How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

This is actually very relevant. You didn’t evdn have to put in that she was a step. Everyone could have worked it out from the horrible way you talk about her in your posts. ‘Gave her the attention she wanted’ aka ‘spent an hour 121 with his child who he hadn’t seen for 2 weeks.’ She’s a blooming child who asked for none of this. Have some compassion for the mess you have been part of creating.

I’ve known a few women over the years who have been in relationships with men who already have children, who have had jealousy issues for no other reason that the child is a link to an ex.

I had a work colleague once who was seriously unhinged and wouldn’t let her partner spend a second alone with his daughters, she was so jealous that they were from a relationship from before they’d even met.

There are a lot of women, and men, who are jealous of a partners child. I was very careful when I met my now dh to make sure he knew my son would always come first, and that I would be spending time alone with him. If he had shown any jealousy or resentment; the relationship would have been over in a heartbeat. We were together for 3 years before ds even knew he existed and I would often cancel plans to see dh if ds wanted to do something with me instead of going to his dads house and dh never batted an eyelid - he would tell me to have a great time and more often than not, slide over some cash so I could treat ds to something. If he’d complained that I was changing plans for my son, I would have seen him in a different light.

To this day, with ds in his 20s, dh will suggest that me and ds go to the cinema or out for drinks together and he does the same alone with ds.

There are a lot of parents out there who will put a new partner above the happiness and security of their children and I don’t understand how you can do that.

Language is very telling. Her needs aren't being met, she's very much an onlooker in her father's new life by the sound of things, and she's justifiably upset. But you describe that as lacking resiliance and craving attention. Do you use those words to describe your DS if he is upset about something ? Or is he allowed to express emotions and feelings with out diminishing judgemental language ?

My children have a 5 year age gap. Sometimes activities were not suitable or interesting for both so we took them separately, one of us would go to one film with the youngest and the other a different film with the oldest and all meet up for ice cream afterwards. We split up at theme parks and went on different rides, I certainly wouldn't have expected either of them to stand and watch all day while the other did age appropriate stuff, when they could have been off with the other parent doing their own thing.

Maybe next time get your 5 year old to stand and watch for ages while the 13 year old does something he can't, and see if he suddenly lacks resiliance and craves attention? Or much better don't do that, instead find a way to meet both children's needs If you can't genuinly find a way to like your DSD and enjoy her company, then you need to work very hard at fake it till you make it, because I can guarantee she is very aware of your feelings towards her

My kids are 14, 9 and 6. When we are at theme parks etc dh often takes the older 2 on bigger rides (ds 9 is quite tall for his age) and likes fast rides. We do a divide and conquer for a couple of hours so they get the rides they like and want to go on and I take dc3 on the younger rides. The age gap is definitely an issue here because they have totally different interests. It sounds more than attention seeking behaviour are things ok at home for her?

Why was it unacceptable for her to spend an hour with her dad focusing on things for an older child? Why is it a problem that she would want that attention from him?

You're not in a position to criticise her for a lack of resilience when something so minor is a problem for you.

Yep, they are master manipulators, our little darlings😂
A 12yr old on mn yesterday cried becsuse the wind blew his contact lens out, rewarding him with a day off school

Splitting up for an hour at a theme park is perfectly reasonable. I'm not just saying that because she's a step child, I think every theme park trip we've done has involved some splitting up of the group as my dd loves terrifying rides whilst ds prefers to do rides that spin you round which make me feel sick. They both love water rides so we do those all together.

You probably should have planned it that dh take dd to do the rides ds couldn't do, whilst you did the little kid rides with him, then all meet back together to do the rides suitable for everyone.

I had a step mum that I think, looking back, this with me. There was a 7 year age gap between me and my DSD whom I adored back then and am very close with now we
are grown up.
Sadly when I was your DSD age my needs were often overlooked and it was clear to me then that my step sister came first - the days were planned for her age and the pace set by her too. At 13 she will absolutely cry at times, it’s hormonal and she’s allowed to feel frustrated and upset and show that, and be comforted by both her dad and ideally you too.
Your tone suggests you have a building frustration with her and that’s so unfair. She’s still a child, she doesn’t ask for these days out that you are resenting giving her despite the fact you would be going anyway with your son and DH. I wish my step mum had tried harder to make me feel less like a “step” but she didn’t, and after my dad died we no longer keep in touch. Try and imagine your DS is in a similar situation in 8 years time- would you not want his step mum to have planned the day more thoughtfully and built in time for him to have time with his dad while you ride the baby rides with your son? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you respect your DSD and that is a slippery slope to nowhere.

This. A friend who has this age gap between her children said it was really hard to find family things to do that would make them all happy.
I would have probably suggested that your stepdaughter brought a friend along, so that she had someone to go around with and enjoy rides together.

Not really - it sounds like your DH taking her off for an hour was a good compromise.

When we were on holiday a couple of years ago we went to a theme park which had a zoo and rides. Eldest doesn't like rides so DH went with her round the zoo while I took the youngest round the rides - both had a great day!

There is a slight difference in that it was your DSs birthday so 'his' day - but as it was only for an hour and not the whole day, then I fail to see what the issue is 💁

Is it manipulative for a child to need attention from a parent who only sees her a few hours a month?

The fact that she's crying shows her father is not spending enough time with her, he needs to do better.

Relax and be a bit more go with the flow.

