How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

Just read all the comments. I think it's important to state that they get plenty of time together one on one.

They see each other far more than EOW. I just said EOW as that is the minimum. They do hobbies just one on one together. It's just days out I try and include her otherwise she doesn't go out.

This also isn't a new relationship. I've been in her life since she was 5, her Dad left when she was 2.5 years old. We got together a few years after he left.

My issue is with the fact she cries over everything minor. Obviously she's not coping with life and we do try to help but he Mum is depressed so it's hard to have a big impact.

Can she live with you more if her mum is struggling? Her life must be pretty tough at the moment never mind being 13 and learning to cope with hormones etc

We have offered her this but she feels bad for her Mum. Her Mum has remarried and isn't alone but as a child, she worries about her.

My issue is with the fact she cries over everything minor. Obviously she's not coping with life and we do try to help but he Mum is depressed so it's hard to have a big impact

If she is dismissed as attention seeking and no resilience then this is how she will see herself, imagine being so unhappy that you cry at the drop.of a hat. I think all you can do is acknowledge she is upset and try and help her get over the upset.

This poor child is carrying alot on her young shoulders. No wonder her emotions are all over the place and she eat crumbles at seemingly minor situations.

Sounds like she could use some extra support and therapy.

Are school aware of the situation and helping?

Yes school are away. We have tried to teach her resilience and being positive but we can't influence what happens in her main home.

"Do sometimes turn out..."

Sometimes. So, not always. Not even often. So it's bizarre to assume that anyone who thinks the OP is BU falls into that 'sometimes' category.

I don't know where you got the impression I was "blaming the dad" for EOW. My point was that if you wouldn't be content only seeing your children EOW then your point that it's "more than a few hours a month" is meaningless, it's still a tiny amount of time and therefore hardly surprising that the relationship isn't easy.

You can't no, but being a positive influence at your house will stick with her, also she is 13 and they can be all over the place i know you probably find her crying irritating and frustrating but she is struggling.

Poor kid. She needs support, not judgement. I’d get her some therapy honestly - it sounds like she’s put herself into a young carer situation with her mum and I’d be curious how much of that is because she’s frightened and how much is because her mum has actually put that on her. All this is super relevant and explains why she wants to be younger and instinctively throws tantrums and such. She hates all this responsibility and is acting out with her safe people. I feel really bad for her

Oh poor child. Yes she lacks resilience but given her home situation that's not surprising. Being (somewhat) tearful and demanding may be better for her in the long run than being a "coper" with an endlessly cheerful positive outside. It's just not an easy balance to get right for her, and it's wearing for you.

I'm sure you're a positive influence but you and DH can't fix it all. So I'd go for patience and expecting things to be a bit rocky and annoying.

My issue is with the fact she cries over everything minor. Obviously she's not coping with life and we do try to help but he Mum is depressed so it's hard to have a big impact.

Good grief OP, how can you have talked about her so callously with all this going on.. at the start of your posts you were so dismissive and absolutely convinced that she is crying for attention/manipulation of your DH.

I hope after reading through some of the replies it is becoming obvious that there is way more to it than this and it is most likely her feeling overwhelmed or anxious about 'rocking the boat' or she struggles to cope with feelings of disappointed or guilt if she isn't enjoying something (when she realises she should, like on days out).

This was me, only with my dad and stepmum, I used to get quite upset if I wasn't enjoying something they had arranged, I was taught to always appreciate effort people went to for me, and not ever rock the boat, so I would not say anything at all, but I would feel SO guilty and wretched for not actually liking it (whatever it was), trying to hold that disappointment in would often become too much and I'd burst into tears.. Looking back, I never felt secure enough in my position within their family (by my stepmums design in fairness) to ever feel confident in voicing any displeasure.. I felt that at any moment they could say they didn't want to see me anymore and I'd never see my dad again. It never, ever happened at home with my mum.

Out of interest, what do you do when she cries? Do you roll your eyes, make comments? Or do you comfort her and reassure her? Or does her dad just whisk her away or give her whatever she wants to make her feel better, even though that obviously annoys you?

Please stop using the word 'resilience' towards and about her. It has become such an outdated and toxic concept. Struggling to cope with an overwhelming situation that is beyond her control is not a personal failure on her part.

