How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

So mean, poor girl, why shouldn't she go off with her dad and have fun.
So much wrong with your attitude here

Splitting up and doing rides separately for a short amount of the day seems like a sensible solution to me with DC with a large age gap. I have a 9 and 4 YO and do exactly the same on most days out. I don't think the replies have anything to do with 'step' but I'd bet you'd be fine with your partner doing that if both DC were yours.

this with bells on

Had she queued for the ride when she was told she couldn’t go on? Think I would be pissed off as well. Not much fun going to a theme park watching a younger sibling have all the fun when all you get is a poxy hour. You should have made sure she could go on as many rides as DS. Mine have SEN so they can’t go on alone anyway. I always make sure adults can go on most of the rides.

You said in your OP that she "got the attention she wanted". Everyone needs attention in some way, OP. Even you. Perhaps it's worth reflecting on whether her emotional needs are all being met before you start attributing her behaviour to negative causes. As someone else said, being 13 is hard. She only sees her dad 4 days a month from what I've picked up - that means that he's seeing her outwith the context of her day-to-day life (as are you) and perhaps she has stressors and challenges that you don't see, and instead are seeing the emotions and behaviours this elicits.

I’m sure you know it wasn’t about the rides for her.. it was wanting to know she comes first for her dad. I had this with my sd and it went on for years. At least hopefully she’ll be out with her friends in a couple of years.

eurgh the comments on the age gap are so annoying. OP clearly states that they get on incredibly well so it’s nothing to do with that. My first thought is - she is 13, she is a teenager!! These seem to be the normal actions of one. Let him take her away on rides 1 on 1, give her that time with her dad and just ride it out (figuratively!). She will be a hormonal mess at the moment x

The crying seems a bit immature but I also think you sound a little harsh. You are finding it more irritating because she isn’t your child and you resent her dad for trying to keep her happy too. Which he wants to do because she’s his daughter.

13 is a funny age. Hormones and all that. Some of them are very mature by that age, others are still quite child like. If it were your son having a bit of a cry now and again on a day out you’d probably try to smooth it over too rather than reading him the riot act and ruining the day. You just don’t have that natural patience and affinity for your DSD. The example of him taking her off to do age appropriate rides at Legoland is completely reasonable and often the reality of days out with age gap children.

OP if you were to split with your partner and this same thing happens to your son when he’s 13 - would you want him around a step parent like you?

think about your son only seeing his dad twice a month, and on top of that he has to share that with a younger sibling who gets most of the attention. Plus he no doubt feels the resentment seeping out of his new step parent as she’s not great at hiding it.

What would you expect from YOUR son in the situation? Because I have a 4 year old girl who will one day be 13 and the thought of this scenario playing out for her breaks my heart in two.

But if she was your daughter you wouldn’t be considering leaving her out, would you?

No parent says “my kids are a bit difficult when I take them out together to I’ll just leave one of them out of my plans.” You work it out.

Sounds reasonable that DS should go on his rides and DSD go with her Dad on ones that were suitable for her.

She is however a bit old at 13 to be crying because she was too big for the little rides. But her life has no doubt been disrupted by marriage breakdown and having to be shared between parents. I am sure everyone is doing their best with it but it is not ideal for any child.

Perhaps you could explain what other issues there are that make you not want to include her on outings. I sus[ect if you do that she will become very demanding as she will rightly feel she has been cast aside when she is already dealing with split parents.

I just wanted to add that I think some kids just are more emotional than others and need a bit more of a caring approach. My nieces have been raised exactly the same, one is incredibly sensitive and often tearful, the other is super outgoing and takes everything on the chin. I wouldn't stop the days out as they benefit both DCs. I have so many happy memories with my older half brother when I was your DS' age. Just enjoy the reality rather than having high expectations of the days.

Reframe attention seeking into attachment seeking…

There is nothing to manage. Step child does not get enough fun on family outing, tears come out, tears are not a behaviour to be managed but a sign of emotional need not being fully met, to which dad responds quickly and goes off with her to reassure her that she too, deserves his attention and his love

step mother as usual to be blamed for her cold heartedness

It’s clear the OP isn’t looking for answers but just wants posters to tell her that the dsd a spoilt madam and her DF shouldn’t play into it.

I suspect your Dsd picks up on your feelings OP and in a small way contributes to why she is so emotional and runs to her DF. He is responsive. You clearly don’t understand her needs and aren’t willing to accommodate them.

I am a stepparent with exactly this age gap between DSD and DS and you sound absolutely vile towards this poor girl. She's only 13 and she's probably nervous because she can tell you don't like her.

Is this a made up thing? reverse? It sounds completely reasonable - a 13 year old does expect to have fun on a family outing - what were you thinking?

When you have an older child you will realise they stlil have the need for care attention and fun that toddlers have.

If she’s seeking attention it’s because she needs it. It is not unusual for teenagers whose fathers who have gone off to have second families to need a lot of reassurance. She didn’t choose a step family, you did, so you need to suck it up.

I’m sorry, OP, you’re being unreasonable. The difference between activities suitable for a five year old boy, and those that would interest a 13 year old girl is considerable. Your DSD wants to feel that she is important to her father, especially if she only sees him EOW, and it’s not reasonable to make her stand around while her stepbrother goes on rides, and then make him wait around while she does - much better to go with a parent each to age-appropriate activities. Your DH isn’t causing issues, you are - why was it a problem for him to go off with his DD? I would have thought that was a “win” for both children, who then get undivided attention from a parent. If you want them to do joint activities, you will have to choose more carefully - maybe the beach, or an amusement arcade, or something where they can both participate, and it isn’t always one or the other. And even if you do separate activities, surely you come together for something to eat afterwards? There will be times when it is appropriate for both DC to be doing things together and times when it isn’t - don’t give your DH a hard time for simply wanting to keep his teenage daughter happy.

If my 13 year old (I have one!) was crying regularly I would assume there was something wrong - they were depressed, unhappy generally about life.

Lack of resilience is absolutely natural in a child living in a sad anxious state - ie. coming in to see their dad in a 'ready made' family and knowing he chooses to live every single day with his new child.

I'm not sure that is fair. An hour doing separate rides with that much of an age gap sounds pretty normal to me. The difference is some kids wouldn't have to cry to get it.

She sees her dad every other week - I am not sure why you would not want her to spend an hour on age appropriate rides with him.

Plan your outings, that you are paying for, when it's just you. On the weekends his DD is with you he needs to plan the 1 on 1 and the family stuff. Let him figure it out. If he wants DD to have the same things as your joint child then he needs to get a better, or second, job. You can be kind, you can be welcoming, you can be caring, but ultimately don't put others before your own child.

I do agree that it's hard to do things together that both a 5 and 13yr can do so divide and conquer is best, but do that before paying huge sums of money.

Why was she stuck with the younger kids at 13? Your dh should have taken her off to go on the big rides anyway.

My two youngest are 5 and 12, you have to make it fair and that usually means dh taking one and me taking the other to do different activities or rides.

I think if you hadn't put the word step, people would have been confused as to why you were perturbed about one parent spending one hour with a child on a day long outing.

If your relationship breaks down, you will be able to tell your son's father that you absolutely do not want him spending an hour with your son one to one as you don't think its a good thing.