Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

So in your shoes I would move

Before doing so have a honest conversation with the boys as to your motivation

im not sure why he would still be paying maintenance for his boys in three years though

Ok well I think that context adds a lot more clarity.

You essentially own 75% of the equity in the house plus your deposit (there or thereabouts). That changes an awful lot IMO. I would 100% go out and buy a house for you and your son... in your name only.

I wouldn't be living with a man who is contributing 25% and sponging holidays etc off me. A man who has chosen to live an hour from his older kids (I know the mother moved, but my DH would have left me there and then to remain close to his children). He has been a part time father and is directing all his funds to student loans (I know I've said a few times but I'm just baffled by this at his age) and paying for cars and phone bills for kids who are old enough to have a PT job alongside college!

He could then get a 3 bed house in a cheaper area and have his kids visit him in subgroups!

Surely there is scope to be creative here.

I would agree you dont keep bedrooms for children that hardly ever visit/stay over and its not going to be practical to wait until they're living independently, that might be for another 10 years or so

But you could get a house with enough of a back garden to build one of those annexes, with a toilet, sink, shower, living space and thats their place to stay

I also see nothing wrong with a sofa bed given the limited times they come.

OP, what would you do if the teenagers were your own birth children?
Do that.

This question is moot because I wouldn’t have had four biological children.

I suppose in reality, if he hadnt found you and been able to be housed by way of a very small contribution, he could well have needed to live in a one or two bedroomed flat. The kids wouldnt be able to have their own rooms there either

I dont see it as any difference to move to a smaller house and they have to share.

But you started a family with a man who already had 3?

The OPs updates seem to suggest they don't particularly live as a blended family unit. So this was always going to come to a head I think.

Like I said I have no issue with his contributions; paying more of the house has enabled me to build up significant assets in my name and I think it’s fair that I pay 50% of other household costs as I chose to make these people my household!

Paying for cars and phone bills, well, it’s his choice, and I expect I’ll want to do the same for DS when he’s a teenager. The car and phones mean they can stay in touch easier so I understand the intention.

I do understand that DP feels responsible for SSs even as adults, and wants to be able to house them comfortably and indefinitely, but I think his guilt over how they’ve been through their teens is clouding his responsibility to provide a decent education for DS.

Yeah, I didn’t give birth to them though, hence they’re not my biological children. I didn’t adopt them either. They have two parents. Hope that makes sense.

We don’t - I see them 5/6 weeks a year

I think you should move, especially if the school is as bad as you say.
Someone had a good idea of having a garden room/summer house that could be used as a spare room.
I think you just be honest and give the reason of the failing school.

Indeed, but your partner was already responsible for 3 children when you chose to have your child with him

I don’t get what your point is? I’m not financially responsible for SC. I care about them, and would step in if they needed me to be, but they have two perfectly capable parents already.

Yes; a summer house would be a good suggestion if we can find somewhere with a big enough garden.

I think those garden rooms can be got for about 20k, not small amount of money but not criplling either if you are remortgaging

Then it would be good to give them a purpose, to contribute by way of the installation putting things together, the decor, finding bits of furniture and housewares for themselves, help them invest in it.

Ok.

so you are not married. You don’t really have blended finances and a lot of the assets belong to you.

the step kids don’t live with you in any meaningful sense and clearly don’t see you as mum.

if you split up with dp, or continued the relationship while living separately you’d have no problems sorting out housing and your sons education but dp by the sound of it would have trouble housing his kids if indeed he wanted to.

i’d suggest bringing this to him as a problem rather than a solution though. Say to him that you want DS to go to either a different state school or indie and does he have any ideas about how to do that while still giving the step kids support to launch into their adult lives?

he may not have answers but at least he’ll start thinking about it.

Definitely put your child first and move.

I am a step-parent also. My stepson is a teen and bio kid is a toddler and one more on the way. I am the main earner in our household. We are married but obviously weren't always!

The differences between your setup and my setup (and perhaps it's because he has 3 older kids) is that I see my stepchild as my child. All in. Housing, food, clothing, haircuts, phone bill... everything he needs I also see as mh responsibility in our house. Because I chose to make him my family... I chose to be with a man who came with a child already. Our incomes don't match but my DH does most of the childcare and cooking so I can warn more. I never ever contemplated that we would divvy up our house (bought before I had a child, and before we were married) anything but equally. If my stepson needs money for school or a haircut or something it comes from a joint account. So housing him even into adulthood is a priority for me... the world we live in now, kids aren't independent at 20 anymore.

Your situation reads very different. You both made a very formal decision to divvy the assets so you have protection in the future. Of course there's no issues paying for the likes of phones and cars for your children (absolutely we will do the same if we can for our kids at that age)... but yiue partner cannot afford it. He cannot afford to bloody house all his children nevermind pay all thoee extra bills. And just to be clear... why doesn't he just pay toward one twin and the mother toward the other? Where's her responsibility in all this?

In your situation I would 100% go and take your DC, buy a house solely in your name that you can afford and cut your partner loose. He's tying to dictate where you can live whilst he currently owns roughly 1 bedroom in the house he's adamant on keeping for his extensive family?

Realistically how much would he save if he wasn't paying for phones and cars, maintenance will drop in 2 yrs probably? And be fully gone in maybe 5 years? So all taht extra monthly savings could go toward an attic conversion or garden room for his older kids. But he doesn't need to prioritise right now but he can sponge off you.

@BlatchFord you are the breadwinner, you're funding everything and he wants you to defer to him and his children!?
I think he can duck off with those ideas!

Well his answer is clear already, he thinks the solution to the problem is to stay where they are and the son go to the local school surely? Ie he doesnt see a 'problem'

My position would be, if we cant move together I will move alone with our son and you'll need to house yourself and your 3 children plus have room for our son to stay over. How are you goig to afford that?

If you move and get a three bed, if you get one with a sufficient size garden is there the option to create an outhouse that could double as a self contained living/ sleeping space when the twin 19yo’s stay? And the rest of the time could be for guests, entertaining etc?!

In an ideal world if you could get a three bed already with an outhouse you could adapt would be great.

I feel the struggle as we are 50/50 for a stepchild and the logistics of bedrooms etc has caused issues at points. It’s all worked out now though xx

Another man who thinks that being a man makes him automatically the boss, that being a man entitles him to have everything on his terms.
Don't let him turn you into his servant 🤬

The oldest two are only 19. It's far too soon to think about them as independent. I'd wait until they are fully independent, especially if they may wish to live with their dad in the near future.

I agree. It isn’t OPs responsibility to house these people. They have two parents to do that.

I would move and downsize. DP can see the DC as often as he wants.