How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

I’d just wonder what your biological daughter had done to make you dislike her so much tbh.

You sound awful. Rather than argue back, why don’t you think about why random stranger online would tell you that, and maybe reflect on your attitude.

What a lovely, compassionate child.

The child may well be compassionate, but this isn't compassion. This is fear and anxiety about her status in her mum's eyes.

Apologies for the pop psychoanalysis but I wonder if she is shouldering a more adult/caring role at home, her time with you may be a chance to express her younger self. She has "developmental work" to do at her age through her younger side which she may not be able to do so well at home.

It's really normal anyway for 13 year olds to look very young at times and very grown up the next, it's all part of the process. Sometimes it helps to just let them still inhabit that younger role. Just like if a toddler with a new sibling wants to be babied, you pick them up and make a fuss of them for a minute or so. It's just kinder. They'll stop doing it when they are ready.

"Resilience" is way overused these days. For a constructive way forward you might find something helpful in The Explosive Child. She's not too old for it to be relevant.

I’d just plan more days out without her to be honest. Plan playdates for your 5 year old on her weekends, and her dad can take her out and give her the 121 attention she wants, then do stuff like Legoland when she’s not around.

Your partner is playing a big role in validating her over emotion, so let him crack on in a way that doesn’t ruin your son’s day trips. Then nice low pressure home-based activities for everyone.

She isn’t causing issues. She barely sees her dad. Thats the problem. But then that’s what you get with blended families and parents who don't pull their weight. Why doesn’t she see her dad 50/50?

She’s 13, she could choose to live with her dad if she wanted. She hasn’t. Reading between the lines that’s because she is emotionally beholden to her mother’s mental health. That’s not her dad or step mum’s fault.

an interesting take. I would say that reading between the lines, that this child has picked up that she’s not wanted there by the stepmother, unless she is used to make her sons life happier.

A lot of people are saying she only sees her dad bla bla days out of bla bla.

My DSD lives with us full time and her behaviour is the same. Some children will be like this regardless.

Yes because there is probably zero trauma associated with the reason your DSD doesn't spend any time with her mum. And instead gets to live with an unrelated woman with little empathy.

Reading between the lines that’s very convenient for the OP. Clearly she doesn’t want her at all unless she shuts up and puts up and acts as entertainment for the OPs DS.

This poor girl has a terrible life. She experienced family breakdown when she was only 5 - her DF left (why?) - her mother has taken a new partner into the house and had another child and the mother is depressed - so she has to deal with this new man, new child, ill mother - her two older siblings seem to have upped and left, her father says he needs to spend more time with her - she is so abandoned, isolated in both families and her step mum is resentful and dismissive of her needs. The poor girl needs some TLC - if her own DM is incapacitated by poor MH then her DF and the OP need to step up and step in. OP you could even do this for purely self serving reasons because if she isn’t prioritised, supported and nurtured in this critical years you will have one hell of a mess of chronic MH issues on your hands which your and your DH will have to deal with and it’s a horror story - and you don’t want your precious DS to experience the loss of his only sibling to MH issues. Show some compassion and love to her.

I’m merely stating those that are suggesting it’s because she is only with her dad x amount of days, are not necessarily right.

My DSD stays with us for school and still sees her mother regularly, this set up has nothing to do with no contact or issues with her mother as such. You are making an assumption, to which you are not correct.