Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

Thanks, it has been quite stressful for DP with SSs. They’ve calmed down a lot in the last year thankfully.

DS is doing absolutely great. We do quite a lot of tutoring outside of school and he’s on track and loves his sport.

I’m not a stepmum, so I can’t really comment on the dynamics at play here.

However, I am a teacher who has worked at some failing schools, and I would rather quit my job, homeschool, and live in a tent than send any of my DC to a school like that. It’s not just the academic aspect of the school, it’s the safety and wellbeing of students. I encourage anyone to visit a school like this for a day if you think I’m exaggerating.

So, I would be rather drastic in this case, and if my DP didn’t take our DS’s education seriously, I would be making moves to leave. You said you could rent/buy a 2-bed near the better school and the school with scholarship potential. That’s what I would do.

I think it’s absolutely ok to put your child first now that secondary school is on the horizon.

You’ve made a huge sacrifice only having one child because this man already had three, you don’t need to go on forever putting everyone else before yourself and your child.

I think as long as you sit down and explain to SC why you’re moving and that even though the house will be smaller they’re still absolutely welcome and it’s still home. It just means sharing a room and this is being done so their youngest sibling has the best shot possible at a good school.

We live in an expensive area. He’s a good earner and a very hard worker, but with the cost of living, there’s very little left after paying his share of the bills, maintenance, student loans and for whatever SC need. I don’t resent his contributions now or in the past.

I don’t resent SC either but I do prioritise DS’s secondary education over their comfort 20 nights a year.

Thank you, this is how I feel too. It’s absolutely not an option to send him there. He’s at an average primary and we’ve made it work, but I’m not sending him to a secondary where he’ll be set up to fail just to have three empty bedrooms at home. Fortunately I’m in a position to ensure that doesn’t happen.

I absolutely agree that you should try to move but you need four bedrooms or four rooms that can become bedrooms, that might mean a separate dining room you make into a bedroom, or a garden room or an internatl garage that could be converted or similar.
I do think that age 19 is too young to say 'you can't live here, only stay as a guest on a sofa bed' - particularly if your home is the one close to work opportunities etc.
Yes, your ds's schooling is important, but so is your dss's launch into independent adult life.

It’s absurd for people to say why didn’t you think 10 years ago of every single possible scenario and ramification. You didn’t have a sodding crystal ball. Their mother chose to move them away. Your DP hasn’t made enough money to house his children without a majority contribution from you. Asking you to sacrifice your DS’s education for his older half siblings is absurd when they only stay 20 nights a year. They’re unlikely to all come at the same time anyway. A three bedroom house will be fine. You’ll still have a bedroom for DHs kids when they come. I’d aim for something with a big third bedroom where you could fit a bunk bed with a trundle so at Christmas everyone has a bed. As they get older they won’t keep coming as a set.

lol very easily.

very very easily.

You’re completely absolutely right and I’d die on this hill. Tell him you’re moving and you’re not funding a 5 bed for the occasional use of this older kids who already barely stay over. You’re not married, it won’t be that complicated to leave him if he really objects. But he won’t be able to keep the house without you anyway so he’s not got a lot of options.

Do the best thing for your son.

I would prioritise both under-18s.

If you ditch the 16yo now, it will likely fracture the relationship forever. Give it until 18.

Again... no idea why he has 4 kids and mature student loans. Seems completely irresponsible. 3 kids living over an hour away...!

You don't resent his contributions because this is how you've lived since meeting him. You know no different.

Absolutely your DS should come first for you... but your partner has 4 kids to consider. Your thread title is completely misleading. He has 4 kids to consider so if he need a 4/5 bed house (which is realistic) then he needs to up his game considerably.

Your DH sounds like a nightmare tbh
He shouldn't have started a second family really. Its crap for all the children

There’d be a bedroom for SD16 in the houses I’ve been looking at online. There wouldn’t be bedrooms for SSs, who’d be 20 by the time we’d move.

