How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

Politely, you posted on the Step Parenting board but I would hope you wouldn’t treat any of your older children like this either.

If you only saw your son for four days a month, I think you'd feel differently.

Yes I think I'll do more of that. I want her to have nice days out too as she doesn't do them often (including with her Mum) but if it's going to cause arguments all the time then it's not worth it.

They have the same dad so are biological siblings not step. But yes, totally agree she shouldn’t be expected to just stand there. Completely normal to go off and do separate things for a bit with big age gap siblings. I do it with my 2.

Exactly this!!

If she wasn’t a “step”, she wouldn’t only be seeing her dad for 4 days a month.

Do you like your DSD? You don't sound like you do. She cried (presumably not for long) and spent some 1:1 time with her dad and you got to spend 1:1 time with your son, what's wrong with that?
It was an hour, not the whole day and I think you're being really unfair to both her and your husband. Your son sees his dad every day and your SD does not. I really can't see why it was such a big deal that your son didn't see his dad for 1 hour on his birthday treat day.
What would your reaction have been if she wanted to go on a ride he couldn't go on? Would you be angry with him like you are with SD?

Trust me they wouldn't.

If she was your actual daughter that you only ever saw for a "visit" EOW, you would 100% be more considerate for doing things that suited her, so you wouldn't even be here posting about it.. you certainly wouldn't be expecting her to be happy to do everything that suits a 5 year old and lump it.

You sound like a horrible step-parent, and she sounds overly sensitive .. the two things may actually be related, maybe crying is the only way her dad will give her one on one attention she is desperately craving, so it's up to you as a family to remedy that.

Maybe but that is because there is a different dynamic in non blended households and 13 year olds can be upset at the drop of a hat, you are taking it as a personal slight

What nice days out do you arrange for her?

Ah you have found your support !

Being 13 is hard. All those emotions, hormones and big feelings. I think you need to cut her some slack. She only sees her dad EOW. She is probably a bit jealous and conflicted about her dad living with another child. I get that it's a bit frustrating having to accommodate her and deal with the emotions but that's part of being a blended family. I reckon that her dad needs to set aside time to spend with her regularly 1:1 so she gets his full and undivided attention.

Your "issue" would be different though - if this was your DD she wouldnt only be with her dad EOW, would she? So probably wouldn't need to crave his attention

I have a big age gap between my oldest and my two youngest, they’re full siblings but we would never expect him to just stand around doing a child’s activity all day. If we went to a theme park we would split the day up so he gets a chance to go on rides etc too! This is an age gap problem rather than a step daughter problem.

Of course she wants and needs attention. She only sees her father four days a month, that's awful. He lives full time with her half brother, she's literally crying out for attention from her parent.

I have a 13 year old and 9 year old and they live full time with both parents and we often split up in different configurations as they have different interests and abilities. I think it's compounded hugely by how infrequently she sees her father so I'd be prioritising as much 1:1 time as you can manage - maybe on her weekends one day you take your son out so they can spend time together (baking / cooking / playing video games / whatever) and the other day you look for a day out you can all enjoy in different ways. She is desperate for attention and her father should give her as much as possible before she looks for it elsewhere - very tricky age!

It sounds as if she does need one on one attention, yes.

You are talking about her as if her value lies only in her contribution to the unit. She makes your son happy so you want to bring her along on trips. But you need to remember that she has her ups and downs too at 13. She can both give and need emotional support at that age. That's normal.

If you aren't as concerned with her happiness as you are with your DS's happiness, that doesn't make you a monster. But her dad should be equally concerned with both and should make time to give her the attention (that is, the focus and priority) she needs

Apart from that, being a bit dramatic at 13 isn't universal but it's not that unusual either. With the right support she will grow out of it. Splitting up and not doing everything in lockstep is normal and useful for families, especially with age gaps. You have a lot of positives in your family setup - the kids get on well and your son has his dad full-time.

You see this child four days a month, so it's not reasonable to expect her to settle in and adapt to family life each time exactly as you'd like. She probably does need her dad to give her some direct emotional support then. But also, if the odd day trip doesn't go entirely smoothly, I think it's better to get on with things than to worry too much about it.

Think of it as training for your son's teenage years. They all grow up in fits and starts.

The trouble is, op, I get the feeling that you would only enjoy them if it were just a cosy group of 3. You married a man who already had children. You can’t airbrush them out of his life, and I hope he is strong enough to continue to prioritise them over your neediness. Your dislike of your stepdaughter encroaching on your preferred family dynamic is palpable. Thank goodness your ds loves his sister, otherwise things would be even harder for the poor girl.

Anyway, to answer your question - how to plan? Two parents present so that her dad can look after her and give her some downtime is a good plan.

It's obvious that accommodating an extra family member is tough for adults and step parents. Don't underestimate how stressful it can be for the children too. Having to fit in with her dad's new family, who she probable doesn't see enough of to feel entirely comfortable with them, is a challenge for a young teen's emotional regulation

I have an age gap of 8 years between older dd and younger ds.

Paultons Park is just about ok for an older kid, in my opinion better than Chessington. Legoland is generally too babyish to please teenagers.

Mostly we avoid theme parks in the Uk now. They just wear us down - long queues, over priced and hard to get both kids happy at the same time - we ALWAYS end up splitting up so we can hit the age appropriate rides which defeats the object of a family day out.

We find our best days out with teen and younger dc are Ninja park or high ropes, wildlife parks, the beach, hiking or MTB eg Peak District. Some castles are fine too.

Sounds like dsd is overwhelmed - perhaps feeling pressure of teenage hormones and the need to “play nice” in the family. Tears, even manipulative tears, are an odd reaction in public for a teen. More usual to have sullen sulky rude behaviour! Maybe more to this than meets the eye.

Have you ever let dsd choose the day out? Maybe would help

Nah, if a father or mother posted the same scenario, of being annoyed with their own child who they only sees twice a month, to the point they don’t want to invite their own child on days out they’d be torn a new arsehole.

She only sees her dad twice a month - that’s so little time! It would make sense if he took her out for a morning or afternoon by herself and then you got together for dinner. I’d let her choose the movie - she only gets to do it once every two weeks - it’s hardly domineering. It sounds like she’s a visitor rather than an integral member of the family.

This.

or she could have brought a friend to ride with

Yes but you can't expect the same emotional resilience from a 13 year old child that's only being seeing her father four days a month for I'd assume the last 5 years at least, as you could a child living with both her parents.

I think this is an issue - does DH ever take time out to do 1-2-1 activities with her so that she is centred? I think theme parks don’t work with such a wide age gap so either decide to divide and conquer - DH takes her on her own for a few hours and you meet up for food later - or he takes her to an age appropriate alternative day out on her visit weekend and you take DS5 on a weekend she is not around. Paulton’s Park/Pepper Pig world, for example, is really not the place to drag a 13yo to unless you bring a friend with her and allow her to go off on her own with them.

It just takes some planning and a few things that are geared around her?