DSS making me miserable :(

[miserablestepmum]

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

I would be using this week to get legal and financial advice, seeing if it's possible to buy DH out of the home and wave him off with his twenty percent and his son. They can live in filth, shouting the odds at each other. Think how nice it would be to live in a calm home OP, no mess, no arguments, nobody taking advantage of you. Doesn't it sound nice.

I can only imagine what your sons think privately of this situation.
I would imagine huge disappointment in and for you, that you would tolerate this.

How is inheritance going to work?
Those two losers wont let that house go easily as you age.

Best advice so far @miserablestepmum

Your DH needs to know he can go too. He has caused this problem, 4 years is ridiculous to allow a grown adult to behave like a spoiled child. If he has money to gamble, he has money to rent a room.

Are your own sons in the position where they could help buy out your husband? As horrible as it is to think about, if anything happened to your husband, you'd be stuck with this man child owning part of your home and you'd never get rid of him.

I have it in my will, along with having ring fenced my cash input, it states the first £amout I put it gets split between my sons then the rest gets split between the four of them.

You're really stuck between a rock and a hard place here and your hand is being forced by the two men you live with. They want things to stay the way they are because it suits them. You just stay in your box, do everything, and suck it up buttercup.

Well fuck that.

The sad inevitability is that nothing will change until you change it.

Can I suggest that your first move might be to emotionally detach from them both so that you can think about what YOU want, rather than what you want THEM to do. Picture what your life might look like without them in your own home. How does that feel?

Think about decluttering your things, reorganising your wardrobe, do things just for you.

Would you want to sell the house or buy him out? If you decide to sell, then get the ball rolling and speak to a few local agents.

Take back control of your life. Stop doing things for them and be quite clear it's because you're sick of being treated like dirt and you're not their bloody servant.

Start taking steps towards a better, happier future. You deserve it.

Actually that's a really good idea thank you.

Yes my boys have money and inheritance their dad is keeping for them so I could throw that one in to DH that it's something I've thought about.

His DS wouldn't own part of my home whilst I am still around and if anything did happen to DH I would sell up and move as it's too big for one person. He would then have to find somewhere.

These are really good points thank you. I am making notes here so I can have them to hand later.

They do want things to stay as they are. The house is pretty immaculate because I won't live in a shit tip so I keep it tidy, with the help of a weekly cleaner.

I’ve definitely emotionally detached from DS. As for my DH, I’ve barely spoken to him this past week. After he failed to support me, I just feel a lot of resentment. Seeing how weak he is and knowing deep down that nothing will change, makes him really unattractive to me right now.

I think you've got some really good advice here and you are a kind, strong woman - send that text and stick by it!
If for some reason you do still have him hear until Christmas can you change the goal posts - no cooking for him, rent goes seriously up (or you stop buying his food), and internet goes off. These are physical changes you have the power to implement immediately and stick with - having no food or internet might get the message through to him (and your dh)

@miserablestepmum you've taught your DC to be self sufficent, he never has. Too many seperated Dad's won't make their DC behave, they're afraid if they tell them off their kids won't see them anymore so you end up with your DSS, lazy and entitled.

At 24 he won’t change easily. This sounds like the behaviour of a 14 year old. Your DH hasn’t stepped up and prefers not to cause a fuss. So it will continue. Meanwhile, a dirty lazy adult male has abused you in your own home. I’m furious for you! Glad you’re in the superior financial position here. I would start the ball rolling on kicking them both out.

The resentment you're feeling for your DH right now is probably all the pent-up anger and frustration because he's refused to step up and now look where you are.

This is why it's important to emotionally detach from him too, otherwise you won't be able to think straight because of the anger and resentment you quite rightly feel.

It's important for you to keep yourself calm, collected, and clear-thinking while you decide how you're going to resolve this.

Prepare yourself for any number of reactions when they realise you are serious. Guilt, promises to change, anger, DARVO* (which is a particular favourite when they go into a panic).

*Denial, Anger, reverse victim and offender - so they depict themselves as victims of your behaviour.

Channel your inner warrior woman.

this is exactly it, he's scared to upset him because he doesn't wanty his DS to think bad of him. He also thinks if he tells him to go he won't see him, that he won't come round at Christmas for instance, I said he's not going to cut his nose off ... if he does that's up to him, that's blackmailing us into not sending him on his way.

Thank you :)

I definitely feel resentment every time I look at my DH at the moment, I can't belive he's let it come to this, I really dislike him for it. The only way this is going to go is if he steps up, which I will be surprised if he does.

Thank you

The internet will definitely be going off, I will be removing the box, he's not sitting on his game all day whilst he's supposed to be finding a job, if he does end up being here - which isn't the plan!

And I agree, I have had some amazing advice and tips thank you all 😍

I'm going off now as I need to get on with my work ... I will update you, probably tomorrow now when I've had the discussion with DH tonight

I think you are really brave and asking him not to come home shows him how serious you are about this. The shouting DP… I would just leave the room Everytime and tell him you will come back when he can have an adult conversation… oh and hide those keys!!!

Forget DH, this is now up to you. Nothing is going to change - lets be honest - so it's time to make some hard choices. You either stay in this marriage and accept the fact that this is how life will be, or you walk away. I disagree with everyone saying that DH can't kick him out, he's 24 not 14 or even 18. I'm not usually in the LTB camp, but this situation is ridiculous and totally unfair on you. I would leave and let DH deal with his son, perhaps then he'll realise how awful it really is. It feels like you are bearing the brunt of his issues.

He could , he’s 23 he’s not a child.

