DSS making me miserable :(

miserablestepmum · 2025-10-15T11:40:52+00:00

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s ^bone idle,^ works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in. He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect. The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “f*^ing evil b^*h” and continued to scream abuse before storming off. My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that. I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

cobrakaieaglefang · 15/10/2025 12:47

Leave

Starlight7080 · 15/10/2025 12:55

Leave. He cant kick out his son . Not that his son doesnt sound horrible.
If you have the means to live elsewhere I bet you would be a lot more relaxed

loopsaloo · 15/10/2025 13:09

Feel your pain OP. My DSS is 24 and lives with us he’s like a child. Cannot do anything for himself.
Lazy, incapable but he isn’t unpleasant.
DH doesn’t seem to see it. I’m treading a fine line constantly as he’s supposed to moving out in a year or so. Games constantly when he’s not working, he’s works from home 4 days a week. Absolutely addicted to his phone. You’re not alone x

Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 13:25

loopsaloo · 15/10/2025 13:09

Feel your pain OP. My DSS is 24 and lives with us he’s like a child. Cannot do anything for himself.
Lazy, incapable but he isn’t unpleasant.
DH doesn’t seem to see it. I’m treading a fine line constantly as he’s supposed to moving out in a year or so. Games constantly when he’s not working, he’s works from home 4 days a week. Absolutely addicted to his phone. You’re not alone x

Thanks :)

My DSS wasn't unpleasant until I saw a different side of him the other night.

He can't cook, though I've tried to teach him, he's not interested, glued to his phone too, addicted to gambling ... it just goes on, I constantly feel stressed with it. At least you "might" be seeing the end of the tunnel x

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Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 13:27

Starlight7080 · 15/10/2025 12:55

Leave. He cant kick out his son . Not that his son doesnt sound horrible.
If you have the means to live elsewhere I bet you would be a lot more relaxed

I get he can't kick him out.

I admit I got to the point the other night of having to go our separate ways and I feel if it doesn't improve that's the only solution now, i've had enough.

My DH even said to him, pack you bag, "we're" leaving!

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ThejoyofNC · 15/10/2025 13:32

Who owns the home?

Snorlaxo · 15/10/2025 13:33

The only way that dss will leave is if if he moved in with his mum or managed to con a girlfriend to take him in.

Yanbu to be driven crazy but he’s a product of his upbringing and unlikely to change considering how long his parents allowed him to drift along.

Leaving is the only way that you’ll get to escape the situation. If you stay you’ll have decades of this.

Endofyear · 15/10/2025 13:45

Your husband is the problem. He allows his adult son to behave like this. He's not supportive of you if he allows this disrespectful behaviour. You shouldn't feel like this in your own home.

Do you own the home jointly? If he's not willing to give his son a deadline to move out, your only option is to sell the house, take your share and go your separate ways.

Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 13:54

ThejoyofNC · 15/10/2025 13:32

Who owns the home?

We took out a mortgage on it four years ago, I put down 60% in cash, which is ring-fenced. So if anything were to happen, the money I contributed would remain mine, and the rest would be split between us

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Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 13:57

Endofyear · 15/10/2025 13:45

Your husband is the problem. He allows his adult son to behave like this. He's not supportive of you if he allows this disrespectful behaviour. You shouldn't feel like this in your own home.

Do you own the home jointly? If he's not willing to give his son a deadline to move out, your only option is to sell the house, take your share and go your separate ways.

I agree with you. I’ve told my DH that his son is like this because he’s been allowed to be. He’s done everything for him and still does, so when his son is asked to do something, he doesn’t, knowing his dad will just do it to avoid the hassle.

We took out a mortgage, I put 60% cash, which is ring-fenced. If anything happens, my contribution stays mine, and the rest is split

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Mizztikle · 15/10/2025 13:59

The only way he's going to change is him getting his own place, where he will have to do all of those thing for himself.
If he remains at home why would he change, he has no reason.

Ponderingwindow · 15/10/2025 14:07

your husband has failed as a parent. He needs to insist on a full-time job and being a good housemate as conditions of living at home. In the short-term, the WiFi can be turned off when not job hunting.

roseymoira · 15/10/2025 14:15

You need to give him a deadline, say by the end of the year, he has to move out in the first week of January. Remind him regularly and stick to it. Plenty of time to get a proper job and find a house share

Silverbirchleaf · 15/10/2025 14:18

Dss is a young adult, who, to use a cliche has ‘failed to launch.

“…addicted to gambling ... “ This will never end well. Is he in debt from gambling do you know?

Give yourself permission to leave, or at least , give him a deadline (Christmas?)) to improve. You don’t have to say you’re thinking of leaving, maybe imply he’ll have to find somewhere else. ‘Improve’ means look for a full one job, pay rent, cook one n meal a week or show a willingness to learn, do some household chores, even if it’s just taking the bin out, hoovering and keeping his room tidy.

If you give a deadline, it gives you time to quietly in the background plan your exit, so you’re ready and prepared, if you do decide to take this route.

Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 14:20

roseymoira · 15/10/2025 14:15

You need to give him a deadline, say by the end of the year, he has to move out in the first week of January. Remind him regularly and stick to it. Plenty of time to get a proper job and find a house share

His dad has given him deadlines before and then never followed them up.

So if he says that he just won't believe it and he doesn't have a decent enough job or money so he definitely won't think he has to find somewhere himself.

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Beamur · 15/10/2025 14:20

Your DH needs to step up.
DSS has crossed the line here.
Time to fly the nest. You're doing him a favour long term. The longer this lazy git sponges on you, the less likely he is to move out.

Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 14:26

Silverbirchleaf · 15/10/2025 14:18

Dss is a young adult, who, to use a cliche has ‘failed to launch.

“…addicted to gambling ... “ This will never end well. Is he in debt from gambling do you know?

Give yourself permission to leave, or at least , give him a deadline (Christmas?)) to improve. You don’t have to say you’re thinking of leaving, maybe imply he’ll have to find somewhere else. ‘Improve’ means look for a full one job, pay rent, cook one n meal a week or show a willingness to learn, do some household chores, even if it’s just taking the bin out, hoovering and keeping his room tidy.

If you give a deadline, it gives you time to quietly in the background plan your exit, so you’re ready and prepared, if you do decide to take this route.

I don't want to come across dismissive but we've done all this. I've tried to teach/encourage him to cook, he's not interested, I've done his CV, helped him find a job, got him an interview and no interest. He hates his job but loves the hours as he's hardly there, which gives him more time to game/gamble/sleep.

I've left a note for him to do a certain thing in the house before he goes to work, he either ignores it or says he didn't see it.

I think the problem we have now is we've had this conversation so many times he just ignores it.

I'm hoping that what went on the other night how he spoke to me will show him this time when we give him a deadline it's serious and things change and he sorts himself out.

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GeorgeMichaelsCat · 15/10/2025 14:26

My DH is stuck in the middle

No he isn't, he is weak and ineffectual. His son is this way as he doesn't want to be a parent and have difficult conversations. Unless his son moves out, he will never change and stand on his own two feet.

Sassylovesbooks · 15/10/2025 14:31

You have a husband issue here. He has failed to parent his son, and address poor behaviour, whilst he's been growing up. Now, you are suffering the consequences. He's grown into a man-child, incapable of looking after himself, lazy and has zero motivation to better himself. Your husband is the person who should be telling his son, that enough is enough. Time to find a full-time job, keep his room clean/tidy, responsible for bringing down rubbish/dirty crockery and his own laundry. He has until Christmas to sort himself out and start being considerate of the other people in the house, or he needs to find a house share. If your step-son isn't prepared to do as he's asked, then your husband needs to have some balls and follow through by telling him he needs to find a house share. The only way your step-son is going to learn, is by some tough love.

Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 14:39

Sassylovesbooks · 15/10/2025 14:31

You have a husband issue here. He has failed to parent his son, and address poor behaviour, whilst he's been growing up. Now, you are suffering the consequences. He's grown into a man-child, incapable of looking after himself, lazy and has zero motivation to better himself. Your husband is the person who should be telling his son, that enough is enough. Time to find a full-time job, keep his room clean/tidy, responsible for bringing down rubbish/dirty crockery and his own laundry. He has until Christmas to sort himself out and start being considerate of the other people in the house, or he needs to find a house share. If your step-son isn't prepared to do as he's asked, then your husband needs to have some balls and follow through by telling him he needs to find a house share. The only way your step-son is going to learn, is by some tough love.

I 100% agree and I'm in a place now where this is going to happen and I'm not letting it go. I've told my DH that he's the reason he's like this, he's allowed him to take the piss.

I went in his room this morning as he's gone away for a week, and he's left it in a tip, cups with coffee in them, cans, rubbish, it's a joke!

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MaggiesShadow · 15/10/2025 14:46

The harsh reality here is that you can't control anyone's actions but you're own.

You can't make him change and you can't make your husband change. Yours is the only life you're fully in charge of, so it's time to face facts. Do you want to live like this for an unknown amount of time? Will you be elderly and living with a middle-aged man slob who takes advantage of you until you die? Because that is literally a possibility. Maybe even a probability.

You need to consider if this is a dealbreaker and be willing to leave if it is. You say you've tried everything before and nothing works. You say your husband has no plans to follow through on anything.

So? Are you willing to end this and stop living like this? If not, then you're sort of volunteering for the misery.

Original poster

miserablestepmum · 15/10/2025 14:53

MaggiesShadow · 15/10/2025 14:46

The harsh reality here is that you can't control anyone's actions but you're own.

You can't make him change and you can't make your husband change. Yours is the only life you're fully in charge of, so it's time to face facts. Do you want to live like this for an unknown amount of time? Will you be elderly and living with a middle-aged man slob who takes advantage of you until you die? Because that is literally a possibility. Maybe even a probability.

You need to consider if this is a dealbreaker and be willing to leave if it is. You say you've tried everything before and nothing works. You say your husband has no plans to follow through on anything.

So? Are you willing to end this and stop living like this? If not, then you're sort of volunteering for the misery.

Wow, this is a really good point thank you.

No, I'm not willing to carry on now. I have put up with his behaviour for four years, I actually walked out the other night when it all happened, so I think my DH realises the seriousness and that I'm done if it doesn't improve.

However the more I read what you've all said I think the outcome here is that he gets a deadline to move out in the new year, I can't see myself living with him now after the things he said to me.

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Icanttakethisanymore · 15/10/2025 15:01

As you say, deadlines for DSS won't work. Set your own deadline and say if things don't change by X then you are moving out and putting the house on the market.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/10/2025 15:02

So has your DH and his son gone on holiday?

FeedingPidgeons · 15/10/2025 15:08

Deadline for son to be gone, and make it clear to your H that if the deadline is missed, he can expect divorce papers the following morning and the house listed for sale.

The H needs to understand that you are serious and actually make his son leave.

Question though, do you want to be married to someone who is either totally wet or absolutely fine with you being treated like shit?