Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

Well, I can. I can afford a decent place for me and DS in the good catchment area.

Even without selling your current home?

Honestly the more I think of this scenario the more outraged I get.

Your DP is actually a human sponge... soaking up all your energy, finances and goodwill. I'd absolutely have a for Sale sign on my house by the end of the day tbh.

They rarely stay over and you’re the breadwinner. Moving house is your choice. Your partner has had a cushy life because of your finances. Definitely move house - with or without him.

She owns more than 75% of the current home... why wouldn't she sell it?

DH wants to look after his children - that sounds decent of him

DH - your term - means you are married and everything is joint

including the children

I might ask the twins if they would share so you could have smaller home ?

your bio child is young, you don’t stop seeing them as your baby, you gift , even when they are in their 20s

What? Why would she need two homes?

I agree, except for one thing, can he stop the sale of the current house in any way?

What if he doesnt agree

Or just obfuscates the sale?

Thank you for elucidating, I can see that my post was overly simplistic.
He's in a tough position, the complexities of the situation and the divided loyalties leave him in rather a bind. I guess he didn't anticipate that, or maybe he thought that because you're the woman you would be the one to take all the hits?

You need to prioritise your sons educational opportunities above all else.
You have sacrificed far too much.
Sell the house and move as close to the school as possible so he can be close to his peers.
You were restricted in how many children you had, 1 child to his 4 and yet you are paying fof his.
Absolute madness.

I don’t think, when any child is young, that you can accurately predict how they’ll turn out. If one or all of SC had moved in during the past decade we had to be prepared for that (DP had many discussions about it with the school and police). Both of us had left home by the age SSs are now. DP retrained into a job that collapsed during Covid; we had significantly more spare cash before the cost of living crisis… SC were hitting all targets ten years ago. A lot has changed.

You make it sound as if getting a job is a choice.

It was always a necessity and it should be now. Once an adult, no job no money whether that is benefits or parental help except in the most severe of extenuating circumstances.

Her DP owns the house as well so she can't sell unless he agrees to.

DP, we’re not married

Of course their dad should pay maintenance but why isn't their mother supporting herself rather than claiming benefits?

In the event that a relationship has broken down, a court will very quickly force a sale.

She can get a court order if it comes to it.

I wouldn't sacrifice my sons education for the convenience of two adults who are failing college.

The idea of them potentially moving in would be another reason for me.

You have always been clear you would move before DS started secondary. You're doing what you said. Yeah he might resent you for it but it's your sons future you're talking about.

You say DP rather than DH so I take it you are not married?

I think you are being taken for a mug.

Sell the 5 bedroom house. Buy a 2 bed for you and your DS on the nice side of town. ExDP can make whatever arrangements he likes with his older offspring but you don't have to fund it.

You’d have to ask her… I don’t know the intricacies of her financial situation. She has two younger children with ADHD and a live-in partner. She’s educated and quite a clever woman from what I know of her, but has never worked more than part-time and often doesn’t work. That’s her choice.

Well yes, but you are then talking about a separation which OP has not suggested at all.

The more I think about this, the more I think it’ll be the topic that ends our relationship. Which is really sad, because we get on very well 95% of the time, and DS loves his dad. I worry about the impact a split would have on him.

She absolutely has alluded to it.
Please RTFT.

I’m so surprised that most posters think that sharing a room is terrible. My DD (20) and her flatmates share rooms in an expensive university city ( four girls in a two-bed flat) and DH always shared with his brother growing up. It’s not something horrific and will damage you forever. I expect it’s quite common in some cultures.

@BlatchFord Parents sometimes have to make difficult decisions due to financial constraints. You can’t magic money out of thin air to buy and maintain another five-bedroom house, few people can. You can’t send your DS to a failing school either so you’ve got no choice but to move.

If your DP can figure out a way to afford a four-bedroom, great. But the onus really is on him to work out how to afford one. He’ll have a lot more money to contribute to a mortgage payment once the twins’ maintenance ends this summer, for example. Surely that could help?

Since he has shown himself to be a responsible and caring father I wouldn’t worry too much about that

At the end of the day, he cant afford to house all his kids without you anyway can he. So will he actually leave you over the move?

It sounds harsh, but you hold all the cards. Is he going to let his third son down aswell?

How about the impact of a nonexistent secondary education and two unemployed men living in the house? Yeah in the short term he'll be more upset by the divorce. Unless he's the subject of bullying at the shit school, then he'll be upset either way. But long term, you're giving him the set up he needs to be a successful happy person, 1. It's worth it. 2. Is his dad really going to not want that for him when push comes to shove?

You don't seem to think he's a shit dad so don't be so sure he'll break up his sons family over it.