Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

I’m not surprised your DH doesn’t want to do that, it would be a clear sign that there’s no space for the teen sc’s and they don’t have a home with their father if you did.
You had an another child together knowing the financial implications and that you’d have to make compromises, and unfortunately to house everyone the compromise was a worse side of town and poorer schooling.
Think about if they were your bio kids OP, would you be downsizing then? I don’t think so.

It seems like the perfect time to move. In your shoes I would definitely recommend moving for a better school for your DS. Education is so important and in my book it trumps the need for a spare room for occasional use.

I probably wouldn’t think about downsizing for at least another few years or so as the middle child is only 16. Having four children is a lot, and understandably expensive. Has he thought about trying to increase his earnings? If the two younger children want to go to uni it’s only going to get more expensive!

The simple fact is that you need to move because your DS cannot access an appropriate school. I wouldn't even accept any pushback on this, if my DH did not prioritise his child's education i would not be able to remain married to him.

A 3 bed is fine, SC16 can have the 3rd room and you can use a dining room etc for the twins when they are over.

And I would make my own kids share/adults downstairs if it meant access to a good education

If they were my bio kids, they’d live with us and we’d live in a town where we could afford a suitable house and access decent education. That’s not the case.

Are they at uni? Working?

some 19 year olds (not many admittedly) have moved out and are working.

SC will not be going to university.

DS is bright and capable and I’d love him to have the opportunity to, but it’s far less likely if he’s at a school where only 30% pass their exams.

what school does 16 year old go to? In two years time they will be leaving school and 9 year old will be going to high school then so I would wait until then and twins will also be 21 years old.

I wouldnt explain the reason. I would just say you've had to move for financial reasons. A 16 year old and 2 adults staying a couple of nights a month can use the third bedroom fine. Plenty of families manage cramped conditions permanently, its not worth damaging your son's education and life chances for the sake of slightly more space one weekend a month.

If you mean downsizing to a three or four bedroom that’s fine. Do DSC really want to sleep over at their age?

Bright and capable is half the battle! It’s a few years off, schools change so much and if they’re willing to learn, they can do well anywhere.

I would speak to your husband about how you can increase salary though. Having four children is hugely expensive and if there are uni bills/equivalent spend on those that don’t attend uni, then it’s only going to get tougher.

They live an hour away and go to school and college there. The school there is far better than the school closest to us.

The twins are in their third year of college, it’s anyone’s guess as to whether they’ll leave with any qualifications (poor attendance and scraped into year 2).

SD is sitting GCSEs this year and would like to go to the attached sixth form.

how much parenting has dad done in respect of twins if they have poor attendance.

Can you move closer to their school?

I’ve seen some three beds we could afford, which would mean our bedroom, SD’s bedroom, DS’s bedroom and a sofa bed downstairs for if/when SSs stay.

DH is not happy.

It’s not been said outright, but I do wonder if he’s assuming that SSs will move in when they finish at college. We live in a bigger place so more opportunities for jobs, they don’t have to share a room here currently and I suspect their mum will be less keen to house them when the maintenance and child element of UC ends.

I get it. But agree with you. You need to look out for the only child you have. Not keep him in an oversized house in a bad area for a couple more years of sporadic visits from adult children.
The messaging has to be that SC are still part of your plans and you’ll make it work when they visit.
Their dad is putting them first but your child only has you to do this.
Why are the SC doing so badly at their school and with low attendance? Is their home life OK? Is there a chance their mum will want them to move to yours in future? Could be something your DH is thinking about?

Cross post! Definitely the 3 bed then unless you want to feel even more of a mug.

They live an hour further from the nearest city in a very rural place with poor transport links so it’s not an option unless I give up on my career and DS gives up on his sport. So no.

DP has tried with SSs. Ultimately, post-11-ish, they have the right to decide where they want to be. They didn’t come for six months at 14 because he ‘forced’ them to do coursework. They’ve both been in trouble repeatedly at school for disrespecting teachers, and both went through a weed phase which seems to have ended in favour of gym, thankfully.

He doesn’t stop becoming their parent when they reach 18. It’s part of the package if you get involved with someone with 3 existing children. They should have the option to live full time with their Dad if they wish. I’m 47 and could move back with either of my parents if I needed to, they’d never say no (obvs I am not likely to do that).

You can’t move and give them no bedroom. So you’ll have to think about locations again and find something you can afford with better schools although a 4 bed that the twins share wouldn’t be entirely unreasonable if it was a good size.

If they needed to move in, I wouldn’t stop them. They’d be welcome. But it’d be onto a sofa bed downstairs, not into separate bedrooms at the expense of DS’s education.

I’ve checked back and they currently stay over around 20 nights a year.

This. Although lots of posters will expect you to keep bedrooms/shrines for all of the step children until they're in their 40s. But common sense often flies out the window when step children are mentioned

Ultimately if you're paying most of the mortgage youre a mug if you let DH control your life and finances. Clearly education isn't that important to DH for any of his kids, fair enough if the SC mum feels the same but you dont.

If you move out can he afford the 5 bed? If DS is y5 you might need to move out and rent close to the school in order to make the deadline so I would let him know that...

Your DS only has you in his corner so you need to put his needs first.

I’ve checked back and they currently stay over around 20 nights a year.

In which case they really don't need dedicated bedrooms, they can share. Its only fair that they can still stay over if they need to, but no one who visits 20 nights per year needs a specific space, that's madness.

DS is in year 4 right now so we’ve got 18 months to move, and the secondary school deadlines are why I’m thinking about it now.

DP (not DH) wouldn’t be able to afford a five bed alone anywhere. I could easily afford a 2/3 bed alone on the nice side of town. I don’t want it to come to that, but…

DS also has a shot at a sports scholarship, but again I couldn’t afford the reduced fees whilst paying for the mortgage here.

Move and put your child first. No one else will. I would do it sooner rather than later so he can settle into primary, and make friends before moving up to secondary. Also secondary applications need to be in by the end of October in Y6.

For 20 nights a year I would ensure the spare room is dressed as a bedroom. A trundle bed in your DS’s room and a sofa bed in dining room which could ultimately be turned into a bedroom if required. Everyone needs a bed and for it be made clear that they always have a home with you, however the older they get the less likely they will want to sleep an hour away from friends and partners.

As a previous poster said, you do not need to say why simply that it is financial reasons.