dsc for her 4th birthday. Dsd was 12 and dss was 14. We split off and their dad took them round and I took dd. There is no way it is suitable for both.

There is nothing wrong with her dad taking her off. It is exactly how it would be managed if they were both your biological kids

13?
Does she have additional needs?
Lol
I would just go off on my own at that age
So would my daughter
Why on earth would she want boring baby rides

I wish ds dad had done the same. Ds is 23 now, and his dad often tells me he wishes he had a closer relationship with ds, or that he wishes ds would want to meet him for drinks or dinner (well, them. His wife still has to be there for every meetup!)

He should have put the effort in when he was young if he wanted a good relationship with him as an adult.

You don't have an issue with your sdd you have an issue with your husband who does not want to parent his child because he feels guilty but by doing this he is not setting her up well for later life when people say no to her as crying won't work on her boss

Sounds like my SIl. But she is 55.

The crying would get on my nerves. I’ve been middle child of a blended family so I do get it.

sounds like if she only sees her dad EOW he should take her out for a day and bond with her. She’s obviously craving his attention which is natural.

I can see why it’s frustrating that you’re paying for nice days out and then she cries when things don’t go her way but it’s your DH that is the main problem here. Why is he only seeing her every other weekend?
Also, if you know she cries, why didn’t you do Legoland for your son’s birthday treat on the weekend DSD isn’t with you? You could have gone to the park or swimming or whatever, that they can both do.
Having said that, if your DH is seeing her four times a month then he should be spending that time with her doing what she wants. I feel sorry for her. It’s sounds as if her dad is quite useless.

Poor girl
She is craving attention from her Dad and he should be giving her it
It is up to him not you to ‘. Manage her behaviour’

It’s sad really. When we had my two, we wanted them to have a strong bond and friendship that existed separately from us as parents, so although we took them to things together we always made sure we dd things with them as individuals. In part fed by them being different, sexes, but largely due to their being discrete individuals with their own interests and personalities. Even now they are 18 and 21, we arrange things in different grouping and often send them off together (concerts, for example, depending who like the bad one or both DC will go with one parent or , if it’s Tyler the Creator, we leave them to it.)

When you marry someone with children already you do not need to be an active part of their lives, to be the perfect step/third parent, but you DO need to support and facilitate the ongoing relationship between spouse and existing children. I wouldn’t want a child with someone who manifestly demonstrated weak, diffident or disengaged parenting as this would be what I could expect for any joint child.

If OP is the obstacle here, she should consider some counselling to explore why she might be the cause of this undercurrent of competition. DSD13 may not be vying for attention at all, just asking to be seen and considered as a person in her own right. At at 13, an age when girls are mid adolescence and developing a model of themselves in male/female relationships (informed by their relationship with opposite sex parents), OP needs to allow them both space to navigate this. There is a book called ‘Raising Girls’ which is really useful in explaining the importance of the father/daughter relationship at this age that OP may wish to read… and a companion one “Raising Boys’ which looks at the opposite (the need for Mums to engage with their sons at this age), which may be useful to OP and her DH.

Agree. I doubt she ‘causes’ friction - if the example of the day out where she was expected to put up and shut up due to zero planning to accommodate anything for her.

You are lucky she is great with your DS. This is a huge gift. Don’t fuck it up with your simmering judgement and resentment seeping out. What has happened to your DS other siblings? Why do they not visit?

If you carry on like this - your DSD will go the same way which might not bother you but it will deeply hurt your DS.

Her own father recognises she needs more of his time - she doesn’t ‘crave’ attention - her acting out shows shes
emotionally needing more attention. Give it to her - even if it’s only for your DS benefit.