DSS making me miserable :(

[miserablestepmum]

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

@miserablestepmumI feel the text (or real life conversation) should come from your DH not you. As if it's just from you it would dump all the 'blame' on just you for making these changes moving forward.
I'd step back for the month, see how DH enforces the new boundaries and then take it from there.

Thank you

The only reason I will agree to this is if I get the right answer when I ask how we get him out if he won't go after the 4 weeks.

DH realises this is the end of the line with me regarding his DS now and I do feel he's taking it seriously.

Actually that's a good idea, I will send it to my DH to send to him.

That is definitely my plan, I won't be getting involved at all.

Fingers crossed, OP

He was surprised by you talking about buying him out because he's never taken this seriously @miserablestepmum , he thought you'd complain but keep going like he does. Now he knows you're willing to buy him out and make him leave too it might be just the wake up call he needs

Definitely!

You shouldn’t be the one sending the message to him your husband should be otherwise he won’t take it seriously.

The sad thing is he will probably only do something about the situation now he knows you have the ability to buy him out. Why oh why do parents do this to their dc? To allow them not to function as an adult? I see it already with my ds11 and his dad - he dare not pull him up on anything because he is afraid ds won’t want to see him even though I have told him I will back him if ds needs telling (and I don’t even like ds dad but still want him to step up and parent when he has ds)

Op - if no change after 2 weeks then DP will find him a place. Well really the adult child should be finding his own place. He is still treating him like a child

4 weeks for a full time job - does he not have a contract at his part time job. Quite difficult to get a full time job where I live that quickly.

Is his son ASD / ND would explain some things ?!?!? ….

Good luck but he will always stand by his son and he is happy with this situation for a long time

I hope your partner is strong for you though if you want to be with him.

Although, there is always an excuse Xmas (don’t want to be lonely) b days blah blah the excuses can keep on coming.

Personally, I’d move out get yourself a place of your own and then you can decide what you want to do and who you invite in your home as you both have different view points.

Hope it works out for you though and sorry for the nasty names that’s must of been really upsetting.
Although it’s happened at the 4 year point and that’s better than the 10/20 year point. Never should of happened though but you still do have your life to live and make it enjoyable for you and not a skivvy to someone else

Good luck

Would it be worth getting the house valued & finding out the legal steps to buy DH out? Then present DH with the information. Just reinforcing your stance that the current situation will not continue and you will go ahead with removing both of them.
Give DH a cold hard dose of reality. He will lose his wife, his home and his comfortable life for his selfish feckless son.

The OP's partner does need to step up and parent his adult child by enforcing his 'promises' to the OP. But why should she move out? She by far owns the majority of the house with the massive ringfenced deposit and the agreed split of 50:50 on the remainder. Why let a cocklodger and his equally repellent offspring push her out of her house. They're the dependents. Not her. Frankly I'd have kicked them out long ago with a payoff for the small part of the house ownership. They can slope off and experience life together in a suitable shithole.

I think she needs her own property as they will both have excuses. Clean break as such new property new house. These things can last for years with false promises depending what ever she wants to do. Sometimes easier to move out rather than hoping someone will change. It will change for a bit (maybe) and then once comfortable again it will go back to him without money / no job blah blah

Hopefully the partner will get it sorted but I think he might take advantage of her good nature and she doesn’t like the confrontation.

Stress is a killer too - personally I’d just go and then I can take control of my own life.

She will have to pick though ….. I do wish her well though she seems so lovely!

Still watching with interest OP.
i just don’t have the nuts to confront DH at the moment. Also a long history of problems with SD aswell which are never ending x

I haven't, I wrote it and my DH has sent it to him today.

I think the fact I went to the discussion with him last night with the mortgage figures, how much is my % and told him that my son's have the money to buy him out if need be shocked him. So I don't feel i need to go down that route yet. But I feel he knows I will if I need to now.

Exactly! My DH has been scared to upset him, well no more. He's enabled his laziness and his inability to do anything for himself and look where it's got him.

That's good you are on the same page as your ex, maybe you need to sit down together and talk to him, or he will end up like my DSS

Why don't you have the guts to confront your DH if you're going through similar. If you tell me I might be able to give you some advice so you're not in my situation four years down the line.

It's hard though as they get on one as soon as you mention their darling child.

You need to ask yourself you you think it’s ok to keep quiet and put everyone else’s happiness in front of your own. Advocate for yourself and the life you deserve.

Here's an idea OP, your DH finds himself and his son a flat to rent now. Both live in it, when his son is established with a new full time job your DH returns to the home he shares with you. It will only be a few weeks after all as he's fully intended on giving his son a kick up the arse right?

He won't go for that as he has no intention of doing anything to shift his son, he's just dangling a promise to get you back in your box, knowing once son is back there's no getting him out as it's so close to Christmas/New Year/St Patrick's day/insert flimsy excuse as needed.

How is he gambling and gaming? You're a little late I would say but turn the WiFi off charge him rent and tell him he's got x amount of time to get a job!

oh that's on his list - the WiFi is going off each evening so he can't sit on it all night and sleep all day. He is being given 2 weeks to find a job or at least prove he's loooking daily and getting interviews.

The agreement is he has 2 weeks to find a job and change his ways in the house, if we don't see proof of that then my DH is going to help him sort a place and 2 weeks later he goes. I asked my DH what if he won't go, he said he will pack his bags himself! I do believe him but, if it doesn't happen then I've done all I can, and he knows this

@miserablestepmumdid your step son agree to the new regime? Do you think he will take what you are both saying seriously? I am pleased your husband is seeing things from you're perspective.

He said we’re pushing him out, but DH made it very clear , he’s not being pushed out. If he does what’s being asked of him, he has a home here.

DH handled it really well. He went through everything that needs to change, starting with getting a full-time job within two weeks or at least having interviews lined up. Then he covered the rest: the house, his room, his behaviour, everything. I stayed out of it and just listened.

He’s been told that we need to see real changes within two weeks. If not, then in a month he’ll have to move out. He stormed off, but DH left him a written list and told him to read it every day.

This morning DH text him to ask if he’d been to the job centre yet.

We'll see now won't we.

OP, your latest update sounds promising