We had something similar a few years ago (thank God it was pre covid)

Dps dd moved in and thought she didnt have to get a job,do any cleaning up after herself (we where the servants)would demand stuff she wanted or a tantrum would happen,unlimited wifi,all meals cooked for her,days out ruined due to her tantrums,she refused to pay any rent or speak to us normally (it was either shouting at us or snearing)

Her room was a shit tip of uneaten food,mouldy crap all over the place,dirty clothes all over the floor and I lost every single one of my mugs to her room but would be screamed at if I dared to go in

I lasted about 2 months before I snapped and told her she had a cushy life with us and to get a job,pay a peppercorn rent or fuck off

Dp tried to stick up for her ('she's had a hard life!') and was told to either back me up or fuck off

A long story short,I left and refused to come back until she was gone

She left and went running back to her mother,who in turn slung her and her shitty attitude out so she went running to soft touch granny-thinking that 'she's an old lady,good for a few quid and a soft touch-im the eldest grandchild and will play her like a fiddle'

Only she discovered that granny may be a soft touch who adores her but had been around the block more times than she had

To her horror she found she had to get a job,pay rent and put up living with an old lady which cramped her style (and the fact granny lives in the country and refused to drive her around on a whim)

She ended up going to uni and had another shock that nothing in life was free

Shes tried coming back to us but I won't have her in the house (dp can see her as much as he likes,but I won't have her back)

She did pull some very nasty stunts against me (you can go to prison for some of the stuff she's done) but she had to learn that you dont bite the hand that feeds you

I'm lucy that dp 'chose' me but if he hadn't stuck up for me and backed me up,I would have walked away and not looked back

I have dc (all adults now) but they wouldn't have dreamt of treating anyone like that

Part of the problem was she had been babied all her life (she was 18 and had never touched a kettle or made a sandwich) and expected the same at ours-only she came across me and I refused to have this in my own home

I’m so glad you’ve financially protected yourself OP. More of this please!
Get them both gone. You’ve got your head screwed on and will be just fine

Sons like that can end up abusive, controlling and intimidating of older women.

Do you really want to be 60 with him telling you what you can do in your home and beind afraid.

There is no coming back from this.

I think you have been targeted and used by them both deliberately.

You are housing two losers.
They think you are a mug and likely don't believe after 4 years of you tolerating it, you will back down.

These are not good mdn.
They are low class losers.

Contact women’s aid and start going to support groups and learn how to get out of living with domestic abuse

Update

So I had a long conversation with DH last night re: his DS not coming back into the house after his holiday.

I’d written down my points and while there was a lot of back and forth, it stayed calm. He listened, commented and took on board how I was feeling.

He agrees with everything I’ve said about his DS, but insists he can’t just kick him out because “he has no one.” I mentioned his brother, yes, it’s a one-bed flat, but he could sleep on the sofa.

I was clear that things cannot continue as they are. It’s been four years, and nothing has improved. Every time we try to talk to his DS, he shuts down, says we’re “having a go,” and then carries on as if nothing happened. If we let him come back without consequences, what message does that send about how he’s treated me?

I told him if he doesn’t stand with me on this then I don’t see how we can move forward.

So after a lot of discussion, he asked me to consider a compromise.
His DS can come back, but only for one month.
During that month, he must find full-time work.
He can’t stay at his current job as that allows him to slip back into part time.
DH will set clear expectations for his behaviour and responsibilities in the house.
If, after two weeks, there’s no sign of effort, no job applications or interviews then DH will find him somewhere else to live and he’ll leave at the end of the month.

I already had a text drafted telling DSS he wouldn’t be returning. I plan to edit and send it, making it clear that he’s not welcome back unless he fully commits to this plan and that if he doesn’t, he’ll have to go.

I told DH I’d think it over today and that we’d talk again later. My concern now is: if DS refuses to leave when the time comes, what do we actually do?

I also showed DH the mortgage figures and told him that, if necessary, I’d speak to my exDH about releasing money from our sons’ funds to buy him out. That definitely took him by surprise.

This whole situation has become such a massive stress. I’m completely worn down by it all.

This is ok but be prepared for things to slide and the same shit to happen

Your dp/dh really needs to stand by his word,not get worn down and everything goes back to how it has been

I'd still prepare for the worst and get everything in a row just in case

Be prepared to walk away and dont go back

If life has taught me anything,words are cheap-it's actions you need

Sending support and love xxx

Very difficult OP for you, however after 4 years of being lied to, dismissed and shut down, I wouldn't trust your husband as far as you could throw him.

He is not a good man.
He has allowed this shit show continue, witnessed your distress and abuse by his son, and still held back.

Not a good man.

I would tell him that there is such a large breach of trust by him that you intend to move forward and speak to your ex husband about buying him out.

That you no longer feel like a team and that you intend to protect yourself.
You no longer feel any connection to his son after his abuse of you and you really don't want to live with him.

That you are now in your head making plans to split as 4 years is enough.
He has betrayed your marriage with his treatment of you.

I really would spell it out to him that actually you are now detached from him.

Kindly OP, but he has zero respect for you.
He clearly thinks you were desperate for him, and therefore you would accept his bullshit, as you have for 4 years.

There has been a huge imbalance in your relationship.

I wouldn't be saying "oh ok lets start afresh", that is what he expects from you.

I think you should say having thought about it, I actually think it could be too late for us. I don't trust you or your son to be honest and decent, so I will speak to my ex that I may need money to end our relationship. I need to be prepared for this to end, its sensible for me.

Kick him hard so you put the total frighteners on him.

I would also say I will seek legal advice too.

We teach people how to treat us and you taught him and his son to treat you like dirt.

Time now to show him your steel and that you are fully prepared to walk away.