DSS making me miserable :(

[miserablestepmum]

I’ve name changed for this. sorry for the length

I live with my DH and my DSS (23), and I’ve reached breaking point. He’s bone idle, works part-time in a shop, spends the rest of his time in his room gaming, often all night so he wakes us up, sleeps all day. His room stinks, hardly ever changes his bedding, leaves dirty dishes/rubbish up there, refuses to help around the house. He won’t even feed the pets when we’re away, we have to get someone in.

He’s been like this for the four years we’ve lived here. My DH tells him off occasionally but never follows through, so there’s zero respect.

The final straw came last week while we were on holiday. I asked him to pick up a parcel from his work , he ignored my messages completely. When we got home I confronted him about ignoring me, then it led to other stuff he doesn't do, he exploded, called me a “fing evil bh” and continued to scream abuse before storming off.

My DH is stuck in the middle, supportive of me but also of his son. He says the only real option is to tell him to leave, but DSS barely works and couldn’t afford it. I don’t want him in the same house as me now, though I feel torn for my DH and because I wouldn’t want this for my own sons, though they have never behaved like this or spoken to me like that.

I’m miserable in my own home. I’m stressed, angry, and uncomfortable. When he’s back from holiday, we plan to sit him down, but I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this because we’ve had this conversation numerous times and he doesn’t change. I need serious help ☹

This is so right.

I do start to feel annoyed when I hear DH and DSS chatting away happily in the other room, especially after the way DSS has behaved. That said, I’m trying to let it go for now because I don’t want to keep rehashing the same argument — it’s exhausting. I don’t really get anywhere with DH; he becomes angry straight away, and it’s impossible to have a calm, civil conversation.
A while ago, when I was upset again about DSS, I told DH that if things didn’t change, DSS would need to leave. DH shouted back that if DSS goes, he goes too. I told him to eff off if that’s how he really felt.
I’m honestly drained by it all.

Throw DSS out and if DH chooses to go to then so be it. What a pathetic excuse of a man.

@miserablestepmum so you have given up because you ‘ can’t have a civil conversation about it. He becomes angry straight away ‘. You know what he’s doing here don’t you? Shutting you down right away. Every time. They live in YOUR house. The ss is exceptionally rude and unpleasant but you can’t say anything. There will be a next time and when it comes I’d offer to help your dh pack. Might be worth your while to speak to a solicitor about your situation…forewarned and all that. Knowledge is power - and I think you need some. You’re being exploited here.

@miserablestepmum do you really want another year of this? Four years - you know your h and ss won’t change, it’s up to you.

A really sympathise with a lot of this. The only thing DH and I argue about is SS

How did Christmas go? I honestly think that you should ask your DH and his son to leave. Whatever happens, a line was crossed and after this length of time, there is no turning back. Your DH believes that because he (finally) put his foot down, that you have nothing to complain about. But you still have to have a rude, unapologetic man in the house that YOU paid more for. Neither of them have any respect for you, and I am sure that you believe your life would be better without either of them in it. Your DH only got off his arse when he realised you were being serious and getting your son's involved.

@miserablestepmumhow did it all go? Was thinking about this thread.

I'm not going to ask my DH to leave, he's been 100% supportive over this since I raised it and is constantly on at his DS to keep up with what we've asked of him.

Thanks for checking in.

As far as the house is concerned, he's pretty much towing the line, tidying up after himself etc.

I spoke to my DH before Christmas and explained that I wouldn’t be doing presents for his DS. We were barely speaking at the time, and I felt that until I received an apology, I wasn’t comfortable doing anything for him. My DH was supportive and gave him money instead of the usual bag of gifts that I used to sort.

We had Boxing Day get-together with our boys this year, as mine were with their dad on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day itself, I spoke to my DSS and said I wanted to clear the air, as we couldn’t keep living in the same house barely speaking. He agreed, and he did apologise for the way he spoke to me. He said he didn’t mean what he’d said and that he knows I do a lot for him and appreciates it.

I didn’t apologise, as I genuinely don’t feel I had anything to apologise for, but I did tell him how hurt and upset I’d been, especially given everything I do for him and he got that.

So it's a bit easier in the house but things will ever quite be the same, like I won't be making the same effort on birthdays and Christmases again but it is easier being under the same roof.

My DH and I have regular chats and he is on at him if he steps out of line and is pushing him to sort his job out, though I'm not as bothered about that because he pays board

This is a positive update - thanks for sharing @miserablestepmum

Glad to hear he’s behaving like a human being around the house and also that he apologised, even if you had to wave an olive branch first.

Really good decision about Christmas gifts. Things like this, small boundaries, can make a big difference in protecting your own emotions.

Just read your thread @miserablestepmum and found it really helpful. I am struggling with a teenage SS who lies and has been mollycoddled his whole life, and my DH just flares up if I am anything other than sweetness and light.

It is the only thing we argue about. It’s so hard. But your thread has made me feel less alone, so thank you.

@No5ChalksRoad Too many parents worry about their children liking them, gentle parenting. Almost all of MN will chorus fear is a bad way to teach children and humans but it makes them behave doesn’t it. We have gone from really overbearing authoritarian parenting to gentle parenting weakness whereas somewhere in between would be the way forward.

It’s also too easy to have a social life without interacting face to face.

@Shutuptrevor I feel sad reading your post because it's exactly where I've been for the last four years, every time I mentioned his DS my DH would fly off the handle, OMG this agaaaainnnnn, I got nowhere and like you, the only thing we argued about. After this incident I was absolutely done, I was willing to let him walk away if that's what it took for me to not have to put up with this any longer.

I would suggest doing what I did, which worked, write him a note, sit down and say I need to speak to you about a few things in the house, and put all your pointers on there.

Do you feel he would support you this way maybe?

You don’t have to end your marriage. Just maybe consider living elsewhere until he moves out. Husband can come over and stay at yours, surely since it’s his son causing this he could help financially also ? Just a thought.

Alternatively keep switching the house WiFi off until he starts behaving appropriately and respectively 🤷‍♀️

Just realised you own more of the house! Definitely do not leave that’s for them, pleased to read there has been an improvement OP. As soon as he gets a girlfriend help them move in together 👌

Oh I will be doing 🤣

I am always astounded by the number of parents who support adult kids to work part time. Madness! How can they learn the realities of life and supporting themselves. My parents always made it clear it was full time education, full time work or out . It was the norm until recently. I did the same with mine and they would have to do any job , whilst searching for the dream job. Wonder how much time and money is wasted by those types who game their lives away.

My friend is a top recruitment person for years.
Her son's had part time jobs during university as she knew it is a huge marker in recruitment.

Jobs during university degreses are markers for focus, time management, responsibilities, juggling, and a toe into the real world.

My son had a super busy part time job during university that both wrecked, challenged, infuriated, stressed, and gave him the greatest experience of his life.

Every graduate interview asked him about it.
He had 6 interviews and he was offered each position.
I listened to two of them and both big 4 companies quizzed him about the challenges of his part time job, not his top degree.
As a parent I see the part time job was the making of him, not the 4 year top degree in a top university.
I can see what actually changed him.