FWIW, OP, so do I. I can't believe some of these responses, particularly that your DS wasn't entitled to have a stress-free day out on his actual birthday. Of course he was. Some MNers seem to think everything should revolve around stepchildren even if it's at the expense of any subsequent children, it's really unpleasant.

I think a fair few of these responses are coming from people who were stepchildren themselves and are bitter, but it's depressing to see it on the stepparenting board.

So the crying is shorthand for…?

”I feel left out”
”I’m disappointed to not join in”
”I feel suddenly anxious”
”I feel I’m on the edge of this group and want my dad to reassure me”

etc etc etc

if you/dad can figure out what the crying means, you can help her to label it and understand it. you mention she’s quite young emotionally, is anyone helping her learn about her emotions?

“sorry you’re feeling so disappointed about this ride Suzie, I’d be disappointed to be left out too. It looks really fun so I can see why you’re upset. Want a hug/make a plan to go on some bigger rides later?” Etc

I can't give any advice as far as step-parenting is involved, but as a parent of DC with same age gap, theme parks and amusement parks are always going to be more difficult.
We used to take it inturns taking our two on rides. We had the same with our youngest when he coudn't go on thunder mountain or space mountain, and had a massive paddy when he was too young to get his driving license in Legoland.
Just sort it out and communicate with them before you go.

Or it could just mean that at 13 she needs to toughen up a little? She's at secondary school, if she does that around her peers it's likely to make things a lot harder for her socially.

And EOW is more than 'a few hours a month'.

Not necessarily. My 13yo cries quite a lot. There are various understandable reasons for it that I won’t go into, but I can assure you that we don’t “give in to her” or do what she wants if she gets upset.

There are lots of reasons why older kids might cry, and while it seems “obvious” to many of us that they’re being manipulative, it really isn’t always the case.

I would genuinely have said the same as many previous posters even if you weren’t a stepparent. Friends have got two girls with a similar age gap and have often said how difficult it is to find things that everyone enjoys.

As another poster mentioned, your DSD probably seems really grown up to you because your DS is so little - but she really is quite young still.

For what it’s worth, I had a day out with my two yesterday and they were both a PITA 😉

I’ve not read all of the replies but many people have pointed out that if they were both your kids, then you’d be doing more separate outings at weekends as children with that age gap will often have different interests.

Does sd have issues with her peers? I can’t imagine that a teen who is regularly crying and using tantrums to get her way is going to be popular.

You know if sd behaves younger than her years because that’s her genuine personality or that interactions with her dad has taught her that behaving younger gets what she wants. My ex used to treat our kids as much younger than they were and I wonder if your h sees his dd in the same way. Personally I wondered if he saw them as the age when he left because seeing them 4 days a month slowed down time for him. They are now young adults doing things like driving cars because I made sure that they were developing in an age appropriate way. If they had lived with their dad, I have no doubt that they would have enjoyed being babied but I think it’s important that I help him launch for adulthood.

I think I assumed the OP meant 'every other weekend' because she says her husband pays loads in child support.

I also wanted to add: the fact that you’re even discussing this here shows that you care. And you’re doing nothing wrong to feel frustrated or disappointed at your DSD’s behaviour. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Try not to feel attacked. I have days when I feel like I could cheerfully wring my children’s necks, when I feel like we’ve spoiled them, when I feel like I’ve done everything wrong. Just because she’s your DSD doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to feel frustrated. We learn and we go forward 💐

I can understand from all sides as a step parent myself.

Firstly, DSD does sound quite young at 13 to be crying that she can't go on a ride for younger children although its likely she's a mix of hormonal and feels excluded only seeing her dad twice a month. It does sound that they need some 1:1 time together, I would be ensuring that DSD and DH get 1:1 time together on their weekends. Take DS out for a bit and leave them too it. I would also suggest that you get some 1:1 time with her as and when you can.

Secondly, being step parent can be frustrating. From my perspective it's because DH often doesn't deal with things in the way that I would - as step parents we leave the majority of parenting to the actual parents but should be there to support both parents as needed / requested. Using your situation as an example, I would have said to DSD 'its a shame you can't go on this ride, let's watch DS and then you can pick the next ride' and would have been frustrated that we had split up when it could have been managed differently rather than directly frustrated with DSD.

The best way I have found to manage this frustration is to have a chat running with Gemini, I prompted gemini with step parenting advise, analysis of behaviours and promoting a successful blended family and will then put key events in there with info about how I felt etc and 'vent'. Often some quite good ideas and helps to just get the frustration out.

Sounds like the poor girl is frustrated that she’s not getting time alone with her dad.

My ds acted the same way with his dad when he was little, never anywhere else, just with his dad as it was how he was trying to express his needs.

What’s unpleasant is the OP making out her step-daughter is an attention seeker and has behavioural issues because she wants the focus of her dad for a bit due to him only seeing her 2 days a fortnight.

@dreamiesformolly I think very few have said the 13 year old should have the day entirely built around her but the special day for the 5 year old didn’t seem to include her making choices. Both dc can have a go at something! They could easily have split up for a bit and the 5 year old would not have had his day ruined. It’s just less stress if she’s got something she likes. All this needs negotiating before the trip. It’s really not that difficult.

Nope, no child should ever be in a situation where they need to be tough.

Four days a month is simply not parenting, it's an occasional visitor, it's not good enough, as this child is demonstrating by crying out for her father.