Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

You're not married and you're the breadwinner - your choice. If he wants a 5 b/r for his adult kids he can provide it.

You need to do what suits you and your son. The reality is that you can't afford a 4/5 bedroom house in a better area with good schools. Your step kids are not staying with you that often and can still stay with you when you move house.
The reality is that you put your husband and his kids 1st since you meet him. You had one child because he already had 3 kid's and lived in a less desirable area so his kids had rooms. They only stayed 20 nights last year.

You know that your nearest secondary school is poor.

One of my friends here in Ireland had a similar issue to you. She has a few kids.
Her local secondary school wasn't great. The discipline was poor. She knew that in the class with the kids that were less accedimic the bold kids would disrupt every class. Along with this the results for the leaving cert our A levels were just average.

She applied and got her child into a far better school a few miles away. One of her children got extra support with some subjects and is doing far better in school than she expected a few years ago. Her other kids are doing well there also. They have made new friends that are nice kids as well. She wanted them to do as well as possible so they have better opportunities after leaving school.

I’d move however I get it. I have a bf whom owns a 5 bed house I own a 3. Only together 8 months but if we were to live together I’d move there as more space and I like it. I have 2 kids 17 and 11 he has 3 ones 22 ones 17 others 15 they stay alt weekends and one night in week court ordered and happens without fail plus half the holidays we couldn’t live together until his 22 moves out as he lives there permanently and until the 17 year old is independent as otherwise my kids won’t have a room even if they are there permanently. I wonder how our relationship would ever progress to that stage tbh if at all.

I think, if I had one SC, I’d probably feel like you. Especially if we actually saw the SC frequently. But the difference in cost between raising one extra child and three is significant. A five bedroom house is not in the same financial ballpark as a three bedroom house.

DP got significantly financially stung by his divorce. He’s due a big inheritance at some point and wants it all to go directly to his children. I understand it but I’m not prepared to sacrifice everything I have for the sake of him and SC without the security of marriage at least. He didn’t want to pay more when I was on maternity leave or part-time when DS was little, or to have another child.

So here we are. I have built up quite significant assets over the past decade and he hasn’t. My financial priority is myself and DS over DP and SC.

But this would be too late for the OP's son to get to a decent secondary school?

I'm sure if you sat the SC's down and had a kind, compassionate conversation, saying they'll all still be welcome but (particularly for the older ones) they would be staying on a sofa bed, you might be pleasantly surprised at the reaction.

This seems to be a common default strategy for men. If they split with the mother of their children and are faced with having to do regular solo parenting they find another woman, have a child with her and then they try to work it such that all the children become the problem of the new partner.

OP, I understand your thinking. I would want to do the best for my son educationally.

However, as the parent of more than one child, I categorically would not prioritise a better school for my youngest child at the expense of providing permanent bedrooms for my elder children until they were permanently settled in their own adult homes (and even then, I'd want to keep a spare room so they could visit).

So, I suspect it's going to come down to a choice between your relationship or moving for a better school for your son. Will your son benefit from a better school, but living apart from his Dad? Tough choices.

DP got significantly financially stung by his divorce. He’s due a big inheritance at some point and wants it all to go directly to his children. I understand it but I’m not prepared to sacrifice everything I have for the sake of him and SC without the security of marriage at least. He didn’t want to pay more when I was on maternity leave or part-time when DS was little, or to have another child.

Even more reason to stick to your guns

He sounds like an absolute prick.

He didn't want to pay more.... he didn't want to have another child... he doesn't want to move house... he got stung in his divorce (he absolutely didn't btw, his ex wife has singlehandedly raised his 3 children, she deserves whatever she got!).

Wtf does he bring to your relationship?

I think your partner is being unreasonable given the age of the oldest 2 and the infrequency of their stays. 20 nights a year could 100% be managed easily in a 3-bed house by just shifting things around when they come - unless you are right and he's planning on moving them in once they finish college.

Is your son totally unable to get accepted at the better schools living where you do currently?

I agree that you need to move.

BUT it doesn't matter how many people on MN agree with you.

If your DP doesn't agree then you can't move. You're stuck where you are.

Totally unable. The good schools are hugely oversubscribed with a very small catchment area. Even if we moved when he was at the end of year 6, he’d be unlikely to get in.

He needs to maintain a home for them until they are ready to maintain a home for themselves. That doesn’t mean a place on the sofa. That means a real home.

Simultaneously, my priority as a parent is my child’s education.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to ask him to live in a home without room for all his children. That doesn’t mean you need to provide that home or live together.

I would be concerned that (even if only unconsciously) he resents the fact that 'your' child is brighter than his children. This might lead him to behave in a way that sabotages 'your' child's education to bring him down to the level of his children.
I'm not saying it's deliberate / conscious but even so I would prioritize my child in this situation.

Well, I can. I can afford a decent place for me and DS in the good catchment area.

I think I need to have a serious conversation with DP because even if we could afford a huge house in the better area, I don’t think I’m up for SSs moving in unless it’s under very specific conditions which I don’t think they’d want to meet.

You never stop being a parent but at 18 they are an adult. Of course let them stay overnight or shirtbterm in the spare room if needed but it is not your responsibility to house them.

They can also do overnights at their birth mothers. Ultimately you guide them when they ask advice. But they make their own decisions now and that includes accommodation.

This is an interesting take… I don’t think he does consciously, but I know he holds a lot of guilt over how SSs academia has gone. I know posters here will say he should have done x and y but he honestly did everything he could. When children have the option of an “easier” life, a lot of the time, they’ll take it.

One of SSs was as talented as DS at sport, but quit by 12 as his mum didn’t want to take him to training and DP couldn’t do all of it (I take DS to most training sessions). I know DP feels conflicted about DS’s successes because of that. Ultimately SC and DC’s lives are very different because the households they grew up in are very different.

Thats a good point actually.

OP, thinking about if you needed to move on your own, you could free up more money buy moving to a small 2 bed if its just you and your son then. Invest the rest and have an even nicer house.

I don’t think DS is brighter necessarily, but I think he’s had the advantage of being read to daily, being helped to do homework, being taken to museums and galleries and historical sites, talking about current affairs, clubs and hobbies…

SC aren’t unintelligent at all.

Do you think SSs will start work once they finish college? Is that this summer?

I'd be very concerned that he's expecting to move them in and support them indefinitely.

Absolutely this.

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread telling OP to do what she would do if the three SC were her biological children. That is clearly bonkers! These young men already have two biological parents, OP hasn't adopted them and it's always useful to think what would happen in the case of the separation. There is every chance that they will no longer be a meaningful part of OP's life so it is really risky to pretend that SC and your own biological children aren't fundamentally different.

OP I would move. You are in a financial position to access an education that could have a huge impact on your child's life. This is something you can and should control for them. You can't control or even influence the lives of your SC as they have their own parents to do that. Your DP should treat all his children equally but of course you don't have to. They have their own mother to prioritise them.

Yeah, given your priority is rightly with your DS, it looks to this outsider at any rate, that your DH and his preferences is a luxury you can no longer afford.

And If that means you avoid having two unrelated adult men boomerang back to live with you, leave that problem for your ‘DP’ to solve.

@BlatchFord I would not hesitate to put my child first. We all want the best for our children; your SC have had access to a good school, the fact that they (and their parents) haven’t maximised on the opportunity doesn’t mean that your child’s education should suffer. Do what is right for you and your child.

As for some of the comments on this thread; some people believe that SC must be treated over and beyond other family members. In homes up and down the country it’s the norm for children to share bedrooms. My in-laws down sized from a 4 bedroom house (with 5 children living there, sharing bedrooms) as soon as DH left for university at 18 and his younger brother joined the army at 16. The brothers either had to share the dining room when home or stay with friends. My in-laws expected the 4 oldest to start making their own way in the world once they were 18 and they were all expected to have weekend jobs by 14 years old. The youngest sibling, born a decade after his next oldest sibling, was completely pandered to and continues to be bailed out by MIL well into adulthood.

Op is not stuck at all, infact she has all the power here, her partner has a a shit hand of cards and even worse if he fails to compromise..... he can't even house all of his own children by himself.

Yes they finish this summer, and no I don’t think they’ll want to start work. They have never had part-time jobs. At the moment their mum gets maintenance and universal credit for them, but after (I think) August she won’t and that’s the point at which I think DP will be asked to house them and deal with the consequences.