How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

It was Legoland so many rides are suitable for both sizes. It was one specific ride where you ride toy cars that she was too big to do. We did all other rides together.

Then after the crying, her and DH went off to do rides that we easily all could have done together.

This happens often. For example, go to a restaurant and if what she wants to order isn't available she'll cry. Or when choosing a film to watch as a family if she isn't allowed to chose she'll cry.

We are a blended family and the children have a 5 year age gap, on days out we take 1 child each and then meet for dinner, rides/shows that both children wanted to see/do

I have 5 years between my dc we just split up like this on days out if we needed to, it is the best solution isn't it ?

She sounds like a totally normal 13 year old.

You probably think a 13 year old should be all mature and responsible because she seems so grown up compared to your 5 year old. She’s still a kid.

Some of the “issues” stepparents seem to face would be eliminated if they just lowered their expectations of their stepchildren.

What exactly were you expecting from the day out? Was your DSD just expected to watch a 5 year old go on young kids rides all day? It’s totally reasonable that each parent takes one kid each at a theme park particularly with such a big age gap.

If she craves attention so much then perhaps give it to her. She only sees her dad EOW. Of course she wants his attention!

Tbh it sounds like she has absolutely no one to one time with her actual parent?

Is she the same when with her mother? It could be partly her age as teen years are hard. Sounds like she needs a good chat with her dad and her mum to see what’s on her mind.

It sounds very unusual for a 13 year old to firstly want to go on a young childrens ride but then also cry when they cant. If she has no resilience and is emotionally immature your husband needs to be looking at why and what kind of support does she need to help her.

On the other hand- for this particular example- i dont think your husband did anything wrong. When you go to a theme park with age gap children its obvious youre going to need to split and take them on some rides separately. In fact even without an age gap they usually want to do different things, its completely normal

I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.
However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together.

As for this part of your post - that’s appalling! So you ‘invite’ her to family outings (she is family btw) and would want to stop her coming, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would upset your ds? Don’t think she won’t know that! All she wants, and is entitled to, is some time with, and attention from her Dad, on her weekends with him. Surely you don’t begrudge her that? Oh, wait…yes, you do.

Thanks for the replies. I've managed to read them all. Seems like the issue is the age gap.

She was excited to go on every ride regardless if they were young kids rides. She's very young in age.

She was only not able to go on one ride and this caused the reaction.

It was DS birthday and it was just a shame that she needs the attention on her because she couldn't go on one ride.

I think it's just easier to do less days out as they won't align.

I am the only one arranging and paying for days out. Her Dad doesn't earn that much so when we do go out, I am paying for it. So yes I am allowed to want to enjoy them too.

@Dinosaursloveunderpants1Shes obviously over emotional and it’s hormones! Her dad could take her separately and you don’t have to be glued together as a unit. Surely she gets some choice of film or goes to a restaurant that does serve what she likes? Why is her time totally dictated by you? You and her dad need to meet her needs a bit more and find out what they are first! It feels like you drag her along because you have to.

What did you think would happen if you had such a large age gap.

Does your DH see his other DC much? What about DD outside EOW arrangement as that is not much?

I don't think step-parenting is for you....
You actually sound awful.abiut the poor girl.

it was just a shame that she needs the attention on her

She's a child who hardly ever sees her father... have a bit of compassion.

Oh wow.
You pay, so the older child in the family has to accept being second best.
I'm distressed on her behalf.

Don’t expect her to think “oh it’s DS’s birthday so I won’t get upset”. 13 year olds are not wired to think selflessly.

The fact it was your DS birthday, her dad doesn’t earn much, you’re paying for it - all of this is irrelevant to her and not her problem.

Like I said, lower your expectations of her. She probably already feels that she isn’t meeting them.

If you want a stepchild free day then go on one of the many other days you don’t have her. It’s not exactly a big stretch to give her the attention she needs 2 days out of 14.

She only sees her dad EOW, does he spend any time 1:1 with her? It sounds as if she’s expected to slot into your new family life and plans being made for her without anyone taking consideration she needs time alone with her dad.

I think it's just easier to do less days out as they won't align

This is just being petty, there’s loads of days out you can all do or her dad can take her to more age appropriate days out? You don’t always need to do everything together. There’s quite an age gap between my DSC and our children, we always made sure DH’s children spent a good chunk of time with him if that’s what they preferred doing activities that they enjoyed.

I’m assuming if he doesn’t earn much he doesn’t pay much over to DD’s mum.

He pays plenty including for adult children.

She cries because it works with her dad.

It's funny as if I didn't put the 'step' part in, I'm sure the responses would be entirely different.

I should hope so.

So don't do things on her weekend so you don't have to pay, let her spend time with her dad on those weekends, take your son out.

If you didn't put the step-parent in... I'm sure you wouldn't be so horrible about her? And the situation would be very different because she wouldn't be an afterthought in your life.

@Dinosaursloveunderpants1 he sees his DD 4 days a month, it’s not great is it.

How much is plenty?

OP, look at it from her point of view. She hasn't seen her daddy for a while. She's been looking forward to it all week, pictured how it will be and then something doesn't go to plan . It gets her down.
Your dh needs to put some time aside every week, for time just with his dd. If he reassures her that he still loves her and sometimes she comes first, there should be fewer tears.

I have a step child and three of my own children. The stepchard needs a bit more support and attention, when they're visiting, as they're not here as much. My daughter ar thirteen would behave far worse if it felt her brothers were getting more attention and never got her own way. I think splitting up for an hour was their very best thing to do at that age and I would have done it with my own children so that everyone could do what they wanted to do.