So you are thinking about taking outings away from a child who is lovely to your little son and has to spend most of her life living with a single parent who is suffering from depression? Because she cries too often?

Still no words.

I think you have chosen to focus on resilience and being positive because it's a good justification for trying to insist that this child should behave how you want her to.

It's ok not to be ok. Respectfully, you are not nearly emotionally sensitive enough to even try to teach her resilience. Treat her with patience and respect. Help her to learn how to be kind to herself - self care, seeing the positives in herself and how she handled a situation, applying a standard of kindness to herself and other rather than politeness or performance based expectations, knowing she won't be judged or shamed for negative emotions and that she is loved simply for being herself - this is the best way to teach resilience at the place you seem to be.

What a caring child she seems to be. Lovely to your son, caring to her mother. She's empathic and feels things deeply. That sensitivity - which you are not gifted with - should be handled considerately as it is a gift to you and your family.

So she’s dealing with step-parents on both sides, a new sibling, and a mum with mental health issues :( poor girl

and really all you can think to say is that she should be more resilient? She’s so so young herself.

why isn’t your husband pushing for 50/50 on the grounds that her emotional health is suffering living with her mum 80% of the time? Her feeling guilty about leaving her mum isn’t a good enough reason, he needs to be the grown up and put her first.

We have tried to teach her resilience and being positive

This young person is struggling emotionally with her home life and her family relationships and you're teaching her to "be positive"? Those are some mighty large cracks you're papering over and this approach is likely to be even more damaging in the long term. What a dismissive approach to someone who clearly needs empathy and support.

So effectively you just want this poor child to pretend to be happy to not ruin your days out.

This.

teaching her to be positive when she has such a lot going on in her life is just teaching her to mask. To be the good girl. To perform Positivity for you.

this is so damaging.

Why isn’t her dad stepping up and having her more?

After reading post after post similar, my controversial opinion is that to become a step parent should require the same rigours as becoming an adoptive parent.

because these poor poor kids have human rights too.

your opening post about her seeking attention and having the temerity to get her dads attention for an hour, given the context you have added subsequently, is fucking disgraceful.

OF COURSE she cries a lot, she’s having a deeply miserable childhood.

if my DDs cried that much, I would be doing everything I possibly could to help them find happiness. Not banning them from outings so that they don’t ruin it with their sadness.

ffs.

Be careful. Her mum may be a wonderful mum who loves and understands her. Having depression is not necessarily an indication of inadequacy in a parent.

I have quite a 'no nonsense' approach to undesirable behaviour OP but it seems to me that she's just screaming out for one to one attention and validation. I think there's 2 truths that you need to accept

1. Your DH has a daughter and he has just as much responsibility for her as you and his son. Sometimes her needs and even her behaviour will impact on you and your DS whether you like it or not. Her responsibility is to behave respectfully yes but it is absolutely not a child's responsibility to make a blended family more comfortable for her step family. YOU made the decision to make it your responsibility when you decided to procreate with a man who already has a dependent child. You don't necessarily have to be her parent but you do have to accept that you will have a significant impact on her life and that you need to give dad the space to be her parent.

2. Right now DSD's life is significantly more complicated than your DS's. You're not her mum so you may feel more responsibility towards DS but he has 2 parents who love him and live together and provide a safe and loving home for him. At the very least DSD has to navigate an entirely different family and moving homes every other weekend as well as trying to maintain the love and attention of a dad who only sees her a fraction of the time compared to her little brother. All this whilst the teenage hormones are no doubt kicking in. Please don't begrudge dad or DSD for wanting her to take priority for the small amount of time that she is there. It's what she needs and what is fair.

If her behaviour is basically respectful then I would do what you need to reassure her that she is loved and wanted in the family and give dad as much space as he needs to spend undivided time with her when she's there. In your specific case her and dad going off for a bit in the theme park seems more than fair tbh. It gave them ome on one time and meant she got to enjoy the day too. I'm an adult and honestly couldn't think of anything worse than having to walk round an overstimulating theme park and not being able to go on any rides. I'd be really tired and fed up.

Im glad she has a dad who looks out for her- you sound harsh.

I think it would hugely benefit her for her father to spend as much time as possible with her on her weekends with you.

No more family days out.
Let him take her out as its his attention she needs.
Have a nice homemade meal, but no days out.