Agree. He seems to never put any of his children first

Re schools:

a lot depends on what the school is like and what other schools you can access, and also what your child is like.

some secondaries set in virtually every subject from the beginning so if your child is academically able they are pushed reasonably well from the start. Others don’t, and if the intake is reasonably high achieving then that can work out well as there’s a big group of hard working reasonably high attaining kids.

what are the indies like near you? Is private an option? It would save needing to move, and if there are grandparents who are prepared to contribute?

it may be worth having a chat with dp about what SS and sd are planning to do after education (although it sounds like sd will be in education for longer). Of course they may not have plans.

what is the housing situation like near you? I think most 19 year olds would prefer to live in a shared house with people their own age if possible rather than with mum or dad. Is this likely to be an option? Maybe you could offer to pay deposit and guarantee their rent if you downsize?

Yes, move to where you want for your child's education. Otherwise, odds are the SC will all be with you in their bedrooms dependent on you, well into their 20's. Make it impossible now.

When maintenance ends will your DP have more money to contribute to a mortgage?
Is buying a 3 bed and then converting the attic/ adding a garden room doable?

The local secondary is honestly awful. The results are very poor, and neighbours’ kids have gone there and hated it. Lots of bullying, fights, and disruptive behaviour. A lot of people here in this neighbourhood move for secondary or send their DC to independent schools. We live on the border between a very deprived and a very privileged area.

SD wants to do A-Levels at her current school then an apprenticeship. She’s no bother and if she wanted to move to ours she’d be welcome, but her boyfriend and friends are near her mum’s so she doesn’t, plus the school she’s at is better than our current local.

SSs… They don’t know what they want to do. They barely go to college, they have never had part time jobs, and they have no desire to work or study. I love them and want the best for them, but I do sometimes find their behaviour disrespectful, noisy, messy and entitled. I suspect that come summer, when they’re not at college and no longer bring in any money, their mum will be sick of them and will want to offload them to us.

Fair enough.

But he is obviously a low contributor to your family unit as you thought it relevant to bring that up (debt / maintenance) to justify you having more financial / moral right to call the shots on the potential downsize. I can understand why you hold resentment and frustration here - I suspect you don’t want your own DS going the way of his older sons.

I agree you should move to prioritise a good school for the youngest child. If 3 bedrooms is the maximum affordable, one for you, one for youngest, I would set up the third bedroom with two single beds, then either both sons can stay at the same time or daughter can stay alone. It seems unlikely all three will want to stay overnight at the same time? If they do all stay as three, you need to find a way stretch to a 4-bed house.

The way you talk about the wider situation raises concerns. You talk about yourself as the breadwinner, but say that your husband does also work. You talk about his money going on loans and child maintenance - these are family costs not just his costs. It seems like you see this as the step children as his alone, and your son is yours, and your view on this should count as more because you are paying. That’s a concerning state for a relationship to be in.

It’s very rare that a house comes up with extension potential, because the area is so expensive and it’s already been done, with the asking price reflecting that.

He pays about £700 a month maintenance at the moment, plus phone bills and SSs’ car insurance. Theoretically he would have a lot more money in 3 years, but realistically I expect a lot of that will still go out on SC in one way or another. And by that time I want DS to be settled in secondary already.

I disagree with you. Student loans and maintenance are his costs, not family costs. We’re not married.

Interested to know how you split household expenses then?
Does he pay the majority of everything because he has the bigger family and you just have you and your DS?

I do feel like I have made a lot of sacrifices in life because DP has SC, and that’s my decision I have to live with. But I’m not sacrificing DS’s education so SSs can have empty spare bedrooms. You’re right that I want DS to be in a much better position when he’s their age.

We bought the house in unequal shares, I pay 75% of the mortgage and he pays 25%. My original deposit is protected.

We split all the other household costs 50/50. Pay our own hobby costs, phones, cars. I pay for most of our holidays, both with SC and without; we discuss and decide together based on what we can collectively afford. He pays for SC’s phones, car and maintenance. I pay into savings